Can we all share ways to help our own specific Walker’s 4Fs response?

[DecimalRocket]

Whether you're fight, fawn, freeze or flight, I ask of you to share what worked out for you. Not everything will work for everyone — since everyone's different but I hope there'll be at least one thing that can work out for you — the reader — whoever you are. 

I'll start. I've spent most of my trauma and after in freeze mode and flight mode so I'll comment on that.

With freeze mode, other than the obvious thing of talking to someone or some people more — even online, what helped me to see the benefit of friendships and community was finding stories about people who benefited from it — whether real or fictional. I gave up on the idea of closeness or love, but finding stories like that inspired me to connect with people more.

Another was reading about the scientific benefits online — not as much as a romantic fantasy, but considering how logical minded I tended to be, this helped. I didn't really care about others before and only made the effort to be warmer and to talk to people more because I wanted those benefits — even if it had a selfish motive in the start, it turned into something more genuine and deep.

With flight mode, it helped to find people who did care about me. I was on flight mode with workaholism because I believed I wasn't worth something. The more others affirmed I was worth something when I showed them who I was inside — the less I worked too hard.

Pete Walker pointed out in one of his books is that flight response people benefit from meditation which I've tried too, but aside from that, I also found benefits from other Eastern teachings. I noticed Western self help emphasized hard work, positive thinking and all that, but Eastern life advice often encouraged reflection, a gentleness in taking action and an acceptance rather than a rushing towards life.

Even without believing the supernatural beliefs such as reincarnation or karma, there are many teachings that could apply to people from every walk of life. Philosophies such as Buddhism or Taoism. You find teachers like this from googling "Enlightened masters" rather than life coaches. In the same extent, Stoicism (which is a Western philosophy) also encouraged similiar beliefs.

I hope that's not too weird, but oh well.

Was there anything that helped you?

[ah]

This is an excellent topic 

I'm not sure though that I fit into one of the 4 F's that Pete Walker mentions because I keep going from one to the other. I have a bit of fawn (but less and less these days, nearly none). Fight when I'm very triggered / in too much pain. And I freeze a lot with people, and also flight is very strong.

So in my experience I have all 4. Some are stronger than others but all are present to some extent. Different situations bring out a different response. For example, if I see someone else being hurt I'll most likely fight, not freeze/fawn/flight. Seeing someone else in pain or some injustice makes me braver than if it's just my own pain, I guess.

I find meditation helpful too. Mindfulness meditation, and love and compassion meditations.
It feels like they literally "re-connect" my brain. I feel different afterwards, but it's always hard to begin because I dissociate a lot so sitting down and being mindful and present can be painful at first. So it requires courage. Sometimes I can do it, other days it's too much. But I try to be consistent.

I've tried meds and meditation seems to be the best medicine in my case.

Reading and self educating about trauma and the brain is really crucial too. Understanding that this isn't some psychological hiccup that I can't shake off but a physiological change in my brain that I need to learn to work with, whether I like it or not, whether others are kind and understanding about it or not.

Buddhism and stoicism are personal favorites of mine too. Their ethics and values.
All of which maybe reminds me to try to go against my ICr.

Letting myself have emotions is another big help. Literally just that, recognizing what I'm feeling by naming it as accurately as I can and then just giving myself permission to feel my feelings, without guilt or terror or self hatred. Whether they're enjoyable or unenjoyable. This is hard but I try to improve at it.

Can't think of much else right now. I hope other people will have more to offer...

[BlancaLap]

I think I'm a fawn type, but I'm not sure. What helped me is to think that the is no "right answer" or "right response" to other people's behaviour. Like, it is right according to whom? It will never be right according to everybody. It is like a search without response... without something you can really reach. It also helps me to think: what's the worst thing they can do if I don't behave like they want me to? And to think that things like no responding isn't really that bad, I mean, if someone wants to talk to you but you don't, why would you? You are not making any harm, and if the person is worth it, s/he will understand instead of automatically suppose you are mad or something. It also helps me to ask myself: "why would I do that?" To please people or because I really want to? And if the answer is to please, I don't do it.

