Hey

[A_Girl_You_Dont_Know]

I'm not sure how much I'll post here because well people...it's not easy for me. However, I'm 27 and a single mother to the most incredible 4 year old. I work at a library (shelving books; no degree and high school drop out). I LOVE my job and my co workers are so supportive and deal with meltdowns which I just realized were being caused by emotional flashbacks (I can't believe these are a thing and that it's taken so many years for me to find a word to describe what the neck is happening; I feel so much less insane).

Finding the C-PTSD diagnosis was so random as I just got a kindle and was searching for free books on PTSD since I had another trigger at work two weeks ago and can't shake the symptoms this time. I randomly downloaded some free ones about it and reading it thought "omg there are actually words that finally describe perfectly what I've been experiencing?! Why has no one caught this?!"

Quick back story: emotional abuse from an explosive anger mother and I'm a very anxious person. Severe bullying. Sexual abuse outside home. Other traumatic stuff that makes me sound pathetic and I really hate talking about it. Self injured for 11 years starting when I was 13. Multiple suicide attempts and should be dead. I'm not but during an incredibly self destructive period when I was early 20's I got pregnant and didn't know father. No one wanted me to keep my daughter but I did and swore she'd have a better life and I got my act together. This year I hit my 3rd year recovery and am working on writing a book about my story but hit a rut. Some days I question what I'm doing and if I'll ever make a difference in this world.

I spent 10 years in therapy and have literally had every diagnosis from just depression to bpd, did, schizoaffective, and everything in between. I stopped because of inconsistent and poor treatment. I'm incredibly distrustful of mental health workers because of horrible experiences and ineffective treatment. I'm so relieved to find this diagnosis because it has given me words to describe what's going on. I hate feeling like a child and can't say how glad I am I'm apparently not the only one.

So yeah. Some days are good and I really do love life, but I get triggered and it messes my head. I get nightmares and my thoughts get so mixed up. I get so anxious and feel like I'm going insane. This last trigger was so bad that I have a call out to a therapist to see about getting in to see her who is specialized in trauma and then I found these books.

I am very active in church and sometimes feel like a piss poor Christian and that I just need stronger faith, but I do have a great pastor who I've been able to confide in multiple times and these thoughts come solely from me. I also, like I said, have wonderful, supportive co workers, many who are also in therapy. It was hard to make that phone call. I don't trust people and it took over two years for me to trust my current support system. It terrifies me to think about going back into therapy, but I need help.

I love to play guitar and write and have a blog called Beloved Unlovables because I want to share my story and inspire others to share theirs and to spread the message all people are beloved and deserve to be loved as they are right now. Sometimes I'm better at preaching my message than listening though. Still, I want to make a difference in this world and encourage and inspire others, but I'm a little stuck right now. Thanks for listening.

~L

[Three Roses]

Welcome, BU! Glad to have you aboard!

sometimes feel like a piss poor Christian and that I just need stronger faith

In spite of what we've been told, trying harder isn't always helpful. Thinking differently isn't always helpful. Having more faith, being grateful, blah blah



Physical changes in the brain can be observed in people with ptsd and cptsd. It is all in our heads! Only not the way some mean it. 

If you are trying to find a therapist or health care team, check this section out:
http://www.outofthestorm.website/downloads/

And when you have more than a few minutes, check out Pete Walker's website:
http://pete-walker.com

But be warned, he has so much info, it can be overwhelming. His book "CPTSD: From Surviving To Thriving" is practically a bible for many of us here.

I'm sure glad you're still around, and I mean that. Thanks for joining!

[Blueberry]

Welcome here 

Other traumatic stuff that makes me sound pathetic and I really hate talking about it.

You don't have to talk about anything on here that you don't want to. You don't have to prove anything to us, we welcome you as you are and believe you that you are traumatised. However we C_PTSDers tend to downplay what was done to us. So if you ever write about the other traumatic stuff, you will not read a bunch of posts from the rest of us saying invalidating stuff like our families of origin tended to say. They tend(ed) to give us ideas like we're pathetic or weak or too sensitive  You're obviously not weak! You've survived and overcome so much!

I've learned so much since I joined here. I hope you start to come unstuck here too.

[A_Girl_You_Dont_Know]

Thanks guys. and the book mentioned is actually what I'm currently reading and has been terrifying me how spot on it is to the point I've been feeling physically I'll but at least now I have words to start a dialog when I find a therapist. I've spent years looking for these words.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome Beloved    Along with saying helloI wanted to let you know there are searchable databases to help you find a trauma T here - http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=881.0.  There are also some forms and info sheets here that you may find useful - http://www.outofthestorm.website/downloads/

It can really helps to finally know what you are dealing with.  Good luck finding a T. 

[A_Girl_You_Dont_Know]

Thanks for the info. It helps I live in a big city so it's just a matter of finding someone. I think I've found a place, I just missed the return call so will probably try again to call tomorrow. They are a wholistic, trauma specialized group that does yoga, emdr, cbt, and other trauma specialized techniques. I feel very fortunate for where I live. If only it made the social/trust-building part easier!

[Kizzie]

That's terrific Beloved