help less

[silentrhino]

it's interesting to me to read about folk here who are self diagnosing.  I had never heard of this disorder before and received it from a T who apparently is up on the topic.  I have been very bad with taking care of self, have put self in danger due to inability to process past trauma. Help less is how I felt before; this name makes sense now. I thank all who have responded to any of my rambling posts. I am alone now, no family, no friends and feeling fragile. my partner left me yesterday, I don't blame him, a middle aged queer is no picnic.

[sanmagic7]

hey, silentrhino, an older emotional woman is no picnic either!  sometimes i just want to leave myself, cuz i can hardly stand what i've become - sick, overly emotional, and not always comprehending what's going on around me or what's expected of me.

you may be alone in the world in which you live, but you're not alone here on this forum.  i swear, the  people i've met and have gotten to know here have carried me through some of my worst situations and experiences in the past year.  i could never have made it without them, and that's even when i had friends and lived with my husband.

we're standing right beside you, encircling you with care and support.  i'm very sorry your partner has left.  c-ptsd is no picnic for anyone.  it's a beast that corrupts and disrupts even the strongest relationships.  holding out a hand for as long as you need it.  big hug.

[Dee]

Or alone, middle aged, woman....

I get it, but I think I write here every day that I am not alone here.  I write it because every day I feel thankful to have the support that this forum offers.

[Three Roses]

We invite you onto our cyber-porch. Pull up a comfy chair! You'll be handed the beverage of your choice, and if you're cold you can sit closer to the fire pit or grab a cozy blanket. The view is beatific! 

[Fictionalizer]

I am alone now, no family, no friends and feeling fragile.

***TW***

I can so relate. I'm an older woman. Cut off ties with my FOO in 1988. I recently decided to end a relationship with a narc friend who had bipolar and borderline PD. That leaves me friendless. And my dog died. He was a wonderful buddy.

If it wasn't for my hubby and his support I'd be completely alone. We will have been married for 32 years in September.

Right now I'm feeling as if I'm slip sliding away from everything. I plan to go back to therapy sooner than later. It's been a 25 year slog before knowing about C-PTSD, which explains much of what I'm feeling. As a friend on another forum said to me, "You're going to need to see someone who's very experienced in trauma and PTSD." So far I've only found one such person close to me.

[Candid]

sometimes i just want to leave myself, cuz i can hardly stand what i've become - sick, overly emotional, and not always comprehending what's going on around me or what's expected of me.

I hear you, sister! I always feel happy for and envious of the younger ones who come to our forum, because I would have continued blind, deaf and irreparably maimed until death if not for all the internet research I started just five years ago. Being at that stage in my late 50s, I discovered I'd been sold a big fat lie and got more and more messed up with each passing year. It takes a lot of energy to keep running and hiding, vaguely believing you must be rotten to the core but never questioning where that idea came from -- energy that would have been much better spent on my career.

Thanks, Big Sister, for telling me in 2012: "It's obvious you were the family scapegoat." No prize for shrugging it off all those years and saying it to me in anger, though. You could have saved me decades of pain and self-defeating choices.

silentrhino, there's such sadness in your posts. I hope you'll tell us more about the life that led you up to this point. You certainly have friends here.

Fictionalizer, good idea to get some professional help with these issues. IME partners and close friends take umbrage at hearing how alone we feel with our 'stuff', so it's not a good idea to process long-ago wounds and neediness with our nearest and dearest.

to each of you.

[silentrhino]

HI there, thank you for replying to my ramblings.  I think there isn't much to be gained by learning about my past other than the fact that I didn't face it well.  For the coming generations I hope that you escape sooner than I did from whomever is oppressing you.  I lived in a state of perpetual fear of family, school and the Holy Ghost.  Now I no longer live in fear for my existence because that is over but I hope for your sake, the oppressed and repressed, that you run away fast.  Don't look back, ever.

[Candid]

I think there isn't much to be gained by learning about my past other than the fact that I didn't face it well.

Probably none of us did. That's why we're here. As adults with years of experience and knowledge, we can look back at the young people we were are say for pity's sake, why didn't we stand up for ourselves and/or get out sooner? But self-blame can be crippling and it isn't fair. We did what we did in order to survive. It was the best we knew at the time.

Now I no longer live in fear for my existence because that is over...

The fear is over but the grief and rage remain. These are the feelings that keep us stuck and isolate us from the people around us.

You're not alone here, silentrhino, and I understand you have a good therapist. The focus needs to be on taking care of yourself.