Anxiety Brain & Possible New Job

[ToreyP]

Hi, all.  So I'm not sure what I'm posting this for here, but it's mostly to get it out of my head or I'm going to lose it.  I don't really have anyone to talk to, so...

As you may or may not know, I currently work at a large international home furnishings company with whom I've worked for 5 years now.  It's horrible for triggering me due to a number of factors (massive crowds of 1000+ visitors per day, noise, customers yelling in my face, backstabbing, gossiping, etc.).  I've been trying to get out of this place pretty much since I started and realised that it was affecting my mental health. 

Applying for new jobs is like pulling teeth for me.  Having to gather mental and cognitive faculties to sit down and write a brand new cover letter for each and every role I apply for completely drains me.  Yet, I manage to do it - and up until now, have been rejected for literally HUNDREDS of jobs.  Even the most simple roles, such as meter reader or trolley pusher, I have been rejected for.  This has done nothing for my self-confidence.

Then I got a bite at a local dairy that I really wanted to work for.  I ended up injuring my shoulder at my present job which pretty much killed my chances of getting that role.  I had surgery through WorkCover and am recovering.  Then, out of the blue, I get a call from the dairy again - they have a desk job that they'd like me to come in and do 3 days' trial shifts. 

Now I'm panicking.  Does anyone relate to these feelings?:

• New people - having to "fake" being "normal" and try to cope with my horrific memory (names, job titles, etc.)
• Cognitive/memory issues - blowing the opportunity if I happen to be having a bad week and can't remember tasks or directions
• Messing up this opportunity and never getting another because I'm that dysfunctional.

I hate applying for jobs and yet I must get out of this place I'm in.  Hate having to either be honest or lie when the form asks "do you have a medical condition that may affect your ability to perform the tasks associated with this role?".  I just feel like if I don't get this job, I'm going to break.   

[Blueberry]

I relate to points 2 and 3. Good luck to you. I really ought to go offline and do some stuff IRL but your post caught my eye.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi Torey p
Thank you for posting my issues this morning !
Quote
'Now I'm panicking.  Does anyone relate to these feelings?:

• Cognitive/memory issues - blowing the opportunity if I happen to be having a bad week and can't remember tasks or directions
• Messing up this opportunity and never getting another because I'm that dysfunctional.

'

Yes !! These are my issues too
Cognitive / memory issues are really a problem for me... I'm on anti dep too and this slows my brain processing abilities down - foggy.
I listened to a presentation the other week on trauma and the doctor showed scans of the non trauma brain and the trauma brain - it really shocked me .
The hypo campus gets affected and this is the area for memory and learning capacity. I watch my colleagues at work being able to retain huge amounts of information and I struggle - I make notes and do the best I can but I know I am slow..
I'm working to not compare my self to others, get support through supervision and look to get a sense of satisfaction out of what I do do well - this doesn't come easy ...
In my role there is a lot to remember and it is a struggle it seems for everyone and I need to remember that ... but I do know I have more difficulties than the average person ..
how do I live with this ?
How do I live with this disability ?

I too don't want to 'mess up this opportunity' I like this new job and find it very interesting ... I wish I was better but I need to accept where I am - I know self beating is not good for me and compassion is ...

[ToreyP]

Thank you all for the feedback!

I'm still struggling with this.  I did the three-day trial and made a few mistakes - so, of course, I'm wringing my hands thinking that the reason I've not heard back from them for a week now is because they've decided I'm rubbish and don't want me anymore. 

I guess I just have to keep telling myself I'll find something else some day. 

I've applied to study online at Uni so I cling to that like my life depends on it - and it kinda does.  You need a qualification in Australia to do just about everything (even a laundry attendant job required a Certificate III in Laundy Services!!!).

[Boatsetsailrose]

The other point I've learnt about is black and white and 'perfectionist thinking to try and overcome my feelings of inadequacy'
Pete walker talks about this in his book 'from surviving to thriving'. Maybe on his website too .. So basically the mind try's to overcome the 'inner critic'  with perfectionist thinking , which of course is not attainable ..
thus a 'normal person' gets things wrong all The time but they can let it go and it doesn't give them a sense of impending doom .. however for us it does and I can feel hopeless in quick speed.
My expectations are so great of myself that I set myself up to fail over and over ..
I can't see the untruth though to me it all feels very real ..
even when I get external evidence eg 'but your a really good nurse' my head says 'they are only saying that '

[Boatsetsailrose]

I was also just thinking about memory problems .. that have a dysregulated nervous system must play a part in it ..
I know when I'm under stress my memory is worse ..
I'm going to look into the relationship between physical exercise and memory too and maybe some brain training
At least then I will feel I am taking action around healing my capacity