[pit_bull]

For me owning that I fight was a big step in the right direction. Claiming my narcissistic tendencies and not being ashamed of them helped. I know I worked on them .

My secret defense mechanism is fawn, I monitor that one. Its attached to my inner child and its a survival mechanism but it doesn't suit me well as an adult. Its rather shameful.

[woodsgnome]

I knew I was a freeze from my first reading of Walker's descriptions. I also noted his comment that freezers are perhaps the hardest to work with, as they can become, if not glowingly happy about it, at least very accepting of staying in freeze mode once they find it's a cozy place to hide in and avoid people, who they learned (I sure did!) not to trust.

So while it almost deliberately seeks loneliness, the fear of the unknown can keep freezers stuck. Ugh--what to do? It's easiest to fall into the trap of self-criticism. Been there, done that; but keep returning, too. In that sense, the freeze definition is apropos.

Dealing with it? Staying aware is one possibility. My T tells me I've radically improved at identifying dissociation, for instance. But, as she always adds, it's perfectly natural for someone in trauma recovery to dissociate. So I can toss out the self-blame and continue accepting;  without having to regard acceptance as some doomed fate. Instead I can regard it as a phenomenon that I may or may not fully overcome or discharged...but recognizing its existence is half that battle.

To accent my freeze tendencies, I literally moved as far as I could, found a place to 'freeze' more in place. I first thought this was flight but more a combo flight/freeze with the latter more pronounced. I've gone through periods of wanting to change--be more social, for instance. However, if knowing oneself is one of my personal goals, I understand that I fell into freeze mode as part of a natural response to trauma. It's a balance, but realizing my boundaries seems important to keep me from sliding into depression and self-recrimination.

Starting with acceptance, and not resignation as is often discussed on this forum, I can start fresh than if I continually fight or desperately and overnight create a change which could be  even more problematic than I bargained for. Living alone and away from things is a wonderful way to live one's meditation, and I seem to need lots of that. Instead of poor-me I ran and hid it's what can I/can't do with what happened back there.

I've recently re-contacted some old acquaintances and am surprised/shocked with the regard they show me; even though I literally ran from them, too; as I didn't trust anyone and mostly regarded myself as not worth knowing. They beg to differ--that's meant a lot. Another aspect of this reaching out is exposing more of what's behind the curtain, as in not hiding the reason(s) for my reticent and solitary way of life. Doing so I run the risk of the smug 'why-don't-you-just-get-over-it' attitudes and/or superior airs on their part, but I can roll with that (not easily, I hasten to add).

For me, yes I went into major freeze mode long ago. Yes, it has negatives, but there are also positives (mindfulness, alertness, peacefulness, etc.) that Walker points out as well. Both the positive/negative aspects can coexist, and I can shed the poor-me part and open up space in which to live with myself. I think it's called self-compassion.

[Three Roses]

My strongest 4F response over the years has unfortunately been the fight reaction. This forum has been very instrumental in me finally getting a handle on it. Knowing that I don't just have a "bad temper" or a character flaw gave me the added confidence to get the upper hand on it. I try to realize when I'm feeling triggered to just breathe and realize I'm safe (If I am). I don't need to fight to survive - I don't need to be assertive - or if i do, to be assertive instead of aggressive or attacking.

[radical]

I wish it wasn't true, but my strongest, most deeply ingrained response to feeling threatened is 'fawn'.  Another word for that is 'submit'.  In me, that response has a strong shadow.  I don't know if others have felt this in themselves, maybe it is related to the fact that I feel such shame about it, that I internally reject myself for my reflex to let myself down, to give myself up.  Whatever, I do have a strong rebellious streak, a reaction against fawning.  It has always come out in political activism and actions on behalf of others. 

