I feel like it's inevitable *trigger warning*

[songbirdrosa]

Just to preface this, I'm not currently suicidal, nor do I have any intent to self-harm. These are just some thoughts that linger in my mind.

I've often heard the phrase "not meant for this world", and as much as I hate cliches, I think it really applies to me. For the longest time I've had this pervasive feeling deep inside that when I die, it'll be by my own hand. That no matter how hard I try, or how much I improve, one day something is going to happen that's going to tip me over the edge and it'll be my end. I've tried twice before, and both times I made mistakes that led to me just getting sick.

Today's society simply functions in a way that I'm not built to cope with. To quote one of my favourite authors, Jane Austen: "The more I see of the world, the more I am dissatisfied with it; and every day confirms my belief of the inconsistency of all human characters".

In my mind, it's not giving up. It's an acknowledgement that I don't want what this life has to offer, and I'm okay with that. If I could leave humanity behind and live a solitary life somewhere I would, but I don't think I'd be up to the demands of a life like that. Then again, I don't think I'm up for the demands of the life I'm living now. I just don't want to plod along for the next fifty or sixty years. I'm 26 now, and I think it's highly unlikely I'll be around for even another ten years. I don't want children, so that makes things a little easier. I just want to be around long enough to travel a bit more, and then I'm done.

There isn't a place for me here.

[Lingurine]

Songbirdrosa, I understand how you feel. I really do. Today I feel just like that, not able to cope with life and its demands. Coming out of a major EF that rocked my world and scared me.
Let just sit together and maybe feel less alone with this feeling.



Lingurine

[songbirdrosa]

That sounds tough, Lingurine 

I'm just so tired. And it's not the kind of tired that goes away with sleep. I'm barely even close to thirty and I feel like I've already lived ten different lifetimes. I wonder if that's possible. To have too much life in your years?

[LostinthisWorld]

Songbirdrosa,

I hear you. I also feel there is no perspective to ever live a life that´s worth living. Ma life has been a fightand I struggle surviving since I can remember. I am so tired and the symtopms even get worse. I know now that I´m 41 that I will never have have kids, it is more than unlikely that I will ever have a stable relationship and so I simply have to face everything all by myself- as I am used to since I was 14. No contact to FOO. I´m trying to keep going but it is a path without destination. Waiting for my life to go by and end someday. So I get you totally. I wil give one last try to EMDR treatment, it will be my last therapeutical approach

[Elphanigh]

Songbirdrosa,

I have felt that way too. I still do sometimes, and it is a truly difficult one to sit with. What resonated with me was even more was

I'm barely even close to thirty and I feel like I've already lived ten different lifetimes. I wonder if that's possible. To have too much life in your years?

I am not yet 25 and feel like that sometimes. Like I have lived far too much for such a short time. That there has just been entirely too much.

I wish I had words to make it better, but I can tell you I am here with you. Always supporting you however you need. 

[Dee]

I totally get it.  I really thought there was no hope and I could never feel better.  I went inpatient mainly so my kids would know that I tried.  That I did everything I could.  After about a month (I was there for two) I had an aha moment.  I was sitting on the couch and the therapist had two empty chairs in front of me.  One was the manager chair and one was the victim chair.  He asked me what he manager tells the victim.  It was then I realized that no one should ever talk to another person that way, regardless.  It was then that I found hope that I deserved better.

I still have dark nights.  I just had a dark week.  I am just more willing to keep fighting because I remember feeling hope for maybe the first time. 

For me I needed inpatient therapy to change it.  It was far different than outpatient because you can be more real and they can push buttons.  I went to a trauma unit with a structured program.  It wasn't like an acute care ward at a hospital.  I would hold back with my therapist for fear of being sent away.  When I got there I didn't have anything to lose.  My point being is there are different approaches and there is one that can work for you.  Keep exploring,  Talk to a professional.