Therapy journal

[Three Roses]

"Sometimes you just need to talk about something - not to get sympathy or help, but just to kill its power by allowing the truth of things to hit the air." Karen Salmansohn

I've had 3 sessions with my new therapist. This is the first time, tho, that I have been thinking of talking about my * as therapy as opposed to counseling, or advice. I wasn't sure I could talk to a male, but male he is and he is what was sent ("when the student is ready, the teacher appears" attitude here). So I decided to flex my puny little trust muscles and give him a shot.

The last session I asked him when we would start getting to the actual therapy part of this all. He said, "We started the first time you walked in here." I then asked what kind of therapy we are doing and he replied gestalt.

I like the way he listens and processes, then reflects back to me. He sits back and closes his eyes, and really seems like he's tapping into something while he thinks about what I've said. I'm very surprised that I feel open enough to have continued seeing him; he had asked during our 1st or 2nd session whether his being male might interfere with a therapeutic relationship, and I replied "Yes it might," which seemed to surprise him. But I've told myself I'm going to be honest this time, first with myself and then with others.

But, that is going to be very difficult for me and probably painful.

[hurtbeat]

Sounds like a promising beginning I really hope it works out!

[sanmagic7]

i like that he told you therapy started as soon as you walked in.  that's as it should be.

making that distinction for yourself, 3roses, that you were going to look at this as therapy instead of counseling i think is a big step.  it seems like it's a commitment of some kind, and your remark about being honest is a valuable step in that direction.  well done!

and kudos to you on taking the chance with a male therapist.   it's possible that the male/female dynamic can address certain issues that would otherwise be left on the shelf, so to speak.  i've had both male and female - no safety issues at all with the male. 

so, here's hoping that this continues in a positive manner.  so far, so good, it sounds like.  warrior spirit to the fore once again.  you go, girl!     

[meursault]

Good it's working with a male therapist for you.  I asked to change therapists after two sessions with my current (really good) therapist, because she is stunningly good looking, but decided to give it  more of a chance.  When I finally trusted her enough to tell her about how women affect me, she was very good about delving into and letting me explore my feelings for her.   I'm still regularly terrified of her, and sometimes sexually attracted, but she uses them to further things.  Being able to explore a lot of this stuff with her is what is necessary for me, I think.   And I think being honest with her is the only thing that made it even possible.   Her one "rule" when I told her about being attracted to her was that I needed to tell her when I felt that, or it would be damaging to the work we do.   I really think that honesty is key (for me, at least).

If you can make it work (and flex your trust muscles enough!), maybe it will be just what you need.  Not for everything maybe, but for the issues related to that dynamic.  I've told my therapist eventually I will move on from her because I think I'll need something I can only get from a male therapist.

Maybe you'll find a male therapist is the best possible thing at the moment.  I know I am still happy, and surprised at myself, that I took the chance with my very good looking therapist.

I wonder if he closes his eyes because he needs to do that to put himself in your shoes more fully?

Meursault

[Three Roses]

Yes, I think that's it, Meursault.   Really makes me feel like he's really listening.

[Candid]

my puny little trust muscles

Lol, Three Roses!

I like the way he listens and processes

Sounds like you've struck a good 'un.

he had asked during our 1st or 2nd session whether his being male might interfere with a therapeutic relationship, and I replied "Yes it might,"

I know what you mean. I would prefer a woman about my own age whose first language is English -- ie. "someone like me" -- but seeing as I'm on a long waiting list I won't have any say in it. The psychiatric nurse who assessed me for trauma therapy was a youngster and had a thick accent, as well as speaking very quietly, so I was constantly asking him to repeat himself and wondering whether he understood anything I said.

... But I've told myself I'm going to be honest this time, first with myself and then with others.

I plan to be totally open with this therapist, and obviously I do have a say in whether to go beyond the first session (or the first ten minutes). I've wasted too much time with so-so therapists already. If s/he doesn't know what CPTSD is or believes all mothers love their children I'll be out of there fast. I haven't dared think beyond that because it's what I'm hanging on for.

