My Family of Origin

[Badmemories]

I am the oldest child of five step siblings. My Mother is a Narcissist My first step father was a narcissist, I had 2 brothers who committed suicide in their teens. My Sister is a narcissist. She is/was the scapegoat. My brother and I get along but I never see him. He is the Golden Child.My Husband is a narcissist also. I see signs of Cptsd in My son who was in Iraq for a year. I see signs of Narcissism in My Daughter. Right now I am surrounded by all of these people who drive me crazy!

I don't remember much about My childhood but FEAR. I was afraid of both of my parents. I was the oldest child and was made to do all the things that were My Mothers responsibility. When I was 12 She divorced My StepDAD. Things should have been better but I was elivated to the family Role of Mother, and My Mother became the father.

I felt great Responsibility for My sibilings. When brother 3 committed suicide I felt like I should have prevented it. Brother 2 committed suicide the night I graduated from High school. I still feel responsible for My Sister because of My up bringing. My heart cries out for her to get help and understand the things I had discovered on Out of the fog website. My Mother NPD and I are in contact almost daily. She is almost 80 now and very healthy physically well. her NPD has got better since she has is older. I have a few issues with her.

The problem That Has really made MY cptsd worse is living with My NPD husband. The Last 17 years of My life have been living he$%. My strength mentally is lower than it ever has been.

I was Diagnoised with Bi-Polar disorder in My 20's, and I am being medicated for that. After reading about various Mental Illnesses I feel that I am really C-PTSD. I am hoping to get more information about Myself.

[Kizzie]

Hi and welcome to the site BadMemories. I am so sorry for all that you have gone through and are now going through. Personality disorders (PDs) can wreck havoc on our lives and souls as so many of us with CPTSD know only too well. Feeling like you could have helped your brothers is a terrible burden to bear, you were just a child yourself. Letting your sister know there are resources available is the most you can do, it's up to her to change things for herself.  Perhaps if she see's changes in you she will find her way to Out of the FOG and here.

You mentioned that your strength is the lowest it has been and I can only imagine.  Dealing with personality disordered family of origin (PD FOO) can drain our energy and that's one reason I started this site - to turn our attention away from our PD FOO (which is incredibly hard to do as you know being surrounded by it as you were and are), and put it back on ourselves first and what we need and want in recovery.  In your situation, mine and likely in the case of most members who join this board, it maybe the first time we have ever put ourselves at the top of the list. Since those with a PD aren't likely to change, imo our energy needs to be on us and how we can regain our health and well-being.

Were any of the strategies in the Toolbox at Out of the Fog able to help you in dealing with those in your family who have a personality disorder?  In my case now that I have gone LC and NC with various FOO, know how to use medium chill and set and maintain boundaries, I feel like finally I have the room and energy to turn my attention to my CPTSD.

Hopefully by sharing our experiences and knowledge we can build a similar Toolbox to the one at Out of the FOG for recovery from CPTSD. One resource I find incredibly helpful is Pete Walker's web site - http://www.pete-walker.com/and his book "CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving - A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma." Have you seen his site and/or read the book? 

Also, I see you have been diagnosed with BPD and on medication - are you seeing a therapist at all?   

Glad you found your way here ;-)   

[Badmemories]

Thank You for answering my post.
Right now OOTF is my life line! I think because of the abuse that I have been through my whole life My mind was so BLOCKED tha many of the psyc books I have bought and read did not help me much. I had just found my copy of Toxic Parents. I remember when I read it is is like it did not make any sense to me.

I was in Day patient treatment 2 times and I did not get real long term help from it. Probably my fault some because I did not work all the program when I went home.  Funny both notebooks just disappeared ... Hubby probably did not like the results he was seeing. One the Other Hand when I am Mentioning how MY NPD Mom Sis, and Hubby treated me etc. Why didn't they teach me about NPD behaviors and how it affected me? I could have been reading and understanding it better.

Treatment reccommended for me to go to a crisis center here... I went and the lady she seem crazy herself. I mean she could NOT SEE why I needed Therapy to leave my husband.. she thought I should have not problem filing for divorce and moving on...She should read the OOTF divorcing section!! I mean MY NPDH is very scarry. He beat me up so many times. ( he doesn't now because I called the law on him they filed attempted murder on him so he does not touch me now... )He really doesn't have to now the component of feer has been beat into me.

I just got on a medical insurance program, so I am hoping to find a T. I know that can be a chore in it's self. I have had the same physiciatrist for 24 years.. and I had a hard time just getting the medical to pay for that .

Yes the toolbox is a great source of information for me. I thought about all the NPDpeople in my family and went over everything and copy and pasted the problems each person had, and what not to do and what to do, and I have it in my notebook. I go over it each time I need strength and clarification.

I promise I will not answer every question every time.. as this site gets established. I just know how hard it is to start something new.. I think It is  a great plan you have though..I like the idea of putting the focus on Myself. I was a Forum Moderator for over a year for a popular game on Facebook. The game was sold to a russian game company so they removed the forum. So, I was out of a job! Are You going to put in spell check? I really need that. I am a great communicator but a very bad speller!

I do post on OOTF under a different name. I changed it because I thought that IF I needed to recomment this site to someone I do not want them to go to OOTF and see the things I wrote about them!:) Not sure IF you are intereted but IF you message me than I will confide in you what my OOTF name is.

Thanks Again.. I am at YOU service IF you need anything. I am going to apply as a Moderator when My life gets in better shape and I have more time!

[Annegirl]

 Hi Bad memories,
I shook my head through your whole post. So sorry over everything you've had to deal with.
I feel so sad for all your bad memories and I really hope you will start to be able to see hope and get help and support and love from here.
Sending you love and peace

[Annegirl]

Hi again, far out, it's ridiculous how you were in such obvious need of help and that woman didn't see it!! Please pm me your ootf name.
I'm so glad we can talk and that you have this place.
Big hug

[Badmemories]

This Weekend I will be going to a Rugby tournament to see My Son play. I am trying to get out of the House more. I am going with My unpd Mom. We have getting along lately!  So I hope that everything goes well!

My Son is divorced so I will get to see My grand Son who I have not seen for several years! I am looking forward to that! He is the spitting image of MY Son! He is 5!

Anyway... I will be working My program. I will probably NOT be posting, however I will be reading Your posts!

[Kizzie]

Kudos for getting out of the house BadMemories more.  Hope you have fun at the rugby tournament and especially seeing your GS, nothing like a little one to put things in persepctive 

[Badmemories]

So far so good mom in a good mood:) Son came to hotel to give Us directions to matches. He was in a good mood said GF was crabby:(

Tomorrow get to see dear GS. Unfortunately his mom also... She is a drama queen crap stirrer and liar... I will do my best! Hoping to find out about all my pictures she toke.  When she and my Son moved to her state they went through all my stuff and toke 2 boxes of pictures. They were all the family pictures... 20+ years worth. When they got divorced she said she couldn't find them but DS says she did have them. So wish me luck that I make progress on that!

He really is going all out with visit from Son he got tickets to national baseball team. He also got tickets to theBIG football team in our state. Paid for their gas hotel rooms, etc. Such a sweet son.. I guess in a positive way he is my GC but not in a bad way:) My daughter is kind to me also. She asked if I had decent shoes, and the shoe horse thT she is borrowed me 2 sweet pr. All modern, and 1 she only wore once. She is fussy and I am almost messy so it was a nice gesture!

Keep me in your thoughts! Keep on keeping on!

[Kizzie]

We're thinking of you - let us know how it went!