Hi and my story in a nutshell *trigger warning*

[SaraCdx]

Hi,

I'm 27 now and still suffering from the echos of things that happenned as I was growing up. I am safe now, I live in a small cosy flat with a loving boyfriend and a red cat.

I've been physically, emotionally and verbally abused and tortured by my father who I suspect has some distinctive psychopathic personality traits. Some things I remember very vaguely or not at all, probably due to the physical head trauma or just my subconscious trying to block it out. The things I do remember make my blood run cold. I remember my father enjoying doing what he did. His eyes, usually dead and emotionless "fish eyes", filled with sadistic joy in those moments.

I've been diagnosed with PTSD and I see my symptoms in that, but I think it doesn't take into account the effect traumatic experiences have on a child's forming brain. For example a journalist in a hot spot can be captured and tortured and develop PTSD from it. But that is a grown person with already formed personality, sense of self worth and some mental shield against stress, all these things will help him in coping with the trauma later on. But imagine it is a child whose tortured. And not for a week or day, but many, many years.

I can't concentrate or deal with stress, I forget things like where I left my keys, what day of the week it is, what my plans were, the chapter of a book I just read. When I'm  anxious or once again spiraling down into depression, I even find it hard to gather my thoughts and form sentences. I have nightmares still and wake up feeling like I've been beaten up or hit by a car. I take antidepressants of course, but still I have days when I want to take my own life just not to feel anything and instead of it I still sometimes resort to self harm (like cutting my hands, hitting or pinching myself, poking my palm with a pointy object). These are the things I used to do as a child, now I try to do therapy(not right now, between therapists) and follow a healthy lifestyle, but they still happen. I have trouble socially and get panic attacks and very, very painful anxiety and sense of dread.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about taking my life just because the symptoms are so painful and I don't see how I can go on living like that, on days like these I don't know what to do with myself. I know the symptoms will most likely always be with me in some form of another. But of course I can't do it right now because I have a loving boyfriend and I would never want to hurt him. If I hadn't had him, I'm pretty sure I would've done it by now.

I'm just here looking for some support I think.

[Dee]

Welcome to OOTS.

I am sorry you have been through so much.  I think you will find people here who you can identify with.  Not exactly, no two people are the same, but similar.  There is a board about suicide and self harm.  I have posted in there and perhaps you can find a coping tool that you had not considered yet.  At the very least you can know that other people struggle too.  One thing I have not posted is a have a laminated card I keep in my purse.  It has a list of 40 things I can do to take my mind off of things for a little while.  Sometimes I just need to redirect to keep bad thoughts from taking over.  My favorite one right now is watching the movie Chicago.  It moves fast, the songs are good, and I can't help but sing along (sometimes dance too).

[Three Roses]

Welcome!

You may want to research "developmental trauma disorder", which is what I think I have. I can't concentrate any more (was never good at it), sometimes I can't even pay attention to a movie, or a conversation without a lot of effort.

Thanks for joining

[Lingurine]

SarahCdx, welcome to this site. It sounds familiar, the feelings you describe about your depression and the hopelessness of it all. I do understand. Sometimes it helps me when I feel like that, to just accept those feelings and not to fight them too much. Then the tension decreases a little bit. I hope this helps and maybe writing about it helps too. I hope to read more from you on the boards.

Lingurine

[sanmagic7]

hey, saracdx, so glad you're here.  welcome.

i'm glad you have loving support around you, including your cat.  they can definitely help us through the roughest times.  my hub and my daughter have kept me alive more than once - i couldn't do that to them. 

it's terrible what you went through.  above all, i'm glad you're safe now.  hope to hear more from you when you're ready.