Why I am doing this?

[sigiriuk]

Hi
Just get fed up of having to work so hard on this stuff.

Part of me wants to stop, and say " Ah, * It".

I have such malignant self hatred, that I throw my hands in the air, becuase I cannot deal with it anymore.

Of course the hatred and revenge comes originally from my "care-givers", but I feel frightened cos it is so intense.

And I feel like a chump, becuase I believed they loved me.

Darn it, I am so lifeless.

Slim X

[Dee]

You are still doing it because you have some reason to.  For me it is my kids.  I didn't think it was possible until I was sitting in front of two empty chairs.  One being the manager chair, the other the victim.  I was talking to each chair and then realized for the first time there was hope.  Someday, I hope you find he aha moment like I did.  Knowing it is out there is a reason to keep on keeping on.

[sigiriuk]

You are still doing it because you have some reason to..

Thank you Dee. That was a lovely message. It is full of hope, and cheered me up.

I shall try the empty chair technique today.

Peace and Love   
Slim X

[alliematt]

It's so easy to want to throw up our hands, isn't it?  I, too, often feel like that.

Dee is right, you are doing it because you have some reason to.

[sigiriuk]

Hi Alliematt
Thanks for the reply.
I maybe able to figure out the reason at some point.
By the way, i love that Doctor Who quote.
Slim 

[12Nice]

Gosh Slim another thread that I could have written today!!!

I too am fed up I finally found the courage to say enough and got away but found myself perpetually with the same personalities as the parents and brother.
I was in denial for far too long at least the anger energizes me to take necessary steps to safety but I am in limbo until new housing presents itself.

I don't know if I have the gumption to keep looking for inspiration of hope...  All the hope dashed into a million little pieces over and over again so exhausting.

Its so very hard to feel like I am not a waste of flesh after all I been through.  It seems like being treated so badly has been part of my life for so long how could there possibly be enough time in this life to reverse the damage.  After all I am about to turn 50 in a few months so can an old dog really learn new tricks?

Thanks
12Nice

[sigiriuk]

Yes, we are humans!! We continue to learn, and our brains remain able to rewire.

[Candid]

I hear you, Slim. Self-hatred and self-contempt make a decent life impossible. 

[clarity]

Hi Slim
When a child I could not be angry with parents because I needed them to survive. Instinct ensured I found a way to misdirect the anger onto myself. Ironic as I may have had a better time if adopted! 

Now at my half century I am still learning that it is now time to allow all of that misdirected energy to go where it was meant to... its hard hard hard but it is the only way to discover the original true self who does not hate herself.... my script...

I am rightfully angry with you.
How dare you.
Leave me the * alone!
Your ignorance astounds me.
Your behaviour disgusts me.

I look at photos of myself when young to find my compassion as I see the suffering all over my face.  Then I wade in as the adult to protect her. She hates herself but I do not hate her...I am a loving being making new choices about where I place my loving attention. And the one who needs it most is her/me/us!

It can can can be done..   

[Candid]

That's a lovely post, clarity! 

[crohnie]

I was raised to think that a "chump" was the worst thing I could be.  So of course I feel like one often, and then I shame myself for it. 

I came to the forum today because I am in a dark flashback and was hoping to find something useful.  Your post helped me, because it's my truth.

For what it's worth, thank you.  I really hope you are doing better.  PEACE.