Loss opened up a tidal wave of repressed memories (My intro)

[lostsoul]

Hi All!  I am so happy to have found this forum. 

I am 47 years old, and 2 years ago I had memories of childhood sexual abuse resurface.  Memories from when I was very young (3 years old).  I shared all of them with my husband, read a little about adult survivors of sexual abuse, and went about living my life (was very high-functioning for awhile).  Thought I was "handling it" until my father (adoptive father) passed away a few months ago.  This brought about all sorts of emotional flashbacks:  verbal abuse, physical abuse, alcoholism (both parents), abandonment at birth by my biological father, watching my mother die 6 years ago, and me, as the oldest child, having to take on the parental role at a very young age.  I have been a mess since.  2017 has been a rough year, and I felt quite hopeless until about 3 weeks ago when my therapist said I was suffering from CPTSD, and shared Pete Walker's book with me.  A light went off, and every page of the book I was thinking...."That is me.  That explains so much."   47 years of self-hatred, negative self-talk, perfectionism, seeking approval from others, fear of failure, fear of loss, and so much more finally made sense. 

I know I have a long road ahead of me.  Clearly some days are better than others.  I look forward to using this board as a place to find resources and support.

[Blueberry]

WElcome! I've been on the forum here for about 2 months and find it very supportive as well as having a wealth of information and resources.

[woodsgnome]

Hi, LostSoul  ...

You wrote: "I have a long road ahead of me.  Clearly some days are better than others." That's true for me, and probably for many who participate here.

That long road may seem like it stretches on forever, but in a sense all that time boils down to this moment, and you've just started the new way for you. Some days will be relative, as you know; but you found the strength to post here already. It's lonely, as you say, but time and loneliness can be diminished and the next moment may bring some relief for you; just as you indicated you felt at having found this forum.

Hopefully it will, and being here things might shift and you'll find yourself, despite the rough patches, at least in a safer place than before.

Welcome 

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS lostsoul     So sorry for all that you have gone through and now to have arrived at a place where you know you have a disorder to deal with.  I found it scary and daunting to realize that, but also a relief that I was not crazy. 

Glad you found your way here and hopefully you will not feel quite as lost now.