To S...

[milkandhoney11]

It feels strange to be writing this into a void, knowing fully well that you may never read these words. You probably don't want to hear from me again after everything that happened between us, but I still feel the need to try and put these thoughts out there somewhere.

I've been really struggling with the fact that I haven't been allowed to say my goodbyes to you nor apologize to you directly. You have meant (and probably will always mean) incredibly much to me so it hurts that I never got a chance to explain what happened or make amends. There's nothing I wouldn't give for the opportunity to make things right between us but I understand that it is far too late now.

I keep imagining how much pain I must have caused you and I am finding it very hard to live with the knowledge that I have harmed such a wonderful person as you are. I have met you at a time when my depression was at its worst and my days were filled with thoughts of ending my life. I felt unspeakably lonely and isolated. I could hardly breathe because there was so much darkness in and around me but even though I visibly struggled, I felt as if no one noticed or cared- no one but you. You never said anything to me directly but I knew you understood what I was going through and somehow your presence helped me make it through these most difficult times. Every second of my life was reigned by overwhelming pain, yet whenever I was near you I suddenly felt miraculously safe. You would look at me and in that instant the world around us stopped. For a split second there was no more pain, no more worry. All the tumult in my heart subsided and was replaced by the most wonderful feeling of love that went beyond anything I could ever have imagined. It was as if my soul was about to explode with happiness and when you smiled at me I could have sworn that I was being lifted to heaven.

Was this bond that we shared ever real? Did you ever care about me the way I imagined you to? Or was it all just a fantasy conjured by my frenzied brain in a desperate attempt to stay alive? I will probably never know. All I can say is that I started clinging to you like a life raft. To me you were the one single person that kept me going, the only reason I have left to stay alive. And so I never actually noticed how much I was hurting you with all my miserable energy. I didn't realise in how much danger I was putting you and that is something I will always regret to my very last breath.

I hope that maybe one day you will be able to believe me when I say that I never wanted to hurt you. I love you with all my heart and it pains me so much to know that I have made you suffer. If I could I would go back in time and change everything that happened but, of course, this is impossible so all that is left for me to do is to pray that you will be okay.

I'm finding it very hard to believe in a caring, benevolent God right now because I cannot understand why God would allow so much suffering in this world and yet I find myself praying for you every single day. I beg for him (or her?) to send you the healing that you need, to take away your pain, and fill your heart with love again. I hope so much that you will be able to recover your faith in yourself and the world and I pray that your life will be filled with all the good things that this universe has to offer.

You are the most wonderful human being I have ever been allowed to meet and I cannot help but feel grateful for every valuable moment that we have shared in this life time even though I wished that there hadn't been so much pain. Do you think that you might be able to forgive me some day? I hardly dare to ask but it would mean so incredibly much to me to have your forgiveness.

Thank you for every smile, every wave, and every kind word that you told me- I will never forget all that you did for me. I just wished I had given you something positive in return and not ended up hurting the only person I have ever truly loved. I am not sure whether you will be able to believe me but I truly wished I could have been there for you the way you were always here for me. I honestly wanted to give you all the love I could possibly hold, so it pains me to know that I have been sending you all this unspeakable pain instead.

I cannot say often enough how sorry I am for everything that has happened. There is no way I can ever repair what I did to you but I sincerely hope that you may find peace someday.

All the best wishes