"Something Like Memories" **Trigger Warning**

[Kat]

I've read through a number of threads having to do with memories and remembering, but I haven't read through them all, so this may have already been a topic of discussion.

I entered therapy after learning from a family therapist that my mother has Borderline Personality Disorder.  When I began individual therapy just after getting her diagnosis  (over 10 years ago), I remember being more angry at my father than my mother for some reason.  He's one of those men that is very charming.  All of my friends in school liked him and thought he was cool.  He's mild-mannered and kind.  My sisters think he's a saint.  However, he was also very distant and did nothing to protect me and my sisters from my mother's raging, etc. 

In my early twenties, I worked for a cable television company and the TV was on all of the time.  I used to fantasize that the news would come on and my dad's picture would be on the screen and the newscaster would be telling about how he was a serial killer who had finally been caught or that he'd been caught for molesting his students (he'd been a high school teacher).

I can't recall clearly when I started to honestly start to wonder if he'd molested me and my sisters.  I have no recollection of any abuse of that sort.  I remember I asked one of my sisters if she thought he may have molested us.  Her response was, "Ummm...I don't think so?"  With the question mark at the end like she wasn't sure.  Around that time, I was watching a movie with a friend.  There was a rape scene in the movie, and I burst into a fit of uncontrollable sobbing.  My friend, who had been sexually abused as a kid by her grandfather asked if I was sure I'd never been sexually abused. 

There were other little things along these lines that were telling me something may be up.

About five or six years into therapy, I began to wonder aloud about the possibility that my father molested me.  At about the same time, my mother (who I was no longer speaking to), sent a letter to me and to each of my sisters saying that she feared our father had molested us.  My mom's nuts, but she does have her lucid moments, too. 

My memory is crap, so it's hard to remember how this all came down, but my therapist finally said that she'd been suspecting that I'd been sexually abused by someone for a couple of years prior to me sort of arriving at that same idea.  I don't want to say same "decision" because I still have trouble knowing what to think.

As our work went on, I began to have what my therapist termed "something like memories."  They were images of things that could very well have happened, but some were things that I know couldn't have happened.  For instance, I got an image of being in the den at my parents' home and someone putting his hand down my pants while I squirmed to get away.  But another image that came up repeatedly, but always a bit differently, was of a surgical table covered in a white sheet with the instruments laid near and a bright lamp overhead, but it was all in my father's garage.  That certainly was never a reality.

When I read other people's stories of abuse, they all seem to remember at least a bit of the abuse even if they struggle to recall large chunks of time.  How likely would it be that I would not remember any of the abuse at all?

By the way, the way my therapist explained it to me was that these "something like memories" are things that aren't necessarily accurate accounts of exactly what happened, but that they were not "made up" as I feared they were either.  But, I don't know.  So many of the things that have come up in therapy seem to point to sexual abuse, but I just really don't know.

Thoughts?

[Three Roses]

I've recovered memories that were completely gone, but once remembered I couldn't believe how I could "forget" something like that; and examined other memories that turned out to be different than I had always thought.

Our minds are wonderful and complex. If we are presented with a situation which our young mind is incapable of categorizing, if as a youngster we experience a traumatic event in which we perceive our very survival is threatened, it is possible for the mind to suppress it and remove it from our ability to recall it.

One other thought, statistically we survivors are more likely to minimize our abuse than to make things up.

[Dee]

My first thought was, I don't know what I don't know.  I have suddenly remembered entire events.  It was as if I always remembered them, just forgot.  This is an issue right now (wish my therapist was here). I think because my dad recently passed away.  I have also pieces of others.  (TW) I seemed to know what to do, without being taught.  There is also a feeling.... the kind that makes me want to get sick.  My therapist says I compartmentalized.

I think it is possible to not remember at all.

Memories are such a difficult and often tormenting subject.  It is so hard to understand what is going on and so confusing.  At least it is for me.  I'm starting to trust my gut feeling even if I really don't want to.

[Candid]

Our minds are wonderful and complex. If we are presented with a situation which our young mind is incapable of categorizing, if as a youngster we experience a traumatic event in which we perceive our very survival is threatened, it is possible for the mind to suppress it and remove it from our ability to recall it.

+ creating a less confronting scenario such as the surgical imagery in your father's garage. Human brains like to fill in the gaps, so a traumatic scene can be replaced with an unpleasant but acceptable one.

[Elphanigh]

I too have been here, and can second everything that people have said here. There are things I have remembered that I didn't previously have any pieces of. There are also things I had small pieces of that have come clearer and have now gotten recognized for what they were.

Kat, it is really unnerving but remember to listen to that gut feeling. It has always helped me to listen to my gut feeling and not judge it. I think other people here would probably have that experience as well

[Kat]

Thank you all so much for your responses.  I'm getting a bit teary from having read them.  I'm really sad for my inner child who had to go through whatever it was that happened.  I'm teary because I feel like you've all sort of affirmed my experience and my suspicions. I'm teary because I'm so moved by your kindness and the fact that you all "get it" and take the time to share what you know.  And, I'm teary because I think about what you all have gone through, too, to get here.  I'm so sorry for what you've suffered. I'm so thankful for that part in all of us that wasn't and cannot be destroyed by the evil others have done to us.

[Elphanigh]

Kat, those tears can be so healing sometimes. I am right there with you to offer warm, safe hugs if you want them  We have all felt the tears come and go as we realize what has happened in our lives. I personally have cried so much just this week, because of where I am in my journey. I am sorry for the hurt your inner child endured, and I am so glad you are working on healing her. It helps me to do things like color or watch a good Disney movie to help stabilize my inner child, and make her feel better. It might be good to find something that works for you as you try to figure out what all this means 

[sanmagic7]

hey, kat,

along the lines of what the others mentioned, a lot of times when something horrific happens to us as a child, we only have childlike impressions in our brains because we don't yet have adult logic or perceptions or perspectives that might be more easily brought up in our adult minds.  we don't have the same language, experience, or understanding skills, either.  still, anything and everything that happened to us has been imprinted on our brains in the only way we could make sense of it at the time.

altho i don't believe i experienced sexual abuse, i know something mighty abusive must have happened to me before i was 2, and i have no memories of it at all.  still, i didn't lose the ability to recognize my emotions/feelings from thin air.  my heart is with all of you who have to endure the pain of remembering, acknowledging, and admitting to these horrors.