Marriage Trouble and instability

[Alarrah]

What would you do if you couldn't trust your husband to keep his promises anymore?

It's not like he cheats on me or physically hurts me, but I can't believe a word he says. He got laid off this summer. We both agreed that he would stay home for a while to collect unemployment and do some work on the house.

Since then, not only has he failed to file for unemployment correctly, leaving me to play the game of "what will we not pay this month," but also, he continues to make promises and break them almost daily.

He says he will take care of a bill collector, then doesn't call and lets it go to collections. He says he will fix the leak under the sink, and now it still isn't replaced and we have water damage in the basement. He says he will take out the recycling and keep the house clean, but I end up doing it every time.

I can't... I'm not strong enough to be the only adult in this relationship, but no method of communication has worked. Trust me, I've tried it all. I've tried being nice, tough love, lists, everything.

I love this man more than anyone in the planet, but I'm starting to wonder if he is what I need. It feels horrible... like the world will fall out from under me without him, but what else can I do? He refuses to help me, and I can't do this alone. I need someone to care about me enough to help me. I need him to be my partner, not my child.

We don't have the money for marriage counseling, and in fact, I've had to cancel my own therapy since he didn't get the money he said he would get. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm terrified. This has been going on for years, but now... it's like he has completely stopped caring. He won't go to a doctor, and when he goes to his therapist, he just tells them everything is fine. I'm at a loss. What do I do?

[Three Roses]

I'm so sorry you're going thru this on top of everything else.

No one here can tell you what to do. I suspect you already know what you want to do and are just having a rough time with the reality.

In my situation, a year-long separation worked wonders. I had my own apartment and some cash to get me started. I'm happier and so is he, wish I'd done it sooner. I know we are in the minority tho.

Best of luck to you as you sort thru this.

[AphoticAtramentous]

I unfortunately agree with Three Roses, about the separation. I know plenty of people who had some time alone and when they got back together they seemed to love each other even more and their circumstances changed for the better. Or in some cases, the couple realised that maybe things would be better if they went their separate ways permanently. But either way, if your husband loves you, he should do what he can to keep the house maintained, the finances, relationship, etc. Should... There's no need to be a kind of doormat for people anymore. You're a strong individual. And it's okay to not be able to support everyone else. You shouldn't have to be supporting everywhere else, you're right, they're not children.

[Andyman73]

All I know is in order for me to be successful in my healing, I have to remove myself from the source of continuous and ongoing DV abuse. I will be doing that in the very near future. Divorce is the only viable option for me.

You have to decide what is best and right for you, yourself, not you as in married couple. He seems to have decided your marriage isn't enough to motivate him. And you can't do it all on your own.  Personally I think you deserve so much better. In every way.