Perfectionism is destroying me

[LittleBirdy]

Can anyone else relate to always feeling like you have to be perfect all the time? I've noticed lately that even though I am out of my toxic environment, I still tend to take on far more responsibility than I can handle. Part of me thinks it's because growing up I was functioning while being incredibly stressed all the time and it's all I've ever known. Also, I and I'm sure everyone like me would be brutally punished for making a simple mistake of a typical child. I would try to be as perfect as possible to avoid it but in time I learned that I could never be perfect enough for my FOO. I don't want to be like this, I'm so stressed and it's not healthy at all. I just don't know what to do. I'm in therapy but I feel like I need so much more help than I'm getting and it's frustrating. Sorry if that was all over the place.

[woodsgnome]

That's all familiar, the drive to always be perfect. Then when it doesn't change anything, we repeat, adding to the absurdity once more, then repeating again to further ensure it won't happen again; except by then the process takes on a life of its own, and once more we think we've lost out.

I sometimes call it the 'someday' syndrome, as in some day I'll get it right. Nice trick of the inner critic, undoubtedly. Okay--I know that, why can't I fix it? When I seek for answers, only one--fear--makes any sense. Embedded fear.

So a change of language helped some. Everytime the imagined need for perfection comes up, I'd try replacing it with the thought of 'do the best I can' but if it doesn't turn out perfect, be satisfied that I tried. But it starts with awareness of the futility of perfectionism. Trouble is, it seems to take lots of experimenting this way to undo the years of abuse surrounding why one believes they have to be 100% perfect 100% of the time.

Trying one's best is a self-observation, and we can't rely on others to notice this. Abusers, for instance, are addicted to their power at insisting that we do everything to their satisfaction or not at all. So the last part of changing over is perseverance, a realization that perfectionism was an illusion we don't need anymore.

A couple times I recall something happening that wasn't on my perfect expectations list. And surprise!--it turned out better just knowing I'd done my best than worrying if everything was perfect. I hope this can happen for you.

[Boy22]

As woodsgnome says it is about learning to work on your inner critic. I thought I was doing quite well but at a recent review I was told I am still too harsh on myself.

I liked Pete Walkers "good enough" suggestion in his book, but I struggle to use it with an real meaning.