Before I do

[Oskivia]

So before I begin to talk about my current life, I will mention my past, because in this very moment I think its time I share my story.

I was born to a drug addict, she was 15 and sleeping with two men, one whom was 27 for drugs, my whole family wanted her to have a abortion as she was mentally unstable and had suffered a lot of trauma herself she was refused and i was born. I was named after her friend who overdosed and her graffiti tag name. When I was born my mom moved out of my grandparents house to be on her own. that's when it began. drugs were sold in and out of home causing bad boyfriends to be around and a lot of break ins too our place. I was always afraid to go home, my mother would often leave me locked in my room because she wanted to party, her boyfriends often were abusive and it always ended badly sometimes they would hit me. There was days where i thought my mother was dead, as she would be out cold from doing who knows what and passing out on the stairs,couch,or bed; if i tried to wake her it would often result in her screaming at me to "leave me the * alone" this was often in the mornings. I would usually feed myself breakfast. I didn't grow up to learn good hygiene which resulted in ten cavities, and me needing a diaper till I was five. she had a bad habit of this and finally my grandparents discovered it when I was four but didn't want to take me on. so instead they bought a house out of town and took me and my mom with them along with their 9 year old son. It was okay for awhile because instead of being home alone or having our place broken into my grandma could come check on me, Then one morning my mom had been out partying late that night and i asked for breakfast she told me to piss off and get something for myself. I went to the fridge and all we had was a yogurt cup, so I put on my red gum boots and walked over to my grandparents, the house smelled of pancakes, blueberries and maple syrup. I sat and ate and was on my second helping. No one asked where my mom was they all knew where she was, so we didn't talk about it. soon enough my mom had woken up, she stormed over to my grandparents yelling at us all accusing them of trying to take me away. my mom told me to come and my grandma quickly stepped in asking her to let me finish my pancakes. it got worse. they ended up more screaming an yelling as I sat by the table. eventually my mom stormed off and my grandma tried to reassure me as my grandpa tried to calm her down. it didn't work my grandma rushed me and my uncle into her room as my grandpa dealt with my mom it was getting violent and so my grandma ran out to help my grandpa, my uncle and me were left alone int he room waiting, he was crying i was still. I just wanted pancakes. eventually I ran out i was afraid, i wanted my mom. when i ran out i found my grandma crying. she came to me trying to comfort me and there it was our back glass window was smashed with an axe by my mom, i felt the glass bounce off my cheek and a small cut on one side. my mom tackled my grandma to the floor trying to choke her, she eventually got pulled off by my grandpa and my grandma called the cops. i was crying now. the amount of damage was done, she was carried off by the cops and i cried and screamed for her as the police took her in cuffs i remember the look on my mothers face when we made eye contact through the window. i didn't see her for three years.

Once she was gone my life was more peaceful for sure, but not all better, i needed to have someone sleep next too me till i was 12 and that made y uncle and grandpa very upset as I took my grandmas time each night. Soon my grandpa would be locking me in my room in the dark and then yelling at me to which he threw me outside and locked me out. He didn't know how to deal with me. my uncle took his anger out on me as he was bullied and i took his moms attention away from him. he would punch me throw things at me when my grandparents weren't looking and it often resulted if i told my grandpa with a good beating, so i didn't unless it got really bad. their was a day when my grandparents were gone for a few hours and it was just us he dumped water on me because we were fighting and then grabbed me by my jaw and threatened me. by the age of 15 my mom and i were at a distance, me not really wanting a relationship with her, and her craving one with me. she had already two kids and was soon to be expecting her third. but i had a boyfriend at the time who had a dog, so i wanted a dog too. she said she would get me a puppy if i moved in with her, as my grandparents would not get me one, so i moved in. I got the puppy but then it got bad, my mom was snooping through my things accusing me of stealing, and my food portions were limited, often i went without a lunch, no breakfast, and a small dinner, because her babies were more important. One day she stole my phone and i tried to take it back she choked me while she was pregnant and i couldn't get her to let go so i elbowed her in the side. you see i knew she was unstable but my grandparents because they never wanted me and wanted me to have a good relationship with my mom told me that she was better and that i should give her a chance. so when i called them telling them what had happened they said i couldn't move back in unless i got rid of my puppy (which i refused to do, because she wasn't any better with her) told me to suck it up and stay there, to not pick fights and move on. i did sorta, i started hanging out with druggies and smoking weed. eventually when i started to feel better and gotten out of the hospital for the 4Th time after trying to kill myself i met my husband. I quit smoking and got a job, i was going to school and gonna graduate something no women in my family had done. I got pregnant before i did that though.

So now here i am a year later after my daughter being born suffering after being diagnosed with Complex PTSD. my days are a lot better these days with therapy, my husband supports me and understands my past, I've managed to graduate high school with a scholarship and am looking into becoming a child youth care worker. I still have problems talking and opening up to people and occasional wave of depression, my anxiety is still bad but better. I have no purpose to this other then wanting to share my story. I hope you are all healing well.

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome, Oskivia! I'm glad you are here.  I'm so sorry to hear what a painful childhood you had, feeling there was no one to rely on. You are a true survivor!

I'm also very pleased that you're in therapy, and at a relatively young age. Many of us here are older and have gone through life unaware of cptsd, so I'm always happy when I see someone starting their life with awareness of it.

Thanks for joining! 

[Elphanigh]

Hi there! I am so glad you found this place. Although I am sorry for everything you went through that put you here. You sound so strong, and