Rumination about interaction with coworkers

[mapleleaf]

Hi everyone, I put an intro posting in the welcome board, so please excuse any repetition and sorry for the length...  I am about 1 year out of a NPD/BPD situation during which I worked in the family business.  My single mother passed away when I was a kid and I was raised by my close family members far away from the rest of my extended family, who I did not get to know very well.  I have an ex-step aunt (not sure what to call her, her father was married to my grandmother at one point but they divorced and she is not related to my mother by blood).  I do recall that my mother did not like this particular aunt and no one in my close family spoke to her, but she reached out to me many, many times and was very pushy.  I always declined but she persisted and seemed nice.  I should have listened to my gut and remembered that my mother and family did not speak to her for a very good reason.  Hindsight...

I was working in education before this for about 5 years and got a little burnt out on teaching.  So, my BPD aunt suggested that I work for my NPD uncle (her husband) who is an attorney and I worked in his law firm.  Very quickly, it went down hill.  They spied on their workers, belittled them, controlled them, took credit for everyone else's hard work while just criticizing people all day, paid their workers late, and texted me constantly about work, even on my wedding day!  They are very covert abusers and he uses his business as a platform to stroke his ego and find new narc supply.  He is the most masterful gaslighter I have EVER known.  Once things went south, his wife stalked me for quite a while until I got cameras outside of my house.  She tried to involve my DH and my in-laws, but thankfully, no one took the bait.  I worked there for 2 years, which were 2 of the worst years of my life, before I finally got out.  I should also mention that their adult daughter is also no contact with them for the same reasons that I am.  Many other workers have crashed and burned while leaving their business, as well.

During those two years, I became severely depressed, suicidal and suffered from debilitating anxiety.  Just the sight of them or the mention of their names could cause my body to enter into flight mode, which was rough since I had to see them EVERYDAY.  I didn't sleep at night.  I sought therapy, medication and almost lost my FOC during that time because things were so rough.  I left the business and went completely no contact.  In fact, I cut off everyone who might give them information, including other family members.  It was the worst time in my life and I am just so thankful that I got out alive.  I went back into education where I belong (phew) and it was the most life changing thing for me, to work somewhere where I was treated like a human being who has worth and is trusted!  Wow.  I am so grateful. 

Fast forward to now.  I feel that I have always had some social anxiety, specifically worrying that I might have said something to someone that offended them.  But my PD experience brought in a severe inner critic, and dropped my self esteem to nothing.  I am still so amazed that these two people could do this to a person.  Funnily enough, my students are the easy part!  The rest has been hard.  I made it through my first year back in education pretty well, but it took a LOT of encouragement from myself to make it through socially with my coworkers.  I still have doubts about my standing in the workplace because I always worry that people are disappointed in me, dislike me, etc.  I would worry about saying the wrong thing, about offending someone and especially about saying or doing the wrong thing in front of my boss.  But the worst part for me is thinking back to prior interactions and obsessing over them, tearing them apart and trying to figure out if I did something wrong.

I am going to an out of town conference for 3 whole days with ALL of my coworkers, including my boss, in a few weeks.  And my anxiety is ramping back up because I haven't seen any of them for 3 weeks (summer break) and I am worried that once again, I will mess up.  There have been a few times where I think I have actually messed up but not badly.  Once, my boss did get very angry at a few of us and let us know.  I apologized very sincerely, but I still worry that she thinks negatively of me.  And so here I am, freaking out. 

HELP!  I have read so many self-help books by now, probably at least 50 (not kidding), worked through workbooks (CBT, DBT, etc.), went to therapy for 15 months and take medication for my anxiety, but I just can't stop the worrying and obsessing.  I exercise regularly, find distractions when I am anxious but I am beginning to worry that my anxiety will just get worse as I get older and that I won't be able to do anything to improve it.

Anyone been through this?  Any advice?  Commiseration?   

[Three Roses]

Wow, this could've been written by me!  I worked in a small family owned biz that wasn't as bad as what you're describing but I have issues from that too! You don't say what books you've read ... was one of them by Pete Walker? He's got a ton of info about shrinking that inner critic.

We are so much harder on ourselves than the people we usually interact with. I'm sure your boss has forgotten all about that one time.

