Confirmation of my C-PTSD and emotional flashbacks

[Healing Finally]

HI all,  there is no other place or group of people that I can share this information with who will totally understand.  I am grateful to have found you.  With your guidance I have discovered and confirmed my C-PTSD.

If I was not convinced before, I am now.  Yesterday I had a complete emotional flashback which caused me to dissociate all day.  I can see exactly when it started and stopped.  I have gone through these for so many years and had no idea.  I  would chalk it up to depression, exhaustion or the flu.

Long story short, I was in a relationship for 5 years with a man that cheated on me the whole time. I was very close to his family (large family, 5 siblings, spouses, children and grandchildren) and one of his sisters was my best friend.  They were like my family, although everyone knew he was cheating on me.  It was tough on the family to be around me, I always wondered why they were distant sometimes.  What's wrong with me? When he finally confessed and said he loved me and would never do it again I believe him.  But then he did, and now is married to her.

As I was still close to his sister and family, as time went on, I would become totally traumatized when information would come out about each one of his affairs.  In her own sick way, his sister appeared to enjoy finally being able to confess this information to me.  Needless to say, we eventually parted and I haven't seen anyone in about 5 years.

I'm still in touch with him as a friend.  Last week in a passing conversation he said they all would be together camping this weekend and I should come up for the day.  He said everyone loves and misses me and would love to see me.  I especially love his Father, who is now 85, so I thought this would be a good time to see him and everyone for a day.  I confirmed on Thursday early evening that I would come up on Saturday.

But, Friday (yesterday) I couldn't get out of bed.  I was completely spent.  I thought I was tired from my long work week (I get every other Friday off and yesterday I was off.)  All day long I struggled with all these uncomfortable feelings, and couldn't get myself to do ANYTHING.  I closed the curtains in my bedroom and watched HBO sitcoms on my laptop all day, just feeling awful. 

After my third nap I woke up and determined I really couldn't spend all day Saturday away from the house as I had a project I was planning to do.  I then grappled with my desires to "go have fun" or "be responsible" (which is a common scenario.)  I started to get down on myself for not allowing myself to put fun before a project (cleaning up the garage.)  But, I decided it was the best thing to do, so I texted my old boyfriend and told him I wouldn't be coming after all.

Once I sent that text, I IMMEDIATELY felt better.  it wasn't until a few hours later that I realized I was in an emotional flashback that started when I said yes, and stopped when I said no.  I realized that as much as I love these people, being around them would bring back floods of anguish (which had already started.)  I cried as I realized I really can longer be around them.  I mourned the loss of yet another family.

Today I feel a lot better although I'm still working through uncomfortable feelings of guilt (I said i would go but now I'm not,) sadness, and some anger.  So, I'm going to get into my garage project and know I will feel a lot better! 

Thanks for being here.  HUGS

[Blackbird]

Healing Finally, sounds like you're finally realizing your limits and your boundaries.

I wouldn't go as well, I have a similar situation but with no cheating. Emotional abuse. He has some sort of issue, he didn't tell me what, and then regrets it but hey, we're still close but not that close. I have come to realize it's very hard to keep a good and honest relationship with an ex. Takes a lot of maturity, and I'm not sure either one of us has it... Don't know about your situation, but something to think about.

Yesterday in therapy I was talking about how close I am to his family, and my T said that maybe I was just looking to belong, overlooking their flaws and dysfunctions. What do you think about that?

I think it was very brave of you not to go and put your safety and mental health first.

[Healing Finally]

Thank you Blackbird!  - Yes I think you are totally ON THE MONEY when it comes to "looking to belong, overlooking their flaws and dysfunctions..."  You are amazing!  I am so used to overlooking all flaws and dysfunctions of people as I yearn for the bonding (which they gave so freely even knowing that I was being abused, guess they felt guilty too.)  I suppose no matter how much love there is there, one has to just move on (which may be what you need to do too.)  I don't know about you, but I do know that I yearn for family bonding as I do not have that within my own family.  My boyfriend (of 6 years) has a dysfunctional family as well (part of our bonding) but one should not yearn for a family if one knows they are not healthy.

