Am I lying to myself?

[mirneka]

My husband and I have been married for 2.5 years. I love him and he loves me. We both have similar issues as we both were emotionally and physically abused as children. My issues seem to be deeper though since I was also molested, and raped when I was older. I have had a few years of therapy and have learned to recognize my triggers. When I do, we normally talk about them and they go away. Sometimes I do miss them and we end up having a big fight.

Tonight was not a problem with the triggers though. A week ago we moved across the country. The move was exhausting for both of us. Our apartment is still filled with boxes. I started to feel frustrated that my husband would not do anything about unpacking unless I asked him to and so I voiced my frustration. When I did, he completely disregarded me, saying that it was just one of my triggers and that I was being ridiculous. I told him that I felt like most of the burden of the move was on me and I felt like most of the unpacking was also on my shoulders, but he just kept on saying that I was being ridiculous. The fight escalated pretty significantly. He stormed out of the room first, then he stormed out of the apartment... then he came back... and now he sleeping in a spare bedroom. Before he went there, he told me to go * myself under his breath.

Throughout our marriage he has threatened to leave me numerous times.

I feel like whenever I have a complaint, he blames it back on me - that it is my triggers to blame and he is completely innocent and will not change a thing about his behavior. Sometimes, if I am persistent enough, he does end up changing his behavior, but it takes A LOT. I.e. in the very beginning of our relationship, he called me a * once. I told him that it is absolutely not ok to call me that in any situation. We had a big fight about it, he kept telling me that I was being absolutely unreasonable about it, that calling me a * is totally not offensive... I didn't give in and so he had to adjust his behavior. A lot has changed since then and he did get better about a lot of things, but it is still always a fight if his behavior is hurtful or inconsiderate. He keeps telling me how difficult it is for him to deal with my triggers... and I feel like my mental health has been at a decline. While we have a much nicer life now, with, what would seem to be a lot less worry and stress... I recently had the worst panic attack I have ever had. I have had panic attacks before, and this time I actually thought I was having a heart attack. We had to call 911 because I started passing out. On top of that, I started having weird ticks and I am pretty sure I have developed agoraphobia. I am starting to wonder whether our marriage is actually good for either one of us. I absolutely hate the idea of not being with him... but our fights are insane. We have been trying to work on them with barely any progress. They escalate and spiral into shouting matches and slamming doors, screaming obscenities at each other.

I don't want a divorce, but I don't know if we can solve these issues...

[Candid]

Welcome to OOTS, mirneka! I'm sorry you're feeling so bad right now.

We both have similar issues as we both were emotionally and physically abused as children.

This dynamic accounts for a high proportion of intimate relationships, probably more than we'll ever know about. We find someone with the same painful background as ourselves, and to begin with the dialogue feels delicious. All of us on OOTS know how hard it is to find someone with the experience to understand what we've been through. It's like finding an oasis in the desert.

Not all these marriages are doomed. I know a couple who acknowledge the wounded child they each married, and take the greatest care of each other. They both hold doctorates and are high achievers, so it isn't fake. They've been able to heal each other but neither of them will ever take that for granted; they continue to be thoughtful and caring of themselves, each other, and the wide circle of friends they have.

Other marriages are like the relationship between two smokers. "This is what we do" -- in defiance of society condemnation and health issues. This too can jog along okay -- until one of them has a lightbulb and decides to quit. If they both quit, great. If the other one isn't ready to let it go, he or she will actively sabotage the partner's efforts. It isn't conscious, but when only one partner's heading for better health, the other one feels betrayed. Abandonment fears kick in.

Your husband is treating you with disrespect. "Just one of your triggers", "you're being ridiculous", "go * yourself" and being called a "*" are unacceptable. Threatening over and over that he's going to leave the marriage destroys trust.

I feel like my mental health has been at a decline. While we have a much nicer life now, with, what would seem to be a lot less worry and stress... I recently had the worst panic attack I have ever had.

This is the partner who's addicted to smoking. Together (or despite him) you've been able to create a much nicer life without so much worry and stress, but at this stage he's still addicted to stress. He's not accustomed to feeling comfortable, and the change threatens him.

Only you can know whether you can make this work, but it has to be you and he, not you alone. As Caroline Myss told a woman in a similar situation: "Honey, the shoes don't fit. You wanna hobble around for the rest of your life? You can't make the shoes fit. You need different shoes."

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome!

I agree with everything Candid has said.

May you find comfort and strength here. Thanks for joining and posting!