New Here

[T775530]

So, honestly. I just started seeing a psychiatrist. More of I did something stupid and now I am crying writing this. I don't know how this got so far. I didn't even know I was this broken til I literally broke completely. Yet, I am accepting responsibility and accountability for my actions for myself.

Now, I am looking forward but don't know where my first steps are at!?! I guess peace and forgiving is huge. To myself and those who really hurt me. But how when there are so many triggers I am finally aware of?Everything is. My psychiatrist looks like she wants to study me and I haven't  begun to really even tell her things. Can I? Everyday I cry. They put me on meds and staying home so I don't have so many triggers but hone itself is a trigger. There is no safe place in my skin. In my body, my home so basically no where feels safe for me right now. Im just trying to stay on these dam meds and stay busy. Knowing there is a tomorrow. When do these tomorrows get better is the question. Sorry. I know I am all over the place I just broke completely and dont know where to begin or how to stop all these thoughts now....

[sanmagic7]

i'm glad you're here, glad you posted, t77.  you just took a first step.  welcome.

i've been where you're at - suddenly, everything fell apart, and i realized i'd broken.  didn't know where to go from there, which way to turn, what was up or down.  it's happened several times in my life, and each one was the hardest thing i'd ever had to deal with. 

then i found this forum, and the wondrously caring, kind, supportive people here, and, step by little step, some forward, some back, but much more forward, i began feeling human again, began feeling a bit better and a bit better. 

you're not alone, we get it.  we are here together going after this beast, and we are accomplishing what would have been much more difficult if we'd been alone.  i hope you can keep on your meds - they may take a little time to kick in - and that you can take care of yourself as best you can.  as one of our members is fond of saying (and it's so true!) breathe.  then, breathe again. 

one of my mantras has been 'give me the strength to make it through this day'.  it's been helpful to me when i've had my worst days.  i hope you keep posting.  we're here for you.

[radical]

Welcome T775530,

I know what you mean, and you've described it well when you say: There is no safe place in my skin. In my body, my home so basically no where feels safe for me right now
I really feel for you.  Been there.  I hope you can hold onto knowing there is a place beyond that.

Please don't feel you ever have to apologise for saying how it is for you on OOTS.  We are glad to have you here, talking about it.  I hope you are able to feel some relief in crying.

You are not alone

[Three Roses]

You are welcome here!

I can totally relate to feeling broken, feeling like i don't make sense, feeling nowhere is safe.

I don't want to overwhelm you, but I want to share something with you. It's kind of long, so maybe just read them one at a time. I hope one, some, or all of these help you in some way. Love & peace to you

1. Say to yourself: "I am having a flashback." Flashbacks take us into a timeless part of the psyche that feels as helpless, hopeless and surrounded by danger as we were in childhood. The feelings and sensations you are experiencing are past memories that cannot hurt you now.
2. Remind yourself: "I feel afraid but I am not in danger! I am safe now, here in the present." Remember you are now in the safety of the
present, far from the danger of the past.
3. Own your right/need to have boundaries. Remind yourself that you do not have to allow anyone to mistreat you; you are free to leave
dangerous situations and protest unfair behavior.
4. Speak reassuringly to your Inner Child. The child needs to know that you love her unconditionally– that she can come to you for comfort and protection when she feels lost and scared.
5. Deconstruct eternity thinking. In childhood, fear and abandonment felt endless—a safer future was unimaginable. Remember the flashback will pass as it has many times before.
6. Remind yourself that you are in an adult body with allies, skills and resources to protect you that you never had as a child. (Feeling small and little is a sure sign of a flashback.)
7. Ease back into your body. Fear launches us into "heady" worrying, or numbing and spacing out. Gently ask your body to relax. Feel each of your major muscle groups and softly encourage them to relax. (Tightened musculature sends unnecessary danger signals to the brain.) Breathe deeply and slowly. (Holding the breath also signals danger.) Slow down. Rushing presses the psyche's panic button.
Find a safe place to unwind and soothe yourself: wrap yourself in a blanket, hold a stuffed animal, lie down in a closet or a bath, take a
nap. Feel the fear in your body without reacting to it. Fear is just an energy in your body that cannot hurt you if you do not run from it or
react self-destructively to it.
8. Resist the Inner Critic's catastrophizing. (a) Use thought-stopping to halt its exaggeration of danger and need to control the uncontrollable. Refuse to shame, hate or abandon yourself. Channel the anger of self-attack into saying no to unfair self-criticism. (b) Use thought-substitution to replace negative thinking with a memorized list of your qualities and accomplishments.
9. Allow yourself to grieve. Flashbacks are opportunities to release old, unexpressed feelings of fear, hurt, and abandonment, and to validate—and then soothe—the child's past experience of helplessness and hopelessness. Healthy grieving can turn our tears into self-compassion and our anger into self-protection.
10. Cultivate safe relationships and seek support. Take time alone when you need it, but don't let shame isolate you. Feeling shame doesn't mean you are shameful. Educate those close to you about flashbacks and ask them to help you talk and feel your way through them.
11. Learn to identify the types of triggers that lead to flashbacks. Avoid unsafe people, places, activities and triggering mental processes.
Practice preventive maintenance with these steps when triggering situations are unavoidable.
12. Figure out what you are flashing back to. Flashbacks are opportunities to discover, validate and heal our wounds from past abuse and abandonment. They also point to our still-unmet developmental needs and can provide motivation to get them met.
13. Be patient with a slow recovery process. It takes time in the present to become un-adrenalized, and considerable time in the future to gradually decrease the intensity, duration and frequency of flashbacks. Real recovery is a gradual process—often two steps forward, one step back. Don't beat yourself up for having a flashback.
Copyright © 2009 Psychotherapy.net. All rights reserved. Published September, 2009.

[Kizzie]

Hi T775530 - Just wanted to say I'm also glad you found your way here.  Welcome and I hope you see soon that you are not broken, but are suffering from a disorder that cause common albeit awful symptoms that are treatable.  You have a psychiatrist to help guide you and we are here too so keep posting, it can help 

[Candid]

I am looking forward but don't know where my first steps are at!?! I guess peace and forgiving is huge. To myself and those who really hurt me.

Forgiveness for those who hurt you is too much right now. I say the first steps are reading and posting here, working with your psychiatrist, and acceptance of what's happened to make you who you are. The forgiveness comes later... and those who damaged you might have to wait a very long time. 

There is no safe place in my skin. In my body, my home so basically no where feels safe for me right now.

I understand this. It will come as your Authentic Self emerges.

Im just trying to stay on these dam meds and stay busy. Knowing there is a tomorrow.

You've struck the ideal recipe. Well done!

When do these tomorrows get better is the question.

They get better, then they get worse again, then they get better... a bit like climbing out of a pit with slippery sides. You have to believe in Better, grab all the handholds there are, then one day you look back and realise how far you've come from such a horrific beginning.