Introducing Myself

[ElizabethGenevieve]

Hi everyone,

I hope this is the right place to introduce myself.

For starters, I'm 20 years old. I haven't been officially diagnosed with PTSD or C-PTSD but at the very least I know I have a lot of the symptoms. I'm not sure if I'll go get diagnosed or tested someday, I know you all will say I should but to be honest I really don't want to go on medications or be stuck in therapy forever.

I don't have the stereotypical PTSD story of a single, traumatic event in my life that forever changed me. My "trauma," if it can even be considered that, has been ongoing abuse (although never physical) in my family for as long as I can remember. I don't really have the mental energy to go into all the details right now, but basically I'm pretty sure my F and siblings are sociopaths and/or narcissists, and have systematically abused and manipulated my mom for what seems like forever. My siblings are more aggressive and verbally abusive, where my F is extremely passive aggressive (just as a small example - when he's mad he gets extremely sullen, sleeps on the couch, and basically gives my mom the silent treatment for weeks at a time). There is no reasoning with them or challenging them on anything unless you do it very, very carefully and without touching their ego.

To put it more simply, there has just been so much mental manipulation and verbal and emotional abuse in what should be my safest relationships that I'm utterly exhausted and in a lot of pain  It kills me to watch them tear apart my mom and not be able to stop it. They do the same to me but I've more or less figured out what to do/not to do to avoid triggering an attack from them. I think my situation is also worse because this isn't something just happening now - it's been going on my whole life, so I've never felt safe or at home with them. A part of me still feels like a very lonely little girl, as immature as that sounds. I didn't realize how messed up my family is until a friend reached out to me and I opened up to her, and realized my family isn't normal or healthy, and some families really do love each other in healthy ways, at least some of the time.

Which brings me to where I'm at now. I dealt with some bitterness towards them for awhile, but now I just hurt, a lot. I still love and care about them (yeah I know that's backwards because they are such jerks), but I'm done dealing with their crap. I literally cannot handle it anymore. I feel like about a year or so ago something in my brain just snapped. I started having nightmares almost every night (I still do), my hands shake and tremble a lot, I see double when I'm stressed, to name a few. When even the slightest conflict starts at home my whole body goes cold, I shake, and completely shut down. I've dealt with a lot of depersonalization issues since I was a child as well. I was suicidal for awhile but then I realized that wouldn't really solve anything. It would just pass my pain to other people, so I've succeeded in putting that idea out of my mind, at least for the time being. But honestly the pain is enough that death sounds very inviting sometimes (not to be morbid).

But anyways, that's the short story of me and where I'm at. I've also wondered for a few years now if I was sexually abused as a child because of some other weird symptoms I have (I'll probably discuss those later in a different thread), but I'm not sure so that's an entirely different issue. I'm looking forward to (hopefully) getting some support from you guys who understand, and giving the same in return.

[Also as a note because I'm sure some of you will ask - I'm planning on moving out of my parent's house asap. I just got a steady job finally, and I'm in the process of apartment hunting.]

Much love,
Elizabeth Genevieve

[Candid]

My "trauma," if it can even be considered that, has been ongoing abuse (although never physical) in my family for as long as I can remember.

Mine too. I often think we should change C-PTSD to CTSD, because there's nothing "post" about it in my case. It's very in-my-face.

there has just been so much mental manipulation and verbal and emotional abuse in what should be my safest relationships that I'm utterly exhausted and in a lot of pain

I know.   

A part of me still feels like a very lonely little girl, as immature as that sounds.

Me too.

realized my family isn't normal or healthy, and some families really do love each other

Hurts, doesn't it? A whole world we're forever shut out of.

now I just hurt, a lot. I still love and care about them (yeah I know that's backwards because they are such jerks), but I'm done dealing with their crap.

With you on all of that.

the pain is enough that death sounds very inviting sometimes (not to be morbid).

I think we all go through that. I certainly do.

I'm glad to know you've got a secure job and will be moving out of your parents' house soon. You'll find support and validation here from We Who Know. Welcome to the forum!

[sanmagic7]

hi, elizabeth/genevieve, and welcome.  so glad you're here.

to get treatment or not is entirely your choice.  same with meds even if you do seek professional help.  as for being in therapy forever, again, it's your call.  you can decide if/when you want to go, how much it's helping, and how long you want to stay.  that's all in your power and no one else's.  i've been down that entire road, stopped it when it wasn't helping anymore, so i know it can be done.  others here have done the same.   it's your recovery, you get to call the shots.

yeah, exhaustion and pain come with the territory of having to battle to stay safe and be yourself.   i'm also very glad for you that you now have a job and will be able to leave a toxic environment soon.  best to you.  i've found a lot of relief being here - these are some of the most kind and caring people i've come across ever. 

[ElizabethGenevieve]

Thank you Candid and sanmagic7 for your support, it means a lot. It's so nice that you seem to care. And thank you sanmagic7 for what you said about therapy being entirely under my control - I hadn't realized that before. I kinda thought they push you into stuff so it's nice to know I have the freedom to say "no."