But, that is going to be very difficult for me and probably painful.

I know. I'm really sick of having to hide myself around pretty much everyone. I think if I was able to express honest feelings (apart from on our forum) it would be a healthy and empowering thing, but I can only start with someone who's paid to listen to me. I realise no one wants to hear endless tales of woe, but transparency of feelings must surely be acceptable?

[Three Roses]

Well, we are a few more visits in and I still feel positive about this T. I'm a member of an HMO and he had some really encouraging things to say about the direction they're headed regarding trauma-informed therapy.

So far he hasn't had one negative reaction to anything I've said. Time to open up a little more, heh heh. We'll see if he's ready for this! Wait til he hears about all my inner children.

My attitudes have shifted radically since I've started therapy. I have no idea if it's from that or not. I just know I feel better, different.

He initially said he wanted to see me every 2 weeks or so but I balked at that. Now that I'm more comfortable with him I'll do it. I'm looking forward to getting over this, or even just getting more healing like what I've experienced already.

More to come....

[Candid]

So far he hasn't had one negative reaction to anything I've said.

This is the most important thing: believe, without question, what your client tells you.

My attitudes have shifted radically since I've started therapy. I have no idea if it's from that or not. I just know I feel better, different.

#

There's nothing quite like being heard by someone who's actually in the room with you. I'm so pleased for you, Three Roses!

[sanmagic7]

yippee yi ki yay, 3 roses!  sounds like some wonderful news to me.  i'm so glad for you that it's turning into a positive experience after all.  that's just friggin' marvelous!

glad to hear you're getting ready to take that next step.  good for you.  i love it when things just click into place or make a change without our rationally doing anything to bring it on.  very happy for you, sweetie.  big hug!

[Kizzie]

That's great Three Roses!      and   

[Three Roses]

Wasn't able to make it to my last appointment because of car trouble. Next appointment is in a couple of weeks. I find that I'm looking forward to it.

[sanmagic7]

yay for you!  don't you love it when things turn out better than you expected?  i know i do, and i love it for you that this is going that well. 

[Three Roses]

Saw T again yesterday. Something happened in the waiting room while I was waiting to be called in, and I was badly dissociated during the entire session. I had a hard time staying on track, hard time finding the right words, I felt nervous and was jumpy.

I read a little more about gestalt therapy when I got home, and I'm not sure this type of therapy will be helpful to me, as it focuses on how we perceive ourselves and the world around us. But it's not my perception that is faulty; it's the emotional flashbacking, the dissociating, the offline speech center - I want to learn how to combat all that. I know how to get out of an EF but is there anything I can do to avoid having one in the first place?

I know he's not particularly experienced with CPTSD but he's open to talking about it. In a way I'm glad I had a mini-meltdown right before my session because it may be valuable for him to see how I get. I imagine it would be difficult to understand without seeing someone have an EF.

I have promised to trust this process and stick with it. I will, until I am convinced this type of therapy is not what I need. So far, just talking about things is good.

[sanmagic7]

hey, 3roses,

i think as long as you're feeling good about what's happening, both in the session and within yourself, then it's a go.  from what i understand, gestalt is about the whole picture, how you belong with you and everything around you.

it sounds like what happened was a good thing to me, too.  like you said, unless someone can see in order to understand what happens in our world, and how we fit in our world, it's difficult to imagine it.   one of the best trauma therapists i know began with a gestalt background.   without intending it, you gave your t a very gestalt look at what you're dealing with.

whether this type of therapy, or this particular therapist is going to take you all the way to where you want to go is still up in the air.  i do believe, tho, that, from what you're saying, it's a productive path leading in the right direction.  so far, so good.

i'm just so glad for you that you're ok with this so far, that your t is validating your experience by wanting to learn more about the c-ptsd world through you.  kudos to him.  and kudos to you for sticking with it.  very courageous, my dear.  big hug to you.