It sneaks into everything

[Dee]

I wake up in the morning, have coffee, abuse.  I go to bed at night, start to fall asleep, abuse.  I'm taking a trip with my kids, look up, popcorn ceiling.  My daughter asks why I am staring at the ceiling, what I'm thinking about....abuse.  But, I don't tell her.  I make up an excuse, like I have done so many times before.  My son and I stopped by the Hard Rock Cafe, there was a video of a song that is a trigger...abuse.

[woodsgnome]

Happens to me all the time--it's like glue, sticky gum or, well--too many things--people, events, songs..in everything, even pleasant happenings--it's relentless, a presence that haunts and never stops, no matter what i try or do. Settling for coping just doesn't compensate, at all.

I call it the Ache, as it always hurts no matter the salve or remedy tried. It's raw, humiliating, shameful, I'm mad about it, etc. Yeah, I have no choice but acceptance, but the Ache never gives way.     

'They' say there's good to everything. To me, there is nothing that could be good about the Ache. But I have to live, and drag it with. Sorry--nothing you don't know or feel...I'm used to being sorry, too.

This reminds me of how powerful but subtle triggers can be--to the extent that it seems like life becomes one big trigger. No wonder it's easy to become hyper-vigilant.

[Blueberry]

  to both of you. I'm in the lucky position atm of not remembering what it's like to feel how you two do, with these constant reminders triggering right left and centre. In a phase like that, conversely, i won't be able to remember that I'll ever get out of it again into a phase like now. I hope that you both reach a state for a while where you are not constantly triggered out of the blue by multitudes of things.

[sanmagic7]

i'm in that phase right now as well.  it doesn't matter what i'm doing, where i am, what i'm seeing, hearing.  it's everywhere.  i'm sorry you're going thru that, but thanks for posting this.  i'm not alone with this.  that's a relief to know.  i thought i was going bananas.

i just noticed this was under 'sexual abuse'.   i didn't notice that at first, and i wasn't thinking of it when i responded above.  now that i think of it, tho, it fits with my other post about being denied.  being cheated on in one way or another, or simply being denied sex because of fear - this covers all 3 hubs - was a type of sexual abuse. 

it was about sex in absentia, others preferred over me,  (either real or on film) irrational fears that were never explored with professionals, even tho i was very ready and willing.  i was cast aside instead.  it left me confused all the time, not knowing what i did wrong, what i could do to fix it.

still,  the triggers don't seem to stop, and i can't seem to cope with them very well at all.  logically i know it was their issues.   illogically, i'm in pain over it most of the time.    i feel like i'm puking out raw sewage.

[Three Roses]

I relate to this too. I'll be skipping along, perfectly happy and then wham! Out of the blue comes a trigger and I'm in the middle of it again - that abandonment melange that Pete Walker talks about.

Big hugs to us all! It's good to know I'm not alone in this.

[Blueberry]

I'll be skipping along, perfectly happy and then wham! Out of the blue comes a trigger and I'm in the middle of it again - that abandonment melange that Pete Walker talks about.

Oh yeah, I get that too. It's just not seemingly all the time anymore.

[Dee]

I think it is just abuse in general.  I put it here, because that was the abuse that I struggle with the most.  Yet, there are all types of sexual abuse.

One of my therapy hopes is that while I know it won't ever go away, it can be less.  Maybe, I won't think about it until mid morning, not when I open my eyes.  Like Blueberry said, just not all the time....

I don't think there is good in everything.  It's a nice thought, but no.  Sometimes people try hard to find it, to believe that all things happen for a reason.  I think sometimes bad things happen.  If we can turn it into something that is great, but that doesn't take away that it should of never happened in the first place.

[sanmagic7]

i agree, dee.  i often say that things happen for a reason, that we don't always know right away what the reason is.  but, you're right, that doesn't mean the bad things should have happened in the first place.  no, never.

i do think we can learn from the bad things, tho, and by doing so we can stop them from continuing through how we parent our children, live in this world, etc.  you, and many other parents here, have been able to take the horrors in your lives and make sure that your children are protected, warned, and parented in the loving, accepting way you weren't.

breaking the cycle takes guts, determination, lots of time and hard work.   you and so many like you have been willing and able to show that for your kids on so many levels, and for that i admire, respect, and give you all kinds of credit.  too many other parents don't take the time to look at what's been done to them so as not to continue the cycle with their own children.

some of us, unhappily, didn't know until too late in our family's lives.  i've damaged my own daughters both by what i did and didn't do.  still, when i began understanding, i began changing, both for myself and them.  that's all i can ask of myself.   even then it wasn't enough for both.

that's what i'd like as well.  just to get this beast to a manageable size.   that would be glorious.  maybe the size of a puppy.  i like that image.

[Three Roses]

some of us, unhappily, didn't know until too late in our family's lives.  i've damaged my own daughters both by what i did and didn't do.  still, when i began understanding, i began changing, both for myself and them.  that's all i can ask of myself.

I suppose for me, I don't see all the things that happened to me throughout my life as positive, but I have learned a lot from going through all this *. I have an insight into depression, i have more compassion for others than, say, someone who's never had anything like this happen to them. I have shown my sons that change and growth are possible, as adults, and that we don't have to accept the role we've been given OR the role that we've accepted, however you choose to look at it. I am changing the legacy that i'm leaving, and helping them to learn better ways to live a fuller, more enjoyable life. And hopefully I can be someone who can help point others in a healing direction and bring understanding and awareness of CPTSD to others.

[dutchierich]

I know what you mean, Dee. I think about it all the time, every day, many many many times per day. It keeps me angry, it keeps me frozen, it keeps me afraid. I'm not sure how to make it stop, except that I'm infinitely better now than I was seven years ago. I've had EMDR therapy for seven years and it's helped tremendously. Unfortunately, since I'd blocked out the traumas, I had to reawaken to them and relive them... all part of recovery, sure, but now I have those images to deal with every day and they're quite new for me, relatively speaking. I've decided to treat them like flashbacks, and they are at least emotional flashbacks if not some version of the visual kind as well.

What I've started doing is when I realize that I'm reliving or obsessing on the abuse, I take some really deep, long, belly breaths and tell myself that I'm not in danger anymore, that I'm safe right now, and that I'm just having a flashback. I just repeat it over and over in my mind and allow the calm breathing to take effect. It's been helping to cut down on the duration of the episodes, though not necessarily the frequency, and is helping me to more quickly identify that I'm having a flashback.