I hate my IC and . . .

[alliematt]

IT WILL NOT SHUT UP!!!

I'm trying to write a novel.  I'm on my third rewriting.  I'm freezing up every time I sit at the keyboard and try to work. 

In other areas, it seems that everyone else has an answer for everything . . . except me.  I just sit there and think, "Uh-uh-uh."  I don't debate well and have been told that it's not my gift. 

Why can everyone else have a say and I can't? 

Just for once, I want to win an argument!

[Three Roses]

 

[alliematt]

My IC is named Bertha.  I pictured her yesterday.  She's big and fat, wears a blue calico, shapeless housedress, and she carries a cast-iron frying pan, brandishes it constantly, and is always chasing me with it. 

I asked her why she always had to yell at me.

She told me, if I don't, you won't listen.

That sounds like a very mean parent.  It made me think of times that my mother and others have yelled at me or otherwise verbally or emotionally abused me . . . and I got angry.  It was scary how angry I got. 

I think my anger is justified.  I'm Christian, and if I understand the teachings of Christianity, forgiving those who have hurt me is a requirement.  I don't want to carry this angry chip on my shoulder all my life; it's not good for me and it's not good for others either.  On the other hand, I was abused.  I was treated badly by people, and I did not feel like I could fight back.  That just compounds the anger.

[Three Roses]

I'm a Christian, too. I believe when we're able to forgive, we will. I don't think trying to force ourselves into forgiving is productive and can even help keep us stuck in a shame loop (if you know what I mean).

Forgiveness, to me, is simply releasing my right to seek retribution, or justice, or payback or whatever you want to call it, and instead releasing my abusers to the immutable laws of the universe... to let a higher and more loving intelligence than my own be the judge...to trust that in time everything will be given due consideration and the right outcome will occur...and to not seek my own timing for these events.

Big hugs to you, I'm so sorry you're dealing with all this.

[Candid]

Forgiveness, to me, is simply releasing my right to seek retribution, or justice, or payback or whatever you want to call it, and instead releasing my abusers to the immutable laws of the universe...

Good definition. It has little or no effect on the abusers, but frees us to do the work on ourselves with a clear conscience.

alliematt, sounds like you've got a feedback loop going on. Your IC keeps telling you all the rotten things your abusers said or implied about you, and in the passing of time it adds more (and more damaging) of its own. You give it more ammunition when you take on a giant project like writing a novel, with all that racket going on in your head.

Then you say you hate your IC because it's frustrating your ambitions. This is where the loop starts, because like it or not your IC is part of you.

Next time it interrupts, give it some attention. More than "Go Away". Ask it what it has to say. It says it. You win that round -- or you ought to.

You're a writer, and it isn't letting you get on with the novel, so maybe do this on paper. Hand-written is more powerful than on screen. IOW, befriend this IC of yours, hear what it has to say, defend yourself, lay it to rest. I wouldn't mind betting it's got some laughable criticisms to trot out. You keep saying That's not true. That's not true. That's not true.

What I'm trying to say is that you're attacking yourself, and most of it's probably subliminal. Force your IC to be specific and you've got a chance of getting it on your side.