So What is CPTSD?

[Kizzie]

Definitely KAF.  I only read a chapter at a time, put it down and let it sink in before I started reading again.  There's a lot to take in and when you're relating to most of it it can be quite tiring.

[PureJoy]

KAF - Yes!  This happens to me even when reading posts on this forum.  I can only read a little at a time and then stop.  Usually I play a game or two online and then come back to the forum or info on CPTSD.   Wow, I thought it was only me that felt this way. 

[Kizzie]

It's "ground zero" for most of us and what we struggled with for many years so slow and easy really is the way to go. 

Walker talks quite a bit about this in his book and at his web site. We are going into those places we couldn't or wouldn't go before and to do that we need to learn self-care and self-protection skills that we did not develop in childhood. These help us look at and recover from the childhood trauma, but like anything they takes time and practice. 

You are free now as an adult to develop peace of mind and a supportive relationship with yourself. A self-championing stance can transform your existence from struggling survival to a fulfilling sense of thriving. You can begin right now by inviting your instincts of self-compassion and self-protection to awaken and bloom in your life (p. 27 of his book)

[Badmemories]

Yes, it does. Last night I was reading on OOTF and really just had to quit... I could not process anymore. I went to bed nd like my nature fell fast a sleep. It is like peeling an Onion. I can only handle peeling of the layers at a speed that I can handle. I mean really living with UnpdH  for 17 years and neglect and abuse as a kid, I have a lot of things to sort through. 60 years worth to be exact. For me the goal is to keep on keeping on.

For the first time in MY life I am working on me! Since I am also codependent,That is a BIG step for me. I have always put myself last! It seems MY brain seems to know HOW much I can take of gong into my past and forgiving MYSELF for all of the mistakes and problems I have. Some things I have to read and study over and over before I really get it. I mean I am an intelligent person... but my brain does NOT let me process things TOO FAST. Sometimes I can read something, and I just don't get it.  Then later on I can read it and I understand MORE of what I am reading. Every time I read the same thing over and over I get more of what I am trying to learn.

[woodsgnome]

I'm still new at negotiating all the topics here, so hope this is the right place to critique some of the terminology, in particular the use of the tag "disorder" to describe our condition.

This actually kept me from realizing some of my problem over the years--either from denial or retreat or just plain fear of what else lay lurking in the fog/storm (those terms I can relate to for sure!).

Chronic? Yup. Traumatic? For sure. Stress? Spot on. But Disorder is, well, harder to swallow, in my experience.

I don't know, I just felt so out of whack to be described as having a "disorder". It sounds somewhat demeaning, or sinister, and almost places the blame back in one's own lap--"if only you weren't...fill in the blank". And try explaining what's going on to someone else and use the word "disorder"--on come the "poor you" stares or the knowing looks of "oh, we understand" (you poor diseased schmuck).

Personally, I've come to disregard the "D"; it's bad enough without a word that defines you as something or somebody less than worthy because of the dis- word.

I know, mental health clinicians need a label, and it works for them. Meanwhile, I think part of our work here is to work with the labels and this may just affect me--I want words to mean what they mean (so many people in my early years, and unfortunately later, never said what they really meant and/or used them to manipulate, etc. I'm sure many of you can relate--hypocrisy is an apt description, I think.

So while I accept the term in its clinical use, it would be so cool if it didn't sound so demeaning. But then what do I know? I'm a disordered person, by definition.

[Kubali]

I agree Wg.

I'm a huge fan of accuracy. Words have to be an exact mirror of the Truth.

We are not Disordered. We are wounded or injured.

We didn't start life like this. It happened to us. The terminology should reflect this truth.

[Kizzie]

I don't like disorder designation either WG and Kubali. I like to think of CPTSD as an injury although there's enough going on in CPTSD that I don't know if "injury" quite does it justice. Complex Post Traumatic Stress Injury - not bad though and it does give the sense that it can be treated (versus something like a personality disorder which tend to be treatment resistant).

