Why Bother ?

[threatdetector]

Why bother with any of it ? I have been asking myself this question on an almost daily basis for the last year. Truly I have reached the point where suicide ideation is as regular a thought as the need to brew myself a cup of coffee or remember to fill the gas tank. These three ideas are probably joined by the same sense of mundanity which pushes me to consider suicide. As a matter of fact, I know that I'm not too far from it because I have already decided a while ago that I will end my life by 40 (45, at the very most). [I expect many reactions along the lines of "you'll get there and grow out of it". I do not care. Life has been getting consistently worse for 15 years. I have no intention of going on with a weakening body and lesser physical features.]

I am not even pushed by depression, hatred, sadness, or a desire for attention to do it. I don't see the point in any of it. Occasionally, I set foot upon isles of pleasure and before I realize it I'm sailing the waters of misery and boredom again. I have no friends, my love life is dry, has always been, I get used by people, bref, la routine . The 21st century bores me, nauseating LED lights flood malls and buildings, music and the arts are at their most boring, there's no interesting and daring writers anymore, politics are a bore (a sad one), screens are everywhere and that makes me want to vomit. So why do I even bother ? I am a coward and I wish I had the courage or the sense to end it. There is absolutely nothing to look forward to. Even drugs get boring at some point.

[NarcKiddo]

I am sorry you are feeling this way and that it is lasting so long. Do you have a therapist or other support you can access?

[NarcKiddo]

I'd like to point out that I'm not really going to do it imminently, this is just ideation.

Thank you for clarifying that.

I know from personal experience that ideation can make it easier to get through. I understand that you are not looking for support or for people caring - but I wish you well anyway.

[sanmagic7]

I understand that you are not looking for support or for people caring - but I wish you well anyway.

ditto

sending love and hugs, unless you don't want either.  then, just ignore, ok? 

[Marcine]

Hi threatdetector,
I read your post and I'm really not qualified to offer any advice. I too see the nihilistic absurdity of human life. And at the same time, here we are making the effort to type words back and forth in some hope of communicating.

[Blueberries Scone]

Hi treatdetector,

I'm really sorry for what you've been through.

I've recently had similar thoughts, and I still do, to be honest. I'm alone; no family, no partner, just therapists. Like you, I've been used by people, and now I'm left dealing with the consequences of their actions: trauma, scars, even legal issues and i have pay for things I never asked for.
Many times, I've thought about ending everything because... well, I've been alive for almost 35 years, but I've never really lived. I've just been surviving, and I don't know what for. I often wonder why I even exist. I've never known happiness, or what it truly means to be loved.

But as Marcine said, we're still here. Maybe we're trying to release some of our pain and misery through words? In a way, maybe we're also searching for a reason to keep going by sharing here? I don't know. but in any case i wish you well.

[Kizzie]

Hi ThreatDetector - I think what you wrote goes beyond ideation as you have a plan or rather a timeline for when you do choose suicide. So, maybe it's time to get some professional help? I was in a similar place some years back, was hospitalized and underwent electroconvulsive therapy which is known to help with treatment resistant depression something that many trauma survivors deal with.

It really helped and I have not had any recurring TR depression since then.

Sometimes when things are dark like they are for you right now, we don't realize our thinking has gotten so black and stagnant that we and can't see it's our thinking and not life itself that is dark and without meaning if you get what I'm saying.

Kizzie

[HannahOne]

ThreatDetector, you write so well, I loved your description of the ennui of life, even as I know how painful it is to live in that state and I was saddened to read of your pain. You really captured it as well as any existentialist writer I've read. Have you read any existentialism? Some of it's interesting. I like Victor Frankl and Kierkegaard. Have you read any of the Stoics? They also recognized the stupidity and banality of so much human effort, and developed a whole philooprshy of how to live a life in the face of these absurdities, disappointments, and futility, thousands of years before electric lights!

I don't know what it's about for you, I know for me SI is a form of escape. I found it comforting to think about exiting and to have a timeline, a limit to the amount of time I'd be suffering. Once I saw SI as a protective function trying to help me, I was able to defuse from it a bit and get more space from the thoughts, and then my thinking became more productive and I could start to see small things I could change to make this minute just a tiny bit better. I couldn't get myself the career or relationship I wanted overnight. But I could make this minute better. This made me feel more empowered.

I also wanted to mention that a sense of a foreshortened future is a symptom of trauma, I didn't think I'd live past 21, then 30, 40.... time has gone on and I'm over 50 and in much better place now. Still can't fathom I'll live to 60... this is common in trauma survivors, you're not alone.

I hope you can access treatment for the trauma. There is better help out there the last few years than in the past. You deserve support and help to make a life worth living for yourself, as individual as you are.