Thanks for saying I am brave, I don't feel brave, I feel like a wimp.  I decided to look up the definition of brave:  "Possessing or exhibiting courage or courageous endurance."  This resonates as it does take courage to acknowledge one's limitations.  UGH! 

[Kizzie]

Wow Healing Finally, if that's not a good example of the struggle over loss so many of us face, I don't know what is.  We all need to belong, to be loved and care about and to give that in return, but when important people in our lives are not emotionally well, it just isn't possible and that can take a long time to figure out and a lot of pain to accept. Even though you miss them and there is much pain in letting go, you are choosing your health and indeed that really is 'healing finally"       Hope the garage project goes well 

[Blackbird]

I'm glad I was able to help you, Healing Finally 

[Healing Finally]

Thanks again Blackbird, and thank you Kizzie!  I really appreciate you all confirming that my real desire is to feel a sense of belonging with those I love, and it's so sad to accept it's just not healthy for me.  Same for my own family  - as they are not healthy I have to stay away from them too 

OH and the garage project went very well!  Still lots to do, but I feel much better knowing I took care of me.  And I know if I did go, I'd probably would have been in bed all Sunday too.   

[Kizzie]

    to you for getting your garage project underway and and    taking care of you!   

[Candid]

Once I sent that text, I IMMEDIATELY felt better.

Wowee, you get really clear signals of what's right and wrong for you! I envy that.

Agree with Kizzie that we all have a need to belong. That's what drove me back to H after a four-year separation. Don't get me wrong, he's as loyal and loving as a man can be; the problem is me. I know I don't belong in his family, but it's the best I can do for that all-important sense of belonging somewhere.

Sounds to me as though you need to have done with this family, which you probably got into because it was reminiscent of FOO. Egad, isn't there a mountain of stuff to get through before we can trust ourselves with the Big Decisions?

[Healing Finally]

Hi Candid!  - Yes, you are correct, my old boyfriend's family was extremely loving and was happy to have me as a member (even when my boyfriend treating me so poorly.)  My Mom would say, "You spend more time with his family than ours!"  Now I know why!  I never felt that same feeling with my own family, as the love I received in my FOO was conditional (dependent upon my not upsetting the apple cart of the dysfunction due to my en-Mom and uNPD sister.)  Once I upset the cart, I was OUT (almost three years now, sheesh  )

Interestingly enough, this experience has given me more strength to make better boundaries within my own FOO (basically with my Mom) as I experience the benefits of taking care of myself.  And YES, it's a matter of being able to trust myself, give myself permission to make that big decision of letting my FOO go even further....for ME.

Oh and when it comes to "clear signals" this is the first time I have ever been able to determine when an EF started and stopped, as I never even knew what they were before!  Now I know when I'm feeling "overwhelmed" (that's what I used to say) that something is up.

Hugs to all

[salto]

WoW! Thanks for sharing! This post gave me a big Aha moment. The same thing happened to me a few days ago. I had said yes to spend some time with the family I'm born into. The following days I was dissociating a LOT and when the day came, I was really out of shape. So I had a reason to say I couldn't come. And boom, immediately   I was myself again

[Rosebud89]

Hey everyone,
I am brand new to forum support groups. Also just recently found out c-ptsd and EFs exist after living with so many symptoms for 15+ years since it started with childhood trauma and throughout my young adult life endured further traumas. Which is how I got to where im at now. The EFs, social anxiety, deep depression, and never ending overwhelming loniness. I also have similar family issue. I have a big family but we are all dysfunctional and damaged so no sense of belonging there so I realized I've been searching for the void and blindly filling it. Which has lead to the loss of MANY people I valued SO much and topping it off with finding out my value to them was chump change more than half the time. This post made me realize more than ever the main family I considered as my own (my ex of 8yrs family) is one of my biggest most damaging triggers. My ex has come back into my life weve become close friends again over the past year since my last breakup (July 1st last year) so not only is that effecting and triggering me but the 3 yr relationship that just ended last year was very very pyschologically, physically, verbally abusive..a narcissist I came to find out so the massive trauma on top of that explains why I'm SO paralyzed mentally and physically the majority of my days to the point I can hardly leave the house. Can't work, so staying with friends....THANK YOU FOR SHARING!! THE MORE IM READING THE MORE AIR IM BEING ABLE TO BREATH ALL OF A SUDDEN.