Tough night and morning

[Dee]

I'm having a really hard time.  Last night, this morning.  I'm sick because of it, I don't feel like I could crawl out of the house if I wanted to.  I even contemplated if I am having hallucinations.  I've had flashbacks, but this feels like so much more.  I just feel like I am drifting in and out of it.  Has anyone else done this, to this degree? 

I think it may be memories, really bad ones.

[woodsgnome]

This bumpy night/morning in/out scenario describes well how things were with me for years, and to an extent still are (with an uptick recently).

My troubles tend to show up as voices...they went away for a while a few months back due to some cathartic group work I did, but have returned big-time recently; perhaps due to some physical ailments as well. Whatever, they've made their awful return.

My only/best recourse recently has been to yell and scream back at them. Fortunately I can do this as I live alone in an isolated area. I know I used to mouth the words, but now I vocalize 'em besides, per a suggestion from my T. I have lots of other comfort things I try (music and more), but this more active response seemed to work better.

You didn't mention if your invasive thoughts are as graphic as hearing voices (mine I can identify as that of abusers). I don't know; but maybe even voiceless, vague memories would retreat if one talks back to them. Whatever you think might be the 'why this is happening' answer, it could just need that strong retort, but everyone is so different with this.

Hope you will find some peace. 

[sanmagic7]

did something trigger this, dee?  maybe if you could pinpoint something, you can get yourself free of it more quickly.

i haven't really had anything like you described, usually my stuff is a disturbance of some sort that i just feel stuck in but that i can't put my finger on.   it's definitely distressing, tho, and that's when i ask for strength to make it thru the day.  i'll feel like i'm moving thru mud until it finally passes.

best to you with this, sweetie.  so sorry you're experiencing something so frightful.  i hope it leaves you alone real soon.  love and hugs.

[Dee]

I finally fell asleep, hard.  It was full audio and visual.  I think it was things I have heard before.  The difference is I couldn't really get out of it.  For hours and hours I couldn't.  I felt like I was on fire too and I got sick a few times.

I had a super stressful day yesterday.  I got the date my daughter leaves.  My son leaves early October, my daughter mid November.  I looked at a few places because I think I need to seriously downsize.  I felt like I kept reminding myself all day that I just need small because I'll be alone.  I wondered what I would do with all of my things and thought I don't need that much.  Someday I'll die and I don't want to stick my kids will a ton of stuff.

My mom called to complain about my sister mistreating her (she isn't).  I told her I had looked at places.  She got mad said I am suppose to be buying something for her.  She hung up on me. 

On top of that I had both my kids together so I did the check in on the bomb I dropped.  I went to bed last night crying.

I woke up sometime after midnight and it started.  I don't think it started in my sleep, not like a nightmare.  Then I would fall back to sleep for a little bit (no idea how long) and I would wake up and it was going.  Almost like that time period where you are almost asleep, but not quite.

I tried to call my therapist but she moved offices and got a new number.  I have it in my phone wrong because it didn't go through.  That was about all I could manage, I didn't have the ability to go through the switchboard.  I could hear myself telling myself to focus on my 5 senses, but that wasn't possible.  Anyway, I finally just crashed.

Now, I still feel like I am on fire.  Maybe, I am just actually sick.  Though I suspect that made me sick.  There are more details to what I think may have been hallucinations, but there is no need to go into it.  It was abuse.

[Blueberry]

Dee, I'm so sorry!  It sounds as if things are really stressful for you right now, and it seems it's been that way for you more or less permanently since you got back from inpatient treatment. Just one thing after another.

I don't know your exact situation, especially financial (I'm not asking either), but would it be possible for you to stay in your present place for a year or so to just give yourself more time and energy for healing? If you feel more or less safe and happy in your present place, then that's a good thing to hang onto. Moves create work and upheaval. During healing, stability in daily life is good, if there aren't other pressing reasons to move. 

As for your M wanting you to buy her a place, Forget that. Sounds crazy to me. Atm you need need to be there for you, not for her. 

A long time ago I had something similar to what you're describing, though a bit milder. I'm sorry and wish I could write something more helpful.

[Dee]

I'm starting to feel better.  A little less sick.  I'm going to get some water, get out of bed, take a shower, maybe try to eat something.

[Three Roses]

I agree with Blueberry! On all counts.

I had a sort of emotional, idk what to call it, breakdown or w/e when the last kid moved out. It is stressful (and I was even in favor of him moving out)! Maybe a year isn't such a bad idea, if you can swing it.

Why are you supposed to buy something for your mom? A home? Nonsense.

I'm glad you're starting to feel better, i hope that continues

[Dee]

I can stay here.  It just seems like a waste.  It is too big with too much maintenance for just me.  It also feels like I am spending too much for just myself.  I do know the area appreciates really well so I should get everything I put in back out.

My mom wants me to buy her a house, condo, duplex, townhouse....something.

[Three Roses]

Excuse me, I have a strong reaction to that. It must be touching something within my own experience....

My reaction was, "That's ridiculous!" along with a feeling of anger. None of my business I know, but I wanted to let you know how way off normal that seems....

[Dee]

It is ridiculous.  I am not buying her anything.  My mom is not okay.  She calls and leaves messages that my sister is starving her, she is being mean to her, they are not talking to her.  This isn't true.  My sister has issues, but is not starving her mother.  My mom is also racking up gambling debt.  She has always had some of these issues (to include a gambling addiction), but somehow my dad was a able to control it.  Now he's passed away, it's unlimited.

I may help with her rent so she won't be homeless.  I will not put any of her utilities in my name.

I suppose if my mother was okay, I wouldn't be posting here in the first place.