Generation gap- still cause CPTSD?

[Maceo]

I know I'm new, and feel presumptuous for posting yet again, but there's something that has really bothered me since I've recently starting considering some of the issues that have come up in childhood. In short, my father's father was a short tempered alcoholic, and his mother, while I am in no position to diagnose, seemed to me, growing up, to have some serious bouts of depression, general anxiety, and I've witnessed more than a few interactions which I can now recognize as passive aggressive (and would often start some very tense fights between my paternal grandparents.)

I say this because, I don't consider my father an alcoholic, nor my mother to have any mental health issues (though she does often apologize for things that are not her fault.) She is incredibly kind and caring, and I know my father has always loved me to the best of his ability. He had (has) a temper, but never hit any of us. There are things I've begun discussing in therapy that I can say are "messed up" (i.e. double standards, pointing my "failings" out in comparisons with siblings, never feeling "good enough" to receive his approval) but I still hesitate to consider any of it "abuse."

I recognized at a young age that my father treated my mother as if she were also his daughter (she was not "allowed" to do many things) but I know this was out of his own fear for her and anxiety that he would not be there to protect her. Likewise, I was very (very) sheltered. I share all this because, while I could easily see this being a site possibly being appropriate for my father (most definitely for his younger sister) I feel as though there is something wrong with me for having reacted to my experiences as I have. I've found myself relating to many of the symptoms of CPTSD, but not feeling as though I've been "wronged" in such a fashion to justify my response. (I'm sorry if I'm not being clear, but I'm not sure how else to word it.) In short, I feel as if I'm a generation removed from the actual abuse, and the subtle (though very consistent) criticisms I've received, well, I guess I feel like a whiny wimp for being so affected by it.

Does anyone know if there's been an research about the grandchildren of abusive parents? If the effects of that dysfunction could carry beyond a generation, even if the adult child (my father in this case) seems to have broken free or overcome some of those struggles? Do I even belong on this site?

[mourningdove]

Hi Maceo,

First of all, there is nothing presumptuous about your posting again. I hope you will feel welcome to post as much as you need to. 

Secondly,

I've found myself relating to many of the symptoms of CPTSD, but not feeling as though I've been "wronged" in such a fashion to justify my response. (I'm sorry if I'm not being clear, but I'm not sure how else to word it.) In short, I feel as if I'm a generation removed from the actual abuse, and the subtle (though very consistent) criticisms I've received, well, I guess I feel like a whiny wimp for being so affected by it.

this kind of self-criticism and doubt about "really" having C-PTSD is super common in people with... [drum roll] C-PTSD. I have been there myself and seen it over and over in others. You are not whiny or weak for having been affected the way you were. Each of us has our own level of tolerance for adversity and individual threshold for overwhelm.

I don't have any research handy about intergenerational trauma, but I do know that it is definitely a very real thing.

Do I even belong on this site?

Something inside lead you here, so I would think the answer to that is yes.

[Maceo]

Hi Mouringdove,

Thank you so much for you kind and thoughtful reply. One of my first thoughts this morning was "I need to remove my post" because I was so embarrassed. After reading your response, that embarrassment has subsided. Thank you.

While I accept that I may be struggling with the self-criticism/doubt for some time, knowing that it is common among those with CPTSD is, as twisted as it may sound, reassuring (as in maybe I do belong here. And there's also a comfort in knowing I'm not the only one, like it's not just another character defect.) And even though I feel as it has manifested itself very differently in my family than in my father's, it's a relief to know that intergenerational trauma is real. I think I was asking about research mostly because it would be "hard proof" that I could analyze and review and use to support the idea that I am not "broken" or "crazy."  So again, thanks. While reading/researching this is something I could easily delve into, your reply was very helpful in pushing some of that "need to know/justify myself" aside. 

[sanmagic7]

hi, maceo, and welcome,

i think i grew up in a similar situation.  all my grandparents drank to excess, there was quite a bit of physical abuse toward my parents.  in turn, my dad was adamant about not having alcohol in our house growing up, there were no fights between my parents, not a lot of overt abuse in my childhood.

having said that, the subtleties that my parents carried forward from their own upbringings, as much as they broke some of the overt forms of abuse, did plenty of damage to me.  they may not have known better, may have tried their best, but the fact is that i suffered greatly emotionally while in my parents' home.

no, you're not crazy, nothing wrong with you, but if you felt the need to try this forum out (like mourningdove mentioned), you belong.  my dad also didn't 'allow' my mom to work outside the home, for whatever reason.  his word was law, and my mom always took a backseat.  neither of them had experience dealing with emotions, and i paid a heavy price for being emotionally invalidated.

i'm glad you're here.  i hope that you find more info that will assuage your longing for anything concrete about that generational gap.  i don't have articles - just experience.  i'm glad you didn't delete your posting.  hope to hear more from you. 

[Maceo]

Thank you Sanmagic7. Everything you've shared really resonates with me. I am sincerely sorry you've had to carry these burdens with you, and I am sincerely grateful that you've shared with me. All the feedback I've received thus far has been so grounding, and validating, and reassuring. This is such a wonderful community. Thank you.

[Rain12]

Hi Maceo,

Wow, it's like you're describing my experience. I constantly doubt my own experience as being "valid" of my response to it. I disbelieve myself constantly.

I was lucky enough to be diagnosed with C-PTSD (DSNOS) by a psychologist and I still doubt it ALL THE TIME.

Like you, my parents were abused. My mother was physically neglected and her father was an alcoholic. My father's mother (my grandmother) was an alcoholic as well and she was abused by her father.

It's hard because my parents didn't have any ill will towards me. They loved me. But they still didn't do what I needed them to do. I was emotionally invalidated. My mother put my fathers' feelings above my needs, to the point where he could overrule my physical boundaries and I wouldn't be allowed to question it for fear of "hurting his feelings." I was very lonely because I couldn't rely on either of them to be there for me in times of trouble. I had to put on a mask of being ok. For most of my life I believed this mask and was so disconnected from the feelings underneath it I didn't even know what they were. I couldn't identify emotions because I wasn't used to feeling them. I believed I was weak for needing other people, because my mother was so self-reliant due to her childhood neglect she'd say things that would make me feel guilty for needing her.

Because of this I always doubt that my reactions are valid. I question myself constantly. I don't believe myself even though I have a piece of paper stating what my diagnosis is. It's because it would be against all my conditioning to say "I wasn't ok". It risks being utterly alone without my mom's support.

My psychologist calls it emotional neglect and abuse. According to her, people who were neglected, emotionally and otherwise, often feel invalid like this because there's no overt memory of abuse to look back on. It's actually a lack of something, not a something, that caused it. It's a lack of something. Because of this it feels really hard to pin down.

There's research that neglect can even be harder to overcome than more overt forms of abuse because of this denial/invisibility factor.

Look up emotional neglect. This article is one I like because it explains how easy it is to discount emotional neglect. http://www.pete-walker.com/pdf/emotionalNeglectComplexPTSD.pdf