Trying To Support My Fiance & Help Myself

[SaktiGirl]

Hi Everyone,

I hope you are all well. This is my first time posting to a board on here. so hello!

So here's my story. I've recently started up therapy (sometime in June 2014), and now 6 months later the layers of my life are beginning to unfold and I am having complete clarity on those around me. Just a little background, I do not have a PD, but I am surrounded by people with PDs. My mother is most likely histrionic (un-diagnosed), and my sister is BPD (diagnosed). My dad is a sweet guy, with confidence, and smarts, but he has been sandwiched between his dominant wife, and even more dominating BPD daughter for years. Then there's me. the black sheep, scapegoat, anxious one. This lead me into therapy. (I left home at 18, sister stayed up until 5 months ago. She is 30 yrs old, I am 33. Lots of them against me dynamic).

I've been in therapy before (2007-2009) and always knew that my panic attacks and anxiety stem from my upbringing. My therapist then was good but the one I have now is fantastic. I wish everyone could see her! She is really focused and grounding, and she has helped me pin point my powerlessness. Through the years, I've tended to choose boyfriends that either challenged me, or were seemingly comforting- well at least they are at first.

About my fiance, is a sweet, genuine, cool guy.  He is a musician, and has a great sense of humor. Since art basically saved my life (I never developed a drug habit, or lost my mind because I had art, music, and my incredible sense of extroverted-ness to keep me out of the toxic house i grew up in). So we've bonded immensely over art, music, and our incredibly similar sense of humor. We love each other a lot, and care about everything that one another does. We want to see the world together, grow old together, and have a happy life. We are both incredibly loyal, and trust each other. We have a large amount of respect for each other too and don't hurt each other or call each other names. We dont judge each other for being weird, and celebrate our weirdness together. We have a lot of fun and contentment in that regard!

BUT--  the fiance has a hard time remaining happy. Especially when major life changes come about.

Background on the fiance- when we met he painted this picture of his hippy parents still being friends, but divorced when he was a kid. They lived down the block from one another and still got along and did things together.

That was not the reality.

In summary his parents were in an on again off again dysfunctional, codependent abusive relationship that is absolutely disgusting when i think about it. His mom worked like a dog as a court reporter, and his dad was a landscaper who worked when he felt like he should. His dad died 3 years ago and left my fiance NOTHING. Just a few pictures, some pottery, and a handmade wooden table. The man had nothing.

Anyway, these parents did an excellent job of royally messing my fiance up.  Mom worked all the time and left fiance in the hands of babysitters who most likely weren't qualified or mature. Sexual abuse happened to fiance more than once and by multiple ppl. Fiance has even disclosed that he thinks his dad might have been a sexual abuser but he cant remember. I do know this... fiance has horrible night terrors. If i am not in bed with him he will eventually jump out of the bed mid sleep yelling. Sometimes he even yells for me. It makes me sad and I want to cry thinking about it.

There's been lots of abuse in addition to the sexual. Tons of emotional neglect from both parents, bullied incessantly at school (s) (he was usually ripped out of most schools that he want to due to his parents being indecisive on where to life-North Carolina, Colorado, Guam, to name a few- but eventually he got home-schooled and they stayed in NC. All the while the father lived with them on again off again.) Additionally, there was NO sibling to ever get support from. Just him. My fiance is an only child.

on top of the the moving, the bullying, and never getting the proper guidance he needed from parents his dad was a insane bully. He fits the description of someone bi-polar or BPD. All charismatic and charming one minute, and then completely furious and filled with rage the next. the man had no regulation. On top of that he was verbally abusive and would hold fiance hostage with his diatribes and conspiracy theories about the govt. The cops got called whenever his dad came around bc he eventually scared the crap out of fiance and his mom.

His dad also had a gun collection. During a period of time when fiance went to go visit his dad at his temporary apt, dad was paranoid and  wasnt expecting a knock at the door. Instead of opening to door to his son, he put his rifle out into the crack of his door to ward off the visitor. When i heard this story rage builds inside of me. HOW COULD PEOPLE LIKE THIS BE ALLOWED TO HAVE A CHILD?!?!

Now that I've been in therapy for awhile its come to my attention and my therapists attention that fiance probably has post traumatic stress. He is warm and loving in ways, but when triggered by stress or challenges he displays all of the symptoms of someone with C-PTSD. It makes complete sense given his background. Since we've gotten engaged, the looming wedding has been a source of worry for him (he obsesses over finances which I think is some form of security to him, probably the only form) and then he got laid off from his job (June 2014). He started a new one in October (great salary, bonuses, awesome co-workers), but the stress seems to really getting to him. He constantly worries that he is making enough sales, always agonizing about how the staff (of mainly men) sees him, feels slighted easily by the smallest exclusions at work (meanwhile they invite him out to lunch and drinks constantly and he goes most of the time, but one small exclusion and he thinks everyone he works with is an a**hole). if  I try to remind him how they've included him before he sees my point, but then turns sour and I get the feeling that he thinks that I am "siding" with others. Its incredibly frustrating.

Fiance is perceived as a shy, introverted kind of guy. He smiles a lot during conversation with friends, family and strangers, and really doesn't have any input. He only does if he feels comfortable with the people, or is confident he has something solid to say. To say that it is a struggle for him to relate to people is a gross understatement.  When we are at home he picks fights with me constantly. The less stress he has in life the sweeter he is. The more stress the more isolated he is. He always sits on the opposite end of the couch from me (never snuggles up, even in good times), but HE WILL rub my feet or touch my feet. When we lay in bed at night he will squeeze me and hold me close an kiss me. During the day I think he is distracted by worry and stimulus, and therefore never considers time for snuggling. I always knew that he didn't like kissing. Whenever we kiss its a sweet soft and firm kiss on the lips, but if I try to be kinky about it he stops it just gazes at me. I have a feeling someone did something bad to him in that regard. Again, this makes me want to throw up and cry.

