Ended Histrionic Friendship *Possible Triggers*

[Fictionalizer]

I ended a relationship, my only friendship in the last 12 years, because she had Histrionic PD, Borderline PD, and bipolar disorder. I failed to see that the relationship was based on her lies and needing to be the center of my attention from the very beginning. It took a while before she shared about her diagnoses. In addition she was stealing from stores and telling me about it. That confused and angered me especially when she did those things while talking on her cellphone with me.

Part of the dynamics of our relationship was sharing with each other about our childhood abuse. As time went on though she told me she could no longer listen to my abuse. I could definitely understand that. I shared about my father's criminal acts and what I discovered about him. I think the most annoying thing about the sharing was her trying to get me to prove what happened to me. I never once asked her to prove anything that happened to her. So I stopped telling her about my childhood. I only talked about present day situations. However, she then stepped up her sharing about her own childhood abuse. We'd often have conversations where she shared non-stop for three-quarters of the time. I confronted her about that and told her that wasn't fair and I didn't agree with it. That didn't go well because as someone with Histrionic PD she needed to be the center of my attention.

One time she ripped me off for a design job I did for her. She never paid me for it even though I asked for the money. She was super stingy with her money.

The last straw for me was when my dog was dying of osteosarcoma. She called me up one day and told me the reason she hadn't been calling me: She didn't want to hear about his death. After that conversation which was mostly about her woes and worries, I decided it was time to end the relationship. She had again defined the parameters for sharing and they only included what she was wanting to hear and to talk about her troubles, her physical ailments, and past abuse.

I thought of writing to her (snail mail) about why I cut off the relationship. What do you think? Let it lie as is or send a letter?

[Blueberry]

Congratulations! You've been making realisations about this friendship, you've tried explaining, you've tried setting limits, and now you've decided for you. Sounds like a huge step to me. 

I'm really sorry that she was so uncaring about you when your dog was dying. And also really sorry that your dog died. At times when I had next to no friends or just couldn't connect with people much, my pets were so incredibly important to me. 

As to your question: it depends maybe on the reason for sending the letter. Are you hoping she'll change? Or apologise? You don't have to justify your actions to her. You've ended the relationship. If you write to her, it might end up in a never-ending discussion. If you want to write the anger and pain out of your system, then you could write a letter on here under Letters of Recovery. 

[Fictionalizer]

Thank you Blueberry! And thank you for the hugs.

I don't expect to get anything from her because I don't think she cares. Besides I don't really want to continue with her charades about the relationship.

Yes, Bailey was my best friend for the last almost nine years. He was also a therapy dog though not registered. Bailey knew exactly what to do to calm me when anger started to roil up within me. He'd come behind me in the kitchen and press his body against my legs. Bailey was a big boy, 32 inches at the shoulders, so him leaning into me like that felt sooooo goood. I miss my big boy. He had a big heart too. Loved everybody he met and they loved him and on him. So much for dogs not wanting and liking to be hugged; Bailey loved hugs of all kinds especially those who got down on the floor with him.

[Three Roses]

Bailey sounds wonderful! My condolences on your loss. 

Blueberry is right, you don't have to justify your decision to her.

We write a lot of letters around here, ones we never plan to send. Why not write one out as a test, and think about it for a few days? Maybe it won't help her but will make you feel better.

[strugglin]

Good for you! Life is too short to put up with one-sided or annoying "friendships".