Hi

[strugglin]

I don't know about you, but the worst part of struggling with Complex PTSD for me is wanting to be heard but too afraid to say anything. It's easier anonymously, on a forum like this. So here I am.

I was diagnosed with Complex Ptsd about 12 years ago. I had three months of trauma therapy and just when it seemed to be peeling at the surface, the funding was over. I had been unemployed and unable to pay, and then for the next 6 years I worked for barely more than minimum wage and couldn't afford therapy.

I've dabbled in some alternative self-help therapy since then, namely something called eft or tapping, and it actually really helped desensitize me to some of my childhood trauma, and that made some things better in my life, such as I no longer feel threatened by people in authority, I am not as fragile as I used to be emotionally, I don't get "set off" so easily.

But problems persist, particularly the deep sense of shame, I have a persistent sense that I have very little value as a person. I have a handful of friends but there is very little to no depth in those relationships. As far as a romantic relationship, the deep inner shame keeps me alone because I feel too defective to be worthy of anyone's love, particularly if they got to know me. That said, I do have a very shallow "physical" relationship that has lasted several years, which seems to be better than nothing but I think it also serves to support my belief that I'm not worthy of love and relationship.

I spend almost all my free time alone, where if I don't keep busy I fall into deep sadness and loneliness and can't see it ever being any different. I still hope for change even though I'm almost 50, and I've been lonely my whole life. I'm here hoping something will spark a change, maybe I'll see something that will help me. I can't imagine I could be of help to anyone else at the moment, but stranger things have happened.

I have some really good childhood memories, which I tend to focus on. Many of the bad memories I seem to have been able to "neutralize" as far as how they affect me emotionally, thanks to eft. However, the deep sense of shame and failure as a person, that is still there for me.

Childhood trauma took many forms, alcoholic father who was predictably unpredictable, neglectful, abusive physically and emotionally, I witnessed severe abuse of one of my siblings, lots of berating of my mother. My father made me feel like I was a nuisance, in the way of his happiness. At 10 years old I was made to feel like a mooch because my shoes fell apart and I had the audacity to ask for new ones. My father would leave without notice for several weeks on end and we would not know when he would return, which on one hand was a relief but on the other hand you never knew when the peace would end, and as he was the sole breadwinner we scrounged for food in his absence.

Teachers were abusive both physically and emotionally to me. For one school year two entire grades of students ganged up on me and daily told me I was ugly, useless, filthy, disgusting, a loser, etc, and two larger older students who had failed a couple years used to chase me and kick, punch me etc. Teachers never intervened and I never told my parents because life was bad enough as it was at home, I didn't want to trouble them.

So I've always struggled with friendships, severe anxiety, depression, in my early 20s I was suicidal. I've had some good brief moments in my life for which I am grateful, and I try to focus on those. But lately the loneliness is eating away at me and I feel like I am giving up to depression. So I've come here hoping to find some hope or suggestions on what I can do to better my life. Thanks for reading.

[Kat]

Oh, dear strugglin, I'm so, so sorry things have been so difficult for so long.  I think most of us here know the kind of loneliness you described.  It's so tough to trust, and even harder to find people who "get it" and aren't afraid. 

The deep sense of shame you mentioned is I think one of the absolute worst parts of CPTSD and one of the hardest to overcome.  Unfortunately, it's at our core because of how we were...ahem..."raised."  For me, I cognitively know I'm not awful and disgusting and someone who should be ashamed of myself, but accepting it as true and feeling it is so different. 

I've been lucky to be able to work with a great trauma therapist for years now.  We've got a very close relationship, but there are times still when I'll be in the midst of a good cry and ask, "Do you still like me?"  She always asks why she wouldn't like me and my response is that I'm a bad person.  We went through this one recently and she very genuinely said, "I just don't get it...I mean...I get it.  I know why you feel like you're bad, but as someone seeing you from the outside I just can't understand how you could think you're a bad person." She went on to say that this imposed sense of shame and "badness" is one of the things she most abhors of all the damage CPTSD does to people.

I'm really glad you're here.  I look forward to hearing more from you.  Welcome.

[Lingurine]

Hi struggling and a very warm welcome to you 
It seems you have a deep insight in what you are suffering from and I am glad you can see the positive things in life as well. You maybe want to wander around and read on the site a bit and join whatever comes up.

Lingurine

[Three Roses]

Welcome to the family!

