Taking Ownership of Recovery

[Atticus Finch]

Please can some of you share stories of taking ownership of your recovery? Can a caring outsider help turn up the pressure to do so or is that counterproductive?
I have been fighting for 5 years to help my child recover from PTSD following horrific abuse suffered away from home. Even their renowned therapist is stepping back a little to find their strategy forward. Child S is much closer to adulthood and while we are still exploring medication and therapy aids to reduce anxiety, it feels more and more clear that they are comfortable in the stuckiness and afraid of life beyond. We try to instil in S the plan of 1) look after your body anxiety first 2) talk yourself into the present 3) find something to do that lives in the present. But something I feel is missing from this. My wife was broken down in grief and despair last night over the seeming helplessness of getting through. I am forcing myself to keep hope and faith.

I found the thread on recovery motivation helpful (21317). while it did not directly address this it gave me confidence in the wisdom of this group.

Many thanks,
Atticus

[radical]

Hi Atticus Finch and welcome,
It sounds like you could use some support and some healing yourself.  It must be so hard to try and support your child in this situation.

It sounds as if you are saying your child is passive and possibly resistant to the steps those around him or her wish them to take  (sorry, not sure whether to use a gender pronoun or not.)

Are they severely depressed, angry, frozen in fear? It's not clear.  Also, I don't know how old they are. You say close to adulthood, and I know the years approaching adulthood can be hard for anyone.  Without more information, it is hard to know what the blocks might be.  You say they are comfortable in their stuckness.  Is this because others are doing too much, or because they seem to be enjoying some kind of escapism or is it more about lack of confidence and intense fear, all of the above? other things?

I'm responding to this in part because, from my own experience I found the plan you have described alarmingly similar to the kind of "plan" that I found extremely disempowering and counter-productive to 'taking charge'.  These are all passive, nebulous and esoteric, from my point of view.  I was suffering from the effects of having lost my sense of self, of being almost without boundaries, devoid of the most basic confidence, highly dissociated, and profoundly depressed, and I found that these kinds of 'mindfulness' practises in the absence of any concrete measures to address my problems, exacerbated them, made me more passive, boundariless and powerless. 

They can be useful parts of a programme, but with someone who has been de-selfed by abuse, they should never be the whole programme, in my experience.

Does your child know what they want to do?  Even little things.  At this age it seems that being part of a wider group, feeling a sense of belonging and building a sense of identity are usually uppermost.  I can understand if these are mountains right now, but I do feel that some kind of steps towards being integrated with a wider community, whether it be beginning to find what they are interested in, and any escapist tendencies might give clues, also what they don't want to identitfy with, simple likes and dislikes.

Are there easy grounding exercises your child could work towards participating in as part of a group, - a martial arts, tai chi, yoga, drama, tramping,etc. Would they like to learn to drive? Are they interested in computers, wildlife, music, bands, televison?  It sounds as though they are paralysed and stuck at home and I know how that feels - trapped. Taking some small steps towards concrete  goals might help.  Could you insist that your child takes some steps beyond  the house, if they have become house-bound, even a walk to a lamp-post and back is positive, if that is all they can manage at first, without being overwhelmed.

It's really hard to know wihout more information, but I would like to warn, entirely from my own experience, and in the absence of information that could make this redundant, that letting go of/disidentifying the ego, letting go of concepts, expectations, plans etc. and engaging in 'being in the moment' in the absence of a strong sense of self can be damaging and lead to increased isolation, vulnerability and passivity. 

I apologise in advance if I have misunderstood what "the plan" entails.

[Three Roses]

Hi Atticus, nice to hear from you. ♡

Perhaps S is resistant to being helped, which is much different than taking ownership in your own healing.

Is the plan something they themselves came up with? Or is it a plan formulated (with the best intentions, no doubt) by the adults around them?

You can not scale a wall for your child. If there is a wall, he or she must find their own footholds up and over.

When my sons were younger, if they had a problem with each other, we would sit at the table and brainstorm.

First, we would identify the problem. Then, I would write down every suggestion, without commenting on it or judging it, on a piece of paper. This engaged them in solving their own problems, and the outcome was much different than me just telling them what to do. When we had all given every suggestion we could think of, we would begin eliminating the ones that would not work. Often we were left with only 2 or 3 suggestions that would work for everyone. (I got this idea from a great book.)

If S is in search of autonomy, your plans may need to be replaced with a plan of S's making. It is very painful watching our children learn their way around this world - when they are learning to ride a bike, they will fall and sometimes may even hurt themselves. It is the parents' role to be there to minimize risk, help them up, dust them off (bandaids if necessary!  ), and get them ready for the next try. You are their cheer leaders.

Wishing everyone all the best! 

[Atticus Finch]

Radical and Three Roses, I am so grateful for your considered replies. S is male, 16 with some language processing difficulty though sharp within, so has learnt to be a bit passive. -Letting others speak for him when stuck. (We are working on this too ).

He is constantly reliving life threatening fear (with body memory) and has mild depression. The fear frequently freezes him but he sometimes plays it up a bit for mom and dad (normal kid behavior if it was not at such exaggerated levels). There is a cycle to this we are trying to break, though the ptsd is very real.

"You say they are comfortable in their stuckness.  Is this because others are doing too much, or because they seem to be enjoying some kind of escapism or is it more about lack of confidence and intense fear, all of the above?"
-> it is all of the above

Both of you advocate his coming up with a plan any plan at first and taking first steps of independence. Joining a group, though, this is very hard right now because of such a loss of voice. Almost literally as part of the body memory when having flashbacks.

I need to read this all more carefully, but it is very helpful. One question though is what made it happen for you? Did someone have influence, were you just fed up, was it part of therapy , etc?

Thanks again

[Three Roses]

The thing that led me to reaching out for therapy was, quite honestly, a friend. She gently encouraged me that I could go to therapy, even "at my age"; that it was not necessary to suffer; that the symptoms I had were very real; and that there was healing to be had. If not for her gentle pressure I would not have sought therapy again.

This forum has also made me feel better, knowing I'm not alone and there is a reason for the things I do, and even names for my symptoms!