push/pull relationship ended, don't know how to deal with the sorrow and pain

[Youla]

Hi there,

After almost two years the push/pull relationship with my ex partner, seems to be definatly over. This time he broke up with me, for the first and probably the last time. It was totally unexpected. He couldnt take it anymore, is what he said. He couldn't take the arguments anymore...wich I understand.

We were in couple's counseling the last two months and things started to improve rapidly. I was learning about myself, and the relationship dynamic we had became very clear to me. I changed the way i responded to him while being triggered, I watched myself closely and became aware of distorted cognitions and was able to create more balance and clearity in the relationship.

For the last months I really commited myself to this relationship, in a way I havent done before. No longer was I running away from him when difficulty's arose, when triggered I didnt shut myself down anymore but remained in contact with him, kept communicating with him. These are really big steps for me. I was commited to stay with him and not run away or break up when being triggered. I followed trough. The relationship became more stable, alltough we still had arguments, we seemed to make peace much quicker...

And then, after a late night phonecall where I panicked and freaked out because the relationship therapist wanted to quit the counseling all of a sudden, he finally broke up with me.

I feel so heartbroken, sorry, shamefull, guilty, and hurt, and don't know how to handle these emotions without panicking.

I miss him so much. I did send him a couple of e-mails and he is not responding. He feels that I gave him secundary PTTS, wich I find almost unbearable. I never want to 'harm' anyone, and the thought that I 'harmed' him in that way makes me feel so guilty.

The arguments we had where mostly about the fact that I wanted him to read something about CPTSD or about EFT (couples counseling). He always promised to do it, but never did. I don't understand why this man never read anything that could have helped us, and save the relationship.

How do I handle these strong emotions without getting sucked in a major EF and going completely nuts.

[Three Roses]

Welcome, thanks for joining us. I'm not able to write more at this time but will try to come back to this and answer later. Feeling triggered at the moment. (Not from your post.)

[Three Roses]

I had a long term, push-pull relationship. I'd always blamed him, subconsciously, for all the trouble in our relationship. When we finally split, I had a major revelation: that I had stayed in our dysfunctional relationship because it was the only thing I knew. I had to have a relationship where there was always a "push" dynamic, it was the only way I could stand up.

It took a long time for me to see my part in what kept our relationship sick. I'm working on making myself healthy, not for anyone but myself, because I deserve to be happy.

I hope you find your answers, keep posting here.

[Youla]

Thanks for sharing about your own experience, Three Roses!

I blame the both of us for the push-pull dynamic. During this relationship I started working on myself in relation to my ex. I could finally admit that I had attachament issues, and because I could admit it to myself I was able to work on it. I learned so much about myself in a short time span, it was as if curtains opened and I could see more clearly what my relationship pattern is.

After the last time we came back togheter I became very commited, and had no intention of letting this relationship go. I believed we finally could make it...

I worked so hard for the both of us, that I missed the signals my ex was sending. They where very subtle, but in hindsight i see that i overlooked them.

I started learning about the different attachament styles and understood our struggle and push and pull dynamic a lot better. It's hard to let it go... I felt so close to a real and stable relationship! And I really love him.

Maybe it is for the best, and maybe you'r right Three Roses! Maybe this is all I know about being in a relationship. I still have a lot to learn. Thanks again for your reply, it;s helpfull.