Two books that helped me immensely:

"The Body Keeps The Score", by Bessel Van der Kolk

"CPTSD: From Surviving To Thriving", by Pete Walker

[ricepen22]

I felt numb for a bit. I understand what it is like to have an alchy father (but obviously not your exact situation). For me I felt like a lot of my life was sucked from me and many opportunities lost.

I found that a small shock helped. I really enjoy travelling. So going places on a small budget really helped (i am always skint, lol). I also missed out on my late education. So I attended an evening class. It was a bit stressful. And I work a low skilled job, so it can be financially hard as well.

Don't know if it is helpful.

[strugglin]

Thank you for the welcoming replies! I've been feeling hopeless and alone and your responses cracked that a little.

Three Roses: I've googled the books, and read a sample of the first one on my kindle, it looks intriguing! Does "The Body Keeps the Score" explain the treatment process? Is it along the lines of somatic experiencing? I've looked into that a little and I think it might help me. It looks interesting.

Ricepen22: What do you mean by a "small shock"? Literally electric shock treatment? I love to travel too, and have recently gone on some trips and enjoyed them immensely, but always going alone is getting old. Still, I refuse to sit at home just because I have no skills for building friendships.

Kat: You have a way of infusing empathy, thank you.

[ricepen22]

Gently pushing the boundaries. Doing something slightly crazy. Trying something new.

You don't want to go over the top because it could do more harm than good.

For example (this is not a suggestion, you need to decide what a slight shock would be for you) - so you go travelling, but this time you take the person that you are having a Physical thing' with or another acquaintance. Its a risk , for obvious reasons, it also needs thought, could be to much of a risk for you. But its out of your comfort zone , slight change from the norm, enough to make you tick. To scare you just a little, but also be safe. A challenge. The key is to define rules and boundaries, to keep you safe.

This is just my method though. I don't know if it is healthy or not . I don't know your history so it may not be good for you.

[Three Roses]

Does "The Body Keeps the Score" explain the treatment process? 

Yes, it explains several different types of therapy, and how this is an injury, not an illness.

[strugglin]

Does "The Body Keeps the Score" explain the treatment process?

Yes, it explains several different types of therapy, and how this is an injury, not an illness.

Thanks!

[strugglin]

Does "The Body Keeps the Score" explain the treatment process?

Yes, it explains several different types of therapy, and how this is an injury, not an illness.

Oh I see, so do something out of my comfort zone. Well, I am frozen by the possibility of rejection, so asking my "friend" to go on vacation with me seems daunting. But yes, I think you are right. I need to take some risks to get me out of this loneliness. Thanks for responding.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi strugglin
Thank you for sharing
I can really relate as a lot of your story and experierences are so similar to mine
I'm 44 yrs
I too had brief therapy via NHS and it was good but 3 mths was not long enough to integrate it
I've had 2 yrs of on and off * .. coming off or changing anti dep and then becoming v unwell .. I've just had 6 mths off work.
So the hope I want to share with you is that this wk I am starting long term trauma therapy with a charity called the Southmead project based in Bristol U.K. ..
I shall be v gratefully receiving this help for no cost
How I found this service was by going to Acoa ( adult children of alcoholic and dysfunctional families ) a 12 step recovery programme  and a guy I met there had accessed the trauma charity .
Acoa I would recommend and it is just by donation to cover room cost e.g. £1 $1
See the website for meetings in your area and what the programme is about. I've met people there who could be speaking my story and people are doing some really good and effective process work

[Boatsetsailrose]

Yes that has been my experience too the deep shame and not feeling good enough at anything has become worse...
And when the loneliness hits I fall and fall
See * Pete walkers website / book 'for surviving to thriving ' he explains about abandonment depression a very real experience for us ...
And yes relationships are a difficult area for me ( my ex therapist said the relational part of complex trauma is v often the area that is more complex to heal )
I have very few people in my life and that further increases my 'not good enough'
But as you I am hopeful and believe it is possible to become further healed in this area ...
None of us are bad people we are survivors working to get well
It makes sense that we would avoid intimacy with people as hey people have been the problem ... as the layers heal so I believe it will transpire that more people will be around me
For now well tonight it's me and the key board ( oh and a teddy bear that I squeeze to death

[Boatsetsailrose]

Apologies if I'm going on ! Seem to want to continue
Meet up ( a social activity app) has been really good for me - I joined a walking and hiking grp ans it has helped a lot with loneliness and not belonging
And re somatic experiencing there is a Facebook group called ... oh hang on I'll just get it

[Boatsetsailrose]

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