I've told my therapist about all this stuff, and I am at a really big transition. With the looming wedding in May 2015, and my new found clarity, I do have a bit of anxiety (note though that my panic attacks are gone. Or barely there. This was a reaction to the loss of power at the hand of my BPD sister and histrionic mother. i'm working on myself in that regard and stand up to them now. Medium Chill works wonders on BPD sister too! So i've gained quite a bit of power back).Still, i am anxious about marrying a man who is SO damaged.

We've had lots of arguments, and I'm trying to turn those around to become more direct conversations about what I need, while still showing compassion for his struggle to relate, engage and regulate. I've told him that I can't do this any more if he is going to be emotionally unavailable, constantly stressed out, always angry, and never content, or even neutral. Especially now with this new job and all these men around I think needs therapy now more than ever.

He started therapy early in 2014, and left after 5 months. His mom called the therapist about fiance's development and the therapist ACTUALLY talked to her about him. Boundary over step for the therapist obviously!! Mom cant force her way into this, especially since she is guilty of abuse herself. Fiance prob didn't feel safe, so he stopped going.

Now, he is saying that he will go therapy in January when the new year starts (the holidays are indeed crazy). I do believe him. I'm just worried that if he goes because my protesting about how sour our relationship has been that that isnt enough motivation.

i just dont know what to do. I'm scared and want to marry the man I love, but he is sometimes not emotionally available, or mentally available. What do we do if we have kids, buy a house? How will he handle it?

Does anyone have any advice for someone in a romantic relationship with a CPTSD person? Any advice on how to help him and support him (while still being true to myself)?

One more thing I forgot to mention thats major is he doesnt build on friendships. He has very superficial friendships, and I think this prevents us  from having a more fulfilling life! Or should I say me. I really like having a social network, and I think people are turned off  by his unavailability.

THANK YOU

[Rain]

Hi SaktiGirl!   And welcome to the OOTS forum.   

To understand more about CPTSD, please visit Pete Walker's site at www.pete-walker.com   

Honestly, your questions seem best suited for your therapist, SaktiGirl.

Unless I missed something in your post, I gather you do not think you are CPTSD, although I see your panic attacks, anxiety ...you have an HPD mother, BPD sister.

But, at the end of the post, you refer to your fiancé as CPTSD ...and not also you.   Is that correct?

Love is acceptance.

[SaktiGirl]

 
hi there,

Thanks for taking the time to read and respond! I appreciate it.

No.... I have not been diagnosed with anything. No CPTSD. Just had panic attacks for awhile, but like I said- they were a result of the overbearing PDs that I grew up with. My work is working on my anxiety, and the better I am at dealing with my family, the less anxiety I feel. 

I have some scars, like many of us do- from childhood, but I do not suffer from intense emotional flashbacks. In fact i don't have symptoms of CPTSD

Thanks for the Peter Walker site, I have read through it extensively before!  Without trying to give an amateur, or transferred diagnosis via my therapist, I would say it's a hunch that my fiance has CPTSD, but I cannot say for sure. Though reading through Peter Walker's site, and most descriptions of the condition, the words are like reading a description of my fiance. He is the freeze type, who has boughts of anger and rage when we are alone.

You are right about the acceptance part. I am thinking about that. There is much I accept about him, and there is some stuff I have to think about.  i know I cant force or coerce him into therapy, so I have been telling him what I can, and cannot deal with. I have had to build some boundaries, because when we started I had none. This has been a part of my therapy work.

My goal of posting was hoping that someone would read my story and have some advice about how they cope with their CPTSD SO. I am tired of  the way I parent him actually, and rather I am trying to listen and be there for him. I realize that my parenting ways and my frustration has lead him to not do some important work in the relationship. That's not helpful and I have to back off quite a bit. "He did say the other day that if we are fighting so much now,- how will our marriage be, I guess I need to go to therapy..." And that made me feel better. I know he is thinking it. So, it is indeed time to back off.

but again, I guess I came on here to see if anyone else had a story like mine. please share if you do. i am struggling with jealousy a little bit. I see other couples who have an ease to them, and I want that back. I guess its been a complex amalgamation of things that lead us here. His issues, my issues, frustration and resentment- its built now, and I think we need to start over with a little bit. I can start by understanding CPTSD and how it affects him because I have been reacting to his inner critic so much, and trying to fight it, and we all know that that doesnt work.

There's so much love and happiness built upon the foundation of this relationship. I want to do whats right for both of us, so we have a shot at a good marriage.

[Kizzie]

Hey Sakti, welcome to OOTS!

I was wondering if couples counselling might be an option given you have a wedding looming on the horizon? Your H2B could still go for his own therapy, but perhaps if you were to go to counselling you might find some ways of working together on this in a positive, healthy way.  Both my H and I come from dysfunctional backgrounds, but while I have CPTSD, he doesn't.  We managed to work together over the years, not that we quite knew what we were dealing with, but we always looked to one another for support (helps when both FOO are wingy), and once we learned about PD's and then CPTSD things just fell right into place. 

You have the advantage of knowing from there start what you are dealing with and you time to figure out if it is something you can overcome together or not. A counsellor may help that process.