no method, but... (TW)

[mourningdove]

can't stop thinking about dying. I don't want to really, but I also don't see any other way out of this situation. Everywhere I turn is a Catch-22. I need X, but i can't get X because I don't have Y. I need Y, but I can't get Y because I don't have X... I end up with nothing, while everyone else goes about their day. I had something to contribute, but no one cared.

[woodsgnome]

These are only words, and only from someone who's traveled this way too. The words are: I care, you matter a lot. I'm sure others agree with that. Please accept us in our acknowledgement of your worth and beautiful presence here; it's deeply meant for you, right now and always.

Only words; but I hope you can feel them, in whatever way that can be...

[mourningdove]

Thank you so much, woodsgnome. 

I didn't even realize how badly I was feeling until I was at the therapist's earlier and heard myself saying it. Ever since then, I have felt this bodily urge to end the despair. Thank you for your very kind words. They do help.

[Blueberry]

Standing beside you, mourningdove, if it's appropriate for you at this moment. 

[mourningdove]

Thank you, Blueberry. 

[radical]

I truly value you, and what you contribute here.

I understand the effect of no-win situations and feeling powerless.  Seeing other people having the means to be able to participate, and being valued can be so painful when we feel that we can't find a 'way in'.

One thing I know, is that in the face of all of this we have to fight to believe in our own worth, to believe in ourselves.  It feels like the hardest things to do.  I need to believe that choosing to come back again and again to believe in our intrinsic value, when it feels like no-one else really believes in us,  will make that faith more meaningful and solid in the long run. 

It is relatively easy to believe in yourself when others all around you are telling you, in a thousand different ways, that you are valued and that you matter.  It is  a huge challenge to be defiant in a sense, in valuing and reassuring ourselves when it feels like the experiences that others often take for granted, and rely upon for their self-worth, are closed to us.  That humanity is closed to us.

I feel that any kind of meaningful relationships depend on the health of our relationship with ourselves.  I hope that if I can build faith in myself just for myself - because I am.   If I can do that, I'm less vulnerable to giving myself away in return from crumbs from others, to betraying my values, to being carried away by flattery and deception and all the crazy nonsense in this broken world.   Most of all,  as a foundation to be able to build a place for myself in the world on solid ground.

I feel for you, Mourningdove.  I hope you can feel a bit of the solidarity I feel with you and with how you feel.

[mourningdove]

Thank you, radical. 

[Blueberry]

"It is relatively easy to believe in yourself when others all around you are telling you, in a thousand different ways, that you are valued and that you matter.  It is  a huge challenge to be defiant in a sense, in valuing and reassuring ourselves when it feels like the experiences that others often take for granted, and rely upon for their self-worth, are closed to us.  That humanity is closed to us."

Wise words, Radical. A heartfelt thank you from me too.

[Candid]

I feel for you, mourningdove. 

[mourningdove]

Thanks, Candid.