Living with FOO (Triggers: Suicide, Bullying, Dissociation, etc.) (long...)

[Dragiow9927]

(Sorry, it's my first post so I'm going to get off on a bit of a rant)  It's the day after Father's Day.  I am in a daily struggle of avoiding all contact I can with my FOO.  I wish I could move out, leave the company of people who have, and continue, to emotionally abuse me.  The only person in my FOO who is in my FOC is my older brother.  The other three people (my M, F, and little brother) have all caused me to much emotional damage.

One of the main reasons I admit to is emotional abuse I received from a teacher at my middle school and the lack of validation from my FOO.    After that experience I had a long period of extreme emotional numbness followed by extreme rage and blaming my M.  I then decided I only blamed her because of my inability to get out of the situation, and blamed myself.  Then I realized how many people were to blame for how damaged I have become.  I can't bear to blame myself, because I am still at an age which requires other to be in charge of my well-being.  But everyone supposed to watch over me were planning my downfall.

Now, just getting into the worst of insomnia, hallucinations, phobias, anxiety, etc. that I have experienced since symptoms have presented, my little brother has taken it upon himself to continue my suffering.  Yet my M still insists on giving me a lecture on not 'bullying' him.

The earliest incident which caused me emotional damage is the memory of me proudly bringing a drawing to my mother when I was 3 and getting no validation.  Then by trying to get in their bed to sleep, but my F forcing me back down to the floor, my little brother contently under the covers...many more.

Many times my mother has expressed how my coping is 'unhealthy'.  I often have conversations with myself, dissociate, and hallucinate a 'guardian angel' to cope.  I developed haphephobia (fear of being touched) and the other day my M said "I finally understand that feeling of brushing something off and still feeling like it's still on your skin".  She was putting having a spider on the arm and having haphephobia on the same level.  She got chills and that horrible feeling for a few seconds after...I experience that feeling plus a panic attack daily.

My F often yells...and gets very scary.  I have been avoiding him as much as possible.  I can't be withing two feet of him without having a panic attack.  When he sees me moving away from him he gives me this look of ...I don't know.  It feels like he is going to attack me when he looks at me like that.  I think he expects me to forgive and love him unconditionally because we are blood related.  He was adopted, it's like he expects me to be unconditionally loving because he didn't leave before I was born.

My M texts me during the day because she is 'concerned' because I never left my room the other day.  It seems like she is also expecting me to unconditionally love and forgive her because she waited until she was responsible before having a child (her mother had her at 20).  I was terrified of being hurt because of her callous nature as a child so I put up with being extremely uncomfortable.  I wore shirts that would dig into my skin, pants that made me super uncomfortable...chose things solely because I was terrified that if I didn't pick what she wanted me to pick she would yell at me.

Let's go back to the little brother making more reasons for me to be terrified.  It used to be his goal to show he was the baby.  He made sure he had all the attention.  Every time I tried to do something or interact with animals, M, D, he made sure he was in charge.  He would run into their arms or yell at me that I was harming them.  He would constantly pick at every aspect of my physical and emotional self and tear any shape I had of myself to shreads.

That's what I remember.  The main reasons I have c-ptsd is because of my FOO and a teacher I had in middle school.  I can remember things with my FOO, but a lot of what that teacher made me experience was lost.  I do not remember anything about that year except small incidents involving him.  I mainly remember that feeling of having my self slowly dwindle into nothing, being constantly told I was worthless and being hollowed out for the sole purpose of public humiliation.  One time he even went to the trouble of find me the one time I mustered up the courage to escape.  He 'taught' choir and there was a huge end of year art performance.  I was also in the highest level of band.  One day it was announced I was supposed to go to choir, but I could get away with going to band.  He noticed his 'toy' wasn't there and found me in a room getting my flute ready.  The band teacher told me I had to go to choir...I don't know why he didn't help me.  I was crying.  My freedom was snipped.

My M would pick me up after classes...I told her about this.  Instead of seeing my empty soul and getting me out, she drove home, never touching the subject.  The only response I would get from telling her what happened to me by his hand was, "It's unhealthy" (in response to me telling my coping method).  The only time she took action to help was when I told her that if I had to go back I would kill myself...even then nothing happened.  In the end I was saved from three days of torment at the expense of whoever I was before I met him.

...that was all over the place.  Sorry.  I have to live with my FOO...I am constantly being restricted by my age.  I can't escape...not yet.

[sanmagic7]

some day will come when you will be able to leave.  in the meantime, take as good care of yourself as possible.  i hope you can also counteract those negative messages with new, healthy ones that are the true you - courageous, creative, intelligent, determined, bright, strong, and knowledgeable, among other quality traits you possess. 

thank you for posting.  we're very glad you made it here.  i hope you are able to find the support and kindness here that you deserve.  welcome!

[tea-the-artist]

you're really brave to be able to post about your past and current living situation, and I understand how hard that is to deal with! I can also understand feeling like your coping mechanisms are "unhealthy," dealing with maladapdtive daydreaming myself. but I wholeheartedly agree with sanmagic7, we're rooting for you here and I hope this forum can be a safe place for you to come and feel validated and understood!