What would you ask for?

[tea-the-artist]

In the last few weeks I've been airing out my frustrations with my M regarding how everyone treats me at home (but currently and throughout childhood) as well as wanting to move out into my friends' place. I've dropped my Star Child+Always Happy/Funny role and haven't been speaking to her much outside of that. But yesterday she told me "it seems like i've lost a connection with my daughter." when we left work i could swear i saw her face looking really pained.

I don't want to make this too long, but I love her dearly and personally, the theme of hurt/sad M's really gets to me not from guilt but more so being the M to my bro, and kind of relating to that pain of losing a child even though i'm not a parent.

I can't figure what it is I want from her. I'm beyond tired of going back to the routine of smiles when deep down i've been incredibly hurt. I don't think my connection with her is broken or lost, just that i need her to be a better M to bro so I feel less guilty about moving out and taking care of myself.

And I don't know if I'm doing something wrong or if there should be something I should be doing regarding her. Like.. she's asked me what does she need to do to make things right, and helping to change F is out the question as he's a narc. So I guess my question is, if you still (or do) lived at home, and your enabler parent asked what they could do to help you feel better while you still had to be at home, what would you ask of them?

[writetolife]

Hi tea-the-artist,

I just got out of that situation about a month and a half ago.  I lived 26 years with an N father and a mother who loves us all deeply, but also taught us to keep quiet about the abuse in hopes that it would protect us.  As hard as it is, I don't think there is anything you can ask for.  Moving out really is the ideal.    I'm learning from my own situation, that in an abusive home, the entire system of relationships is broken.  I used to get so angry at my dad (and I still do, fyi), but I've learned that my mom taught me how to let him control me.  She taught me that if I kept my mouth shut, the abuse might not get quite as bad.  She taught me that preventing his anger was more important than anything else.  All of us allowed my dad to do what he was doing with relative impunity in hopes of protection, but I couldn't see that until I got ready to move out.   I don't mean everyone is to blame.  Your dad is absolutely responsible for his abuse, and no one else is.  But, everyone's actions allow or reinforce it.  An enabling parent's lack of actual protection, can be its own type of terrible betrayal.  Making the totally sensible decision not to set boundaries against abuse in order to prevent worse abuse, reinforces that person's power.   Short of redesigning the family system from the very beginning (this time with a healed and non-abusive f), nothing will fix the problem.   So I'm afraid that individually there's little she can do to make it better. 

Forgive me if that was hurtful.  It's just my experience.  Please don't put your hope in someone who can't fix the situation, who probably may not even see clearly the situation she's in. 

[sanmagic7]

altho i don't have the experience myself, i agree with what writetolife wrote.  the system can't be fixed by one person - each has learned to play his or her part, and it is a fundamental paradigm that won't be changed.

i couldn't change my daughter or ex-hub, altho i put 30 yrs. into that goal.  in the end, i had to walk away.  it broke my heart to do that, but it was killing me.  literally.  it was the second time i ran for my life.  my walking away, however, was what gave my other daughter the strength to also walk away from her sister. 

your brother is watching you.  younger siblings usually do.  if you do decide to walk, you might want to tell him why you're doing what you're doing, and when he gets his chance, he may then be able to walk away and save himself as well.   in the end, we can only save ourselves, but we can show healthy examples for others.  i know this is a difficult struggle for you.  a warm hug to you, tea.

[tea-the-artist]

thank you both writetolife and sanmagic7! your perspectives mean a lot right now.

But, everyone's actions allow or reinforce it.  An enabling parent's lack of actual protection, can be its own type of terrible betrayal.  Making the totally sensible decision not to set boundaries against abuse in order to prevent worse abuse, reinforces that person's power.

this is pretty much what I felt, and the latter part of it what I realized recently and why I've become determined to move out this year. it wasn't hurtful at all, honestly. I think it's a hard truth, particularly as a person whos second in command of "keeping us together" next to my mom. she said it's hard to swallow, all the things i've told her. but i guess waiting for her to  process and unlikely stand up to my dad is not something i'm willing to do.

your brother is watching you.  younger siblings usually do.  if you do decide to walk, you might want to tell him why you're doing what you're doing, and when he gets his chance, he may then be able to walk away and save himself as well.   in the end, we can only save ourselves, but we can show healthy examples for others.

he is ironically my older brother, 30 now. but our family dynamic has sort of reverse our roles and i am the one looking out for him in a way. that is one of my goals however, providing a healthy example for him. he wants me to wait so he can move first but I can't keep putting him before myhealth. im scared to leave him behind as I know things my get worse, and that's another story too, but my current recovery is self focused now.