Now I cultivate it when I feel drawn to letting myself down.  It's not really healthy, - healthy would be not fawning in the first place.  In order to get to that place I actively try to short-circuit fawn with 'rebel', to try and cut off the option.  It's about actively showing what I feel I'm not expected to be. Sometimes it's as simple as cutting off a fawning smile, stopping ingratiation in its tracks.  Sometimes it is identifying myself with what someone I feel threatened by doesn't like.  It is odd to feel the need to undercut being too good at something, by being deliberately bad at it.  Now, I often feel the need to attract disapproval when the need is strong, in order to undermine my craving for approval. 

My other main response to threat, which kicks-in involuntarily, at higher levels of interpersonal threat is 'freeze'.  This is still something that in the moment, I can't control.  I am in the process of changing the structure of my life to prevent myself from managing my feelings by isolation, living in my head, withdrawal etc.

[Erebor]

I knew I was a freeze from my first reading of Walker's descriptions. I also noted his comment that freezers are perhaps the hardest to work with, as they can become, if not glowingly happy about it, at least very accepting of staying in freeze mode once they find it's a cozy place to hide in and avoid people, who they learned (I sure did!) not to trust.

So while it almost deliberately seeks loneliness, the fear of the unknown can keep freezers stuck. Ugh--what to do? It's easiest to fall into the trap of self-criticism. Been there, done that; but keep returning, too. In that sense, the freeze definition is apropos.

Dealing with it? Staying aware is one possibility. My T tells me I've radically improved at identifying dissociation, for instance. But, as she always adds, it's perfectly natural for someone in trauma recovery to dissociate. So I can toss out the self-blame and continue accepting;  without having to regard acceptance as some doomed fate. Instead I can regard it as a phenomenon that I may or may not fully overcome or discharged...but recognizing its existence is half that battle.

To accent my freeze tendencies, I literally moved as far as I could, found a place to 'freeze' more in place. I first thought this was flight but more a combo flight/freeze with the latter more pronounced. I've gone through periods of wanting to change--be more social, for instance. However, if knowing oneself is one of my personal goals, I understand that I fell into freeze mode as part of a natural response to trauma. It's a balance, but realizing my boundaries seems important to keep me from sliding into depression and self-recrimination.

    Ahh I relate to a lot of what you've said, woodsgnome. I'm mostly freeze. I self-isolate, distrust almost everyone, am very hyper-vigilant, and am frequently drawn to the idea of finding a job that would let me spend all my time by myself up a mountain somewhere or deep in the woods - maybe even deep in the woods up a mountain on a different continent.

I had to fight my way out of staying frozen away from everyone. FOO loved to make me think there was something inherently wrong/different/abnormal/weird about me, that I would never fit in or be accepted by anyone. As an adult, taking a deep breath and deciding that no, I am not an abnormal human being, I have a lot in common with other people even if they're not traumatized, and most people don't automatically hate me, and then walking out the door and finding a relatively low-commitment adult learner art course to just begin to get myself used to being around others was a big deal. It wasn't perfect and I left before the course ended b/c my lack of boundaries made me open up when it wasn't safe to and I was left with awful shame/fear, but it was a start. It got the social recovery ball rolling.

I've now moved from being very focused on trying to 'make friends' as a salvation fantasy/quick-fix, to questioning what society says about friendship - what it looks like, what it means, the reasons why people become 'friends' e.g.. trying to fulfill unmet needs, etc. I  don't feel anything about other people recently, and being a freeze I am mostly content to be a little island... Just staying afloat takes so much effort atm (new situation with an N ), don't have the energy or mental capacity to be very social. Reading the blog of the writer Kris Gage has been educational and challenging, she writes a lot about relationships in ways that I haven't come across before. She uses quite a bit of colourful language so I'm hesitant to link to it, but it's a very educational read for someone from a dysfunctional background even if I don't agree with her on everything.

Sorry I can't write anything more helpful today, not an easy day.    to anyone who needs one.

[pit_bull]

Good post. My primary defense mechanism is fight mode and for me I do stuff like yoga, supplements, medication, prayer, once in a while meditation, diet.