Intro (possibly triggering-casual mention of CSA, SI, eating disorders)

[desiderata]

Let me start by saying I'm not officially diagnosed with cPTSD. I've been diagnosed multiple times with PTSD, GAD, EDNOS, MDD, PAD, bulimia, migraine disorder, hypothyroidism, OSA, and probably some other abbreviations I can't remember at the moment. For years I didn't have insurance and didn't receive medical or psychiatric care so I've spent the last year trying to catch up. I finally talked myself into seeing a psychiatrist a few weeks ago and she re diagnosed me with PTSD, GAD, MDD, and PAD. She said she wanted to diagnose me with cPTSD but couldn't due to the lack of classification. I was a bit in denial because I didn't think my PTSD was "that bad."

Since the re diagnoses I've been doing some research and somehow ended up here sobbing hysterically. I've always forced myself to separate my self-loathing from my diagnoses, convinced that my disorders do not cause my low self esteem and that it exists simply because I'm just an awful person. After reading so many of the threads here and reading multiple definitions of cPTSD I'm kinda starting to think maybe they are relating. My logical brain wants to say "DUHH of course they're related" and my sick brain wants to say "shut up you're just a mess because you suck." I'm here to try to help fight the sick brain and help my logical brain win.

My trauma started very shortly after I was born and the new baby appeal wore off. My dad never wanted to be a father he's still a kid himself, and my mom is even more screwed up than I am. I became a threat because now that I had popped out of her, I was getting the attention instead of her. My dad was never physically or verbally abusive, just neglectful and I could even say he still is even now that I'm an adult. My mom was rarely physically abusive, almost always verbally and emotionally abusive, and very neglectful. If I wasn't a way for her to receive attention, I was shoved to the side.

I've been told that within weeks of coming home from the hospital my grandfather started sexually abusing me. Once I was old enough to understand a bit, the threats started, the typical "Ill kill your mom and dad if you tell" stuff. This continued until I was 3 years old when I accidentally slipped up and told my family what was going on every day. I'd been found bloody and locked in rooms and or with genital injuries, but everyone was in denial. Me finally speaking up turned half the family against him and half the family against me. I still have family members who see him regularly and are convinced I made the whole thing up, even though he's abused at least 20 other family members.

Anyway, I got out of his abuse and the stuff with my parents continued. I began self harming and a myriad of eating disorders around 11. Throughout adolescence I developed a drug addiction and was sexually abused several times until I turned 21.

I'm currently in a very very safe space, I'm drug free, haven't self harmed in years and I'm doing better on the outside, but I'm constantly triggered and my depression and anxiety are taking over. Daily tasks are getting more taxing, I'm getting increasingly sensitive to sounds, touches, smells. My mood swings are getting more severe and things are just getting harder.

I've somehow managed to avoid being medicated for psych disorders my entire life. When I saw this new psychiatrist a few weeks ago she prescribed brintellix but my insurance will not cover it. I go back in a few days to get a new prescription.

I need all the help I can get to get through this but my biggest obstacle in seeking help is myself. I want to get better but I'm also convinced I don't deserve to get better.

[smg]

Welcome, desiderata!
You do deserve to heal, and you deserved so much better than the appalling behaviour of your family members!
Big hugs from me, if that feels safe.

smg

[Rain]

You made your way to a caring place here, desiderata.   Welcome.   I'm glad you are here and you can find fellow Journey friends here who know your pain.

You DO deserve healing, caring and love.

You are NOT what was done to you.   And, I hope you do discover the wonderfulness of who you truly are here at the forum, and other caring places in your life.

You deserve love, and not what you received in your first years of life.

You are not the obstacle, instead it is all the awful messages you grew up with, desiderata.    Join us in the Journey to dump those negative thoughts about yourself.   Okay?

I look forward to your posts, the sharing of how you are.   Please do check out Pete Walker's web site if you have not found it already   www.pete-walker.com

Grace and Healing in your Journey, desiderata.

Rain   

[C.]

Welcome and thank you for sharing your story.  I am so sorry that you've experienced so many terrible things in your life.  For some people the environment dealt us is so so painful.  And as others have said it isn't you.  Other's planted false thoughts in your brain at a very young age.  But you're an adult now and taking steps to heal and recover from those lies.  The truth is that you are a noble being.  It may take time to believe this truth, but you're taking steps and I am grateful to be one of those witnesses in your journey here.  Thank you.