I still feel like I'm the problem.

[Jupiter]

I have cptsd from loads of childhood trauma. I recently moved out of my npd parents place to start a life of my own. I tried all the communication techniques my therapist suggested with my parent to try and work with them but the constant lies about the past and blatant denial of what they did and enabled to happen to me would not stop. So I left and am trying to trickle down my exposure to them until I have no contact. I still feel like I'm the one being a jerk for wanting no contact with my dysfunctional family.

It's also still very hard to find the time to sit with my negative feelings about the past and process them. Cbt really has helped a lot and it's going to be a long road to get where I would like to be, hopefully not so triggered and hyper vigalant.

[Hope66]

Hi Jupiter,
I just wanted to welcome you to the forum, and I'm glad you found your way here - it's such a supportive place, and I hope you'll find it the same. 

You've made a big change in your life, and that's significant.  I would like to wish you well and hope to see you in the forum - there is so much information here - and people are very understanding and welcoming.
Hope 

[Candid]

I still feel like I'm the one being a jerk for wanting no contact with my dysfunctional family.

These are very early days, Jupiter, since actually leaving your parents was recent and you still have limited contact with them. I last saw both my parents 25 years ago and only recently have I stopped ruminating on the past, and searching for ways in which I must have been at fault. Both my siblings went NC with me four years ago and that set me back again. Only in the past couple of weeks have I seen things for what they are and realised that I have no desire to be in the same space as any of them again.

I know leaving your parents is tough and goes against all innate instincts, but as long as you're trying to dialogue with them you're going to be further invalidated and confused. The events contributing to your CPTSD are things they "don't remember" or "you imagined", and "why can't you just forgive and forget, and move forward as a united happy family?" The trouble is, invalidation of your memories is further abuse and prevents you getting on with the business of healing.

It's also still very hard to find the time to sit with my negative feelings about the past and process them.

I congratulate you for even trying this. Does it mean that when bad memories surface you focus on them and find some way of being at peace with them before letting them go?

[Kizzie]

I don't know if your parents have a personality disorder or not, but if nothing worked with them I would not be surprised.  If so, at some point it becomes clear that they cannot/will not change and for our health and well-being it is best for us to let go of the hope that they will become who we need and deserve them to be and move on. It sounds like you may be at that point.

It does come with a ton of guilt at first though I know.  It goes against everything we're taught in society to think about family. I went NC and LC three years ago and it was really hard at first, but now I think of it as the best gift I could have ever given myself.

Hope this helps  

[Jupiter]

Thank you guys for being supportive. When I say sit with my negative emotions I mean for like maybe 10 to 15 minutes I hold my negative thoughts (written on a piece of paper) in front of me and try to unconditionally love the person that is feeling them i.e. myself and tell myself it's ok to cry and those feelings are ok and just, well self love I guess.

[Jupiter]

Honestly I don't know if my paren't has npd either but I don't know what else to use in terms of words to describe how they alienated me from my entire family including my brothers and sister and they became their monkeys. My family refuses to talk to me about past stuff and hear my side of things because you know my parent couldn't possibly be a liar or anything it's all my fault for like everything.

[Candid]

Honestly I don't know if my paren't has npd either but I don't know what else to use in terms of words to describe how they alienated me from my entire family including my brothers and sister and they became their monkeys.

I could say all this about my mother, who was (and probably still is) utterly charming to everyone but me. I adored her when I was a child, just wished she would love me. Yes, it leaves you with the feeling that you must be seriously faulty. I carried that feeling far too long.

My family refuses to talk to me about past stuff and hear my side of things because you know my parent couldn't possibly be a liar or anything it's all my fault for like everything.

I tried and tried and tried to get them to listen to me, often through long letters. Mother was a covert abuser, so no one could see it but me. In later years my sister told me she realised I was the scapegoat, but it apparently never occurred to her to stand up for me. Yes, my mother was a liar. I heard things from the extended family that made me boil up inside, they were so blatant and designed to make me seem petty.

My advice is not to try to talk to your family about your side of things. You'll only hurt yourself more, as I did. Abusers will never admit their own cruelty. You're much better off putting that energy into your present and future while working on your recovery.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Learning self compassion, being kind to ourselves and loving that small boy or girl inside is our best light

[Wanttothrive]

Welcome Jupiter.
I'm new here and new to understanding abuse....after decades. Looking forward to learning more from everyone, and bringing to light things that have been in darkness for too long. Jupiter, I am happy to listen. I think you are brave.