I do know that many  clinicians are referring to it simply as "Complex Trauma" now which I'm not sure about either.  I guess it's like similar to saying "I have diabetes: but it sounds like there's a word missing at the end - I have complex trauma .....  what?  Injury, disorder, syndrome ......?  I suffer from complex trauma is OK, but still not quite right to my ears anyway.

I like Complex Post Traumatic Stress Injury.   

[Multicolour]

I think CPTSD is an ok description except for this idea of 'affect regulation' issues. It's nonsense. Survivors have been subjected to extraordinarily painful experiences, causing distressing emotions that no-one could regulate. It happened to us as children, meaning that there is no way we could possibly have developed any way to cope with them. Adults with good childhoods and excellent 'affect regulation' skills are horribly affected if they are raped. They can't control the intense feelings that the trauma causes. They then suffer from 'affect regulation' and self-hating feelings too.

It has always felt like a terrible judgement to me to say that survivors lack the ability to regulate emotions. No. Just like any human, the feelings from rape or other child abuse are so strong and painful that like any human we couldn't 'regulate' them and we can't now, same as if we were assaulted now as adults we wouldn't be able to.

[Kizzie]

Hi Multicolour - When I read your post I thought of a web site Dutch Uncle posted -  http://interactive.aljazeera.com/aje/2015/mentalhealth/index.html  here in this thread - http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=2937.0     

There is one line on the site that resonated deeply with me and is along the lines of what you are talking about:

"I am not ill. I'm normal compared to the life that I've lived"  One man explains why he rejects the labels of mental illness.

I love that.  We didn't react abnormally, it was absolutely normal for what we went through I agree with him and with you. I do think though with CPTSD we get a bit stuck reacting as though there is ever present danger, which is not to say we lack the ability to regulate our emotions.  We just need to retune them to our new normal.

[Multicolour]

Hi Kizzie,
Thanks so much for that, I relate to it very much and the writer expresses himself beautifully.

Yes the hyper-vigilance is awful. It's my understanding that it's evolutionary- because of the abuse our brains are now trained to believe our habitat is a dangerous jungle- it's our brains just trying to protect us. I still have heaps of terror but I have found that doing regular relaxation exercises has helped me recognize what's happening quicker and I can try and tackle the terror more often these days. Which is very nice:)

Thanks again for the link. Every time someone affirms that my trauma responses are normal and I am okay I feel a little bit more in control and a little less powerless. I feel a little less worthless and a lot more valid. It's so important.

[arpy1]

Every time someone affirms that my trauma responses are normal and I am okay I feel a little bit more in control and a little less powerless. I feel a little less worthless and a lot more valid. It's so important.[/quote]

[Oakridge]

I read in another blog on this site recently a statement that stood out. The blogger counseled someone that CPTSD was not just the episode or terrible bout. It also included the fall out as the days pass and one has to overcome the embarrassment and self-loathing for not catching the trigger before the event. I guess that is where i am today 4 days after the incident due to trying to numb the attack with alcohol and then texting some folks about the pain i was in. Once again, I start over but must face the fall out and the painful embarrassment that is. Sadly, this always causes me to become more and more isolated in hopes of gaining some control again. The cycles of these attacks and fall out may be getting less frequent now that i have a clear diagnosis, but they are also getting much more painful due to the fall out.

[Kizzie]

I'm glad you posted Oakridge, this is a good thread to re-read.

FWIW, I have found that as I have plodded along on this road to recovery, I am getting better at catching triggers before they happen.  It does take practice like anything though so I wouldn't waste time beating yourself up.   

When I am triggered and have an EF (less and less nowadays), I try to focus less on being compassionate with myself, accepting that I am hurt, angry, shamed, whatever the case may be by whatever/ whomever triggered me, and then trying to calm and support myself. Again it takes practice    but over time it seems to have reduced the intensity and duration of the fallout.  So FWIW, maybe be patient with yourself until you can get the hang of supporting yourself   

[Oakridge]

Thanks Kizzie. Wise advice. Yes. this is a good thread. It's been discussing the setbacks as one starts making progress with their therapy and hit bumps in the road. I guess that what i mean about the setbacks now are less frequent but feel worse. Ironic.

[Kizzie]