Keep posting here, we care about you

[radical]

Hi Mapleleaf,

I was involved in a work situation*   in which I was viciously bullied by an NPD.  The bullying also overlapped other  situations in which we were both involved. My social anxiety disorder spiralled out of control and I developed severe depression.  My self-esteem bottomed-out too.  I was dangerously suicidal at one point.  I felt completely trapped.

The thing about SAD (appropriate acronym) is that overcoming it requires action.  You've probably read enough books now.  Pick one, if it helps, to use to guide daily action.  Journal plans for deliberately interacting with others as much as possible,  and write kind, supportive words to yourself, every single day.  When you feel like tearing apart what you've done, write to yourself as if you were a kind friend, soothing reassuring, loving words that are true.  It may not feel like they are, and I've found some resistance in myself to doing this, but it helps if it is repeated.

It's strange.  I'm dealing with the fallout of a smear campaign as a result of speaking out about what happened to me and somehow despite how awful it has been, the physiological symptoms of SAD - trembling, blushing, being unable to make eye contact at times, etc. - are hugely improved, and that makes a big difference.  So I'm left with the underlying problems of feeling inferior, unlovable, incompetent, different, weird, etc.

These are the things I needed to work on, and it was easy to be distracted by this situation, or that mistake, and how my anxiety was visible to others and what they might have thought etc.

I know my situation is different, but what I want to say most of all is that this can get better.  It will be easier over time if you work on it and make sure you are kind and loving to yourself. If you understand that others aren't judging you the way that you judge yourself - they don't have your faults under a microscope, you do.  Mostly other people are paying attention to their own stuff and you'd be surprised how oblivious others are much of the time.  If you are kinder and less judgmental towards yourself, people will be warmer towards you.

Building walls around yourself is a natural response to this kind of situation.  It's a phase.  But if you don't work hard at pulling them down and replace them with healthy boundaries, you will, ironically become more vulnerable to abusive people.  Good people respect boundaries.  The danger of building a self-protective wall is that you can find that the only people around you are the kinds of people you built a wall to protect yourself from.  A paradox, but I'm not the only person to have found this to be the case.

I need to take my own advice as far as going back out into the world is concerned.  The legal ramifications are almost sorted.  Now getting over the obsessing and back into the world is the biggest challenge for me.

I hope this doesn't sound harsh.  The most important part is finding kindness and compassion for yourself as you work towards recovering from this nightmare.  I do know how tough it is.

Warmest wishes. 

*a lot more complicated than that, but that's all I can say for privacy reasons

[Wife#2]

Mapleleaf - something tells me this is pretty common for c-PTSD folks. I'm like Three Roses, I could just about have written this myself. I've suffered at the hands of co-workers over and over again. Others made the work environment completely hostile with their words. So, I've long worried over what I say and did I reveal too much (typical of me) or could that have come out wrong (socially awkward) and offended them?

I'm learning to go back and ask, depending on the person. Close friends, nicer acquaintances and the bosses, I can ask, 'Did that come out wrong? I'm so sorry if I may have offended you!' What I'm learning is that my skin is thinner than most people's skin - the thing may have hurt my feelings, but they're FINE. They always appreciated that I cared enough about the work relationship or friendship to ask. ALWAYS. Even if I look a little foolish checking behind myself, I'd rather check than leave the unkind or foolish statement out there standing by itself, embarrassing me.

I also wanted to say that only unfair people hold grudges past an apology, especially a sincere one! If your boss assured you that all is/was forgiven, then assume that it's true. And, if you think your tongue got ahead of your brain again, it's ok to check on it. Ask! The worst is that people will think you've read some kind of 'How to Win Friends' kind of book as your reason for asking now when you didn't before. But, generally, people will tell you the truth. If it did cross a line, they'll be glad you asked and hope you're willing to hear the truth. If it didn't, they'll be glad to help you off that hook you put yourself on!

By the way, because I do this is one reason I have a reputation for being a stand-up person with a  good attitude at work. That reputation kept me employed through what should have been two different layoffs. I didn't do that for THAT reason. I did that because I'd been harassed at my last employer (by a boss no less) and did NOT want to risk losing THIS job over a foolish statement. The bosses here are really fair and I need that right now!