Father arrested and emotionally abusive

[Julia]

I believe I appear to have a good life from the outside. However, I suffer almost constantly from what I now believe are symptoms related to childhood trauma.

My dad was abusive to my mom. They divorced when I was 4 and my dad went to live in another state. When I was 5, my dad kidnapped me and my brother. We lived with him for about a year with no contact with my mom. However, we were treated well by my father and his family. Eventually he did not want to hide anymore and let my mom know where we were. At that point, my mom's family had my dad arrested and we saw him being taken away in handcuffs.

After that, we had intermittent contact with my father and his family. Sometimes we had to talk to my dad on the phone. My father would go on and on about how horrible my mom and grandparents were. He made up lies that made no sense. Sometimes he called CPS to come to our house, but of course we were fine.

Around middle school, my father went to court and the judge mandated that we had to start visiting him. He would yell and scream angrily when we didn't act the way he wanted. I remember one time locking myself in the bathroom with a razor on my wrist, thinking I wanted to hurt myself because he was just screaming at me relentlessly through the door.

While my mom's family was the "good" family, my mom could be neglectful emotionally. She was always the victim in her mind and was not able to be a role model or give advice. She gave us no discipline and let us eat junk food for every meal. With good reason, she absolutely hated my dad's family and allowed me to believe they are basically monsters. Later, as an adult, I wanted to have some contact with my dad's family and she made me feel guilty about that. I don't talk to her much now, because she can be passive aggressive and makes me feel bad about myself. I also don't talk much to my dad's family, because of fear of rejection from aunts and cousins and also fear of emotional abuse from my father.

My father is from another country, which brings another layer of complexity to the situation. In some ways, there is just a language and cultural barrier. In other ways, I know my father is not normal in any culture.

Ultimately, I have a normal life. I have a job and a long term relationship. However, I struggle with fear of many situations, not feeling close to my friends, back aches, depression, not doing things I want to do, and infertility. When I have tried to seek help for some of these things, people in the past have written it off because I don't appear to be suffering. I look like a healthy functioning person. However, I live with pain and hurt and isolation pretty much all the time.

I learned about trauma online and I think it may be the source of my problems. I hope to one day find treatment and release from the pain. Just wanted to share my story. Thanks for listening

[Blackbird]

Hey Julia 

Glad you're reaching out for help. Are you in therapy or tried any sort of treatment or is this the first time you're seeking help?

Hope you can find what you're looking for in your journey, I can relate to a lot of what you said, parents' behaviors and the aftermath in adulthood.

Just wanted to say you're not alone 

[Julia]

Thanks! No, I went to therapy for about 6 months, but that ended last summer. I'd like to start going again, but it's not an easy process to find someone I like who is convenient and affordable.