Confused *TW*

[Sceal]

In my last session with my T I brought up a topic I needed her to know. Because it had scared me. The week before I had a sensorical flashback, it was so surprising and powerful and it made me suicidal. It took every part of me to resist the plans and impulses that occured within me. This all happened when I was out on a hike, which I suspect was a good timing if any. My T asked me what I did when I got back inside, and I told her I locked the door and turned off the lights. When she asked why I said to protect myself.

And here is where my confusion came in. I both had such an incredible desire to end everything, yet at the same time I had the impulse to protect myself as if I actually have any value. I dont believe I have any value... but why then do I deserve to be protected?
My T said it is an healthy confusion, that it might wake me up to question certain "Truths" that Ive created to believe in such as having no value.
I am both  hopeful and scared that she is right.
Because if she is right, then maybe I have a chance afterall. But also,  then if my truths arent true... then what is the truth?

[sanmagic7]

your instincts for survival are always true.  back to babyhood - we're born with the instinct to survive, and we believe we are worth it.  that's why  we cry to let our needs (needs, as in survival needs) be known in order to get them met.   other messages come along from those who are bigger and louder than our baby voices and bury, deny, or ignore what we instinctually know about ourselves.

i think of confusion as a really positive thing, even tho it might feel weird.  i think it's a place of questioning.  we're not quite where we used to be, we're questioning what went on before, what we believed, what we were told.  this is all necessary for us to get to where we want to eventually be. 

i think it shows some growth and progress in recovery for you that you acted on the impulse to protect yourself rather than the impulse to harm yourself.   it's a wonderful thing to my mind.  good for you!  big hug to you sceal.

[Sceal]

Thank you sanmagic.
Its good to be affirmed, it is true, the confusion state is weird but also tiresome. It makes the aspect of the world more uncertain and scary.
And I hope you and my T is right that it is a positive sign. I hope it will open up to some clarity (soon!).

Its also scary as it means venturing out on foreign lands, in a scenery where everything is new and i no longer can find North.