Don't know what to do

Annegirl · January 18, 2015, 08:16:02 AM

So this is the 2nd time in two days my husband has physically abused me trying to get to my daughter to punch her in the face as he keeps threatening her. I blocked him 2 times and told her run to the room where you can lock the door. So she runs and last time he kept pushing and pulling me today I sat in front of the door and he dragged me by my leg away from the door and I still lay down and blocked it while he was pulling the door forcefully as he had a key. I am very shaken up and for two days have been racking my brains on how I can leave. The problem is 3 of the children don't want to leave. I have to go he's shouting a lot about the puppy peeing inside usually I'm onto these things but I feel in fight flight freeze mode.

keepfighting · January 18, 2015, 11:48:23 AM

Hi, Annegirl,

I'm afraid I do not have anything that might help you.

Sending you a

.

Do whatever is necessary (and possible) to keep yourself and your children safe.

kf

blergish · January 19, 2015, 03:54:42 AM

Sending you big hugs. That is an unsafe situation to be in, i'm thinking of you. Just keep doing the best you can to keep you and your daughter safe.

Kizzie · January 19, 2015, 04:24:19 AM

Anne, I'm not quite sure where you live, so here is one web site http://www.hotpeachpages.net which has an extensive international list of hotlines, shelters, refuges, crisis centers and women's organizations, searchable by country. Plus it has an index of domestic violence resources.

Please don't wait - call one of the organizations and get some help to make sure you and your children are safe.

marycontrary · January 19, 2015, 11:19:46 AM

Please be safe....keep in mind that the longer your stay, the more trauma will likely build for you and the kids. Chances are, this will escalate. This could get much worse, if nothing is done now.

schrödinger's cat · January 20, 2015, 06:58:07 AM

I'll be thinking of you, Annegirl, and of your daughter, too. Please be safe.

Annegirl · January 20, 2015, 08:38:18 AM

Thank you all for your concern and care. Your support and understanding mean so much and helped me to have back up and courage about leaving for some space that day which is what i was very close to doing.
I had a session with my T about my husband's outbursts, as its not the first or second time and she believes as I do that he is also suffering from PTSD or uCPTSD.

He never tries to isolate me etc and just needs to learn where to direct his anger. He has spoken to her once before and she offered to speak to him,and also to us as a couple if he will be willing.

We will be purchasing a punching bag and he told me next time something happens he will stay away, I was hoping he will stick to it and my T said sometimes there may be times he forgets but she will be there for me to go to.

Today my daughter's fought which is a huge trigger for him, and he stayed away, true to his word.

Rain · January 20, 2015, 11:35:43 AM

Your past and your husband's past are your present day crisis.

If that reality can be seen by both of you, and with the help of the therapist, the emotional healing can happen.

Healing from PTSD can be dangerous whether alone or as a couple. Love, understanding, slowing things down to allow for the safe release of the past traumas is critical.

There are gifts in this. All of you can recover, and your children can learn lessons from seeing this healing.

It is a group effort. A family effort, and protecting the children most of all.

Protect, patience and love.

marycontrary · January 20, 2015, 01:52:23 PM

I hope to god you are right...no trying to be negative...but unless there is a deep come to jesus moment---a deep realization of what he has done, there are good chances this will continue.

I been through this....done it....with a guy who had PTSD himself. It got to where I thought he would kill me. He refused to have the "come to jesus" moment and I got away and never contacted him again, except in divorce court.

Also, studies have shown that punching bags, pillows, throwing dishes etc., as outlets for aggression, only make the aggression worse. Basically, these are "rehearsal outlets". Rehearsing aggressive activity, even in inanimate objects, just reinforces it.

Now stuff like exercising, meditating, a creative hobby...is had been shown to help with aggression.

flookadelic · January 20, 2015, 05:53:49 PM

Annegirl - please, please be safe. Check out all your options. I honestly hope that things improve but if they don't please remove yourself and your kids from this hurt before they too end up traumatised. The longer it goes on the harder it will get for no reward whatsoever.

Annegirl · January 23, 2015, 03:11:27 AM

Thank you Mary Contrary, Bheart and Flookadelic,
I appreciate your care. Believe me our children are very happy, chilled out and secure children. They don't want to leave him.
Only my daughter does when he gets angry at her. I have stepped in 99.9% of the time something my father did to me only one time when my mother swore she would rip my face off.

I am there 24/7 and every day he plays with the children lovely games, ball games etc cricket (including daughter) goes for walks. Sometimes he especially takes the daughter he clashes with out to a cafe or out shopping as he wants to show her he doesn't have favourites.

Today he backed off twice when it could have escalated when I stepped in. So I know he's trying to stick to his side of the bargain.

My T has given me tools to be pro active, get there way before anything could escalate and be on top of things and alert. So I hope I can keep it up and I will be using this forum to aire my frustrations as you are the only ones I can talk to about this apart from my T.

Kizzie · January 23, 2015, 08:33:51 PM

Hi Anne:

Tks for letting us know how things are going. I'm glad you went to you T and got some guidance from her - interesting that your H may have PTSD or CPTSD. It may be that therapy for him or both of you together might be of benefit to him personally and to the family as a whole if he will go.

Be well and stay safe