Things are so far over my head *TW*

[cheyenneleowriter]

Hi. I'm Cheyenne, and I'm new here. I have CPTSD, and it's an official diagnosis and all. I'm on two types of antidepressants to help me control myself, and they do help significantly. They especially help with the physical symptoms of panic that I have without treatment. I've been in the hospital several times, in extreme pain, convulsing, or else wise very sure that something was very wrong with my heart.  But, I also lose time, do not feel emotions- except sometimes now, in flashes, I feel happy- I think? I do not know if the things I think are really what I think or if I am still just following the rules. I have attempted to kill myself many times before and would still like to, but I am needed by my family as the primary breadwinner and therefore, will not kill myself right now.

as with many people here, I was abused as a child. it began when I was about 3 and carried on until I was 10. I was sexually abused and physically abused when I did not follow the rules. The rules were extensive and included what I was allowed to wear, who I was allowed to talk to, what I was allowed to look like as far as hair, etc. what I was allowed to eat, whether or not I would be allowed to go on field trips at school. I would often be made to stand in the middle of a room for long periods of time whilst being lectured on the rules and made to recite them back. I was abused by a close, close friend of my parents who even lived with us for a while. He threatened to kill them as well as my siblings. I was also forced under threat of the death of my little brother to kill several small animals, including my own cat. I was punished by the death of my beloved parrot, and three times by him beating my mother and once chasing her down with an axe in front of me. Thankfully, the police were called. 

I have flashbacks, I have nightmares. I cannot get away from things asleep or awake. Even when I think I have control, there's this other voice in my head that's always freaking out or being negative and everything is just so exhausting. If this is all my life is going to be then I don't want to be alive anymore. I cannot see a light at the end of this tunnel, however hard I try. Even when I harness my powers of positivity and try to imagine a good future, I am unable to get myself going to work on my future. I earned 1500 dollars last year. the whole year. I feel as useless now as I was powerless before.

This is not a suicide note, I just wanted to be able to "talk" somewhere where people understand what I mean. I thought it would help and be cathartic somehow but in actuality, now that I'm about to hit post, I still feel nothing. I don't know what to do and I don't even really know why I'm bothering to post this. Ultimately, I just want to be left alone. To sleep, or just stare at the wall, or the ceiling, or just to watch clouds without having to think or talk or explain anything.

I guess you could call this a stream of conciousness post. I just suddenly had something to say.

Thank you for reading.

[Lingurine]

Cheyenneleowriter, reading you post makes me sad, but I know what you mean by wanting to be left alone and seeing no future for yourself, I just wanted to say you are not alone in this. It to me sounds like severe pain and hurt and I hope you hang in there. Just wanted to say Hi and welcome.

Take care,

Lingurine

[Three Roses]

I have flashbacks, I have nightmares. I cannot get away from things asleep or awake. Even when I think I have control, there's this other voice in my head that's always freaking out or being negative and everything is just so exhausting. If this is all my life is going to be then I don't want to be alive anymore. I cannot see a light at the end of this tunnel, however hard I try. Even when I harness my powers of positivity and try to imagine a good future, I am unable to get myself going to work on my future. 

This is exactly where I was up to recently! You're not alone.

The reality is that we cannot change our feelings just by thinking positive, or focusing on gratitude, or by any of the other "helpful" approaches so often suggested to us.

We went thru unimaginable terror and violence and are now standing in the present, wondering what to do to get on with our lives. Since coming to this forum I've learned about CPTSD and how to combat the more troublesome symptoms. Learned that there are names for them and that people here have them, too, and won't tell me anything like "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" or any other such rubbish.

I do feel better, but I'm not close to being fully healed or recovered and don't know if that's even possible. But, I do know that I am healed and recovered more now than I ever have been.

Take heart, you've found a place to talk about your history and your feelings without judgements.