Shut down and retreat...

[Haileyd123]

This may come off as a rant of sorts and for that I apologize, but I am just trying to make sense of my patterns/symptoms, etc.  I have not officially been diagnosed with C PTSD but it has come up in discussions with my psychologist as I show many of the signs.  One big thing I do is disassociate and shut down in relationships (romantic, family, friends)...sometimes it could be because of an event or argument but sometimes I just shut down and shy away from people close to me for no reason (that I can identify anyways).  This makes it very difficult to hold any sort of stable romantic relationship as people have a hard time understanding how I can be loving one day and totally blank, emotionless and un reachable the next.  My family recognizes and tries to understand my behaviors and has been trying to help me on the road to recovery (which I have a feeling will be a long one) but a lot of my romantic relationships fail after I push away or retreat in my shell one too many times....I have two children that are my world but I am not with either father and currently I have been starting to rekindle a past relationship but always have that fear that a day or week or month from now I will do what I do and this will be over too.....


Can anyone relate to this or have any advice on this?  I would appreciate any feedback at all.

[Dee]

I'm sorry I don't have much advise other than to tell you I understand.  My son is very intuitive and I will often go blank and he will say, "Mom, what are you thinking about, you had a funny look on your face."  Then I make up something, but he knows I am not there.  The thing is, he loves me anyway.  I would hope if I am ever in a relationship again my partner might be the same.

I don't think it will ever go away entirely.  However, I am learning to recognize triggers and what I start to feel like I am going.  This way I know to use my new found skills to ground.  For me I look at 5 things, touch 4, hear 3, smell 2, and taste 1 (5,4,3,2,1).  I also tell myself I am a safe, adult, woman and I am in control.  I know too my eyes feel weird, I feel a little weird, and things don't look right.  It can look like I am looking down a bowling lane or feel like I am sinking into the furniture.  I try to catch it when my eyes don't feel right though. 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi Hayley d
Yes I relate !
With me it's always to do with fear or resentment 'the person fails to live up to my expectations ( often unrealistic ) , they don't show me enough attention ( this is a big one for me), they hurt me big or small,
I don't get the intimacy I want ,

I'm learning that I need to speak up often to someone outside the relationship 1st to get an objective opinion and then if appropriate speak to the person
Black and white thinking is often a factor

Fear of intimacy can manifest in all sorts of ways I find

At the bottom of most of it is not feeling good enough I can easily point fingers when it's me that needs to do the work and not get rid of people as this doesn't provide any growth or healing for me

I've ditched a lot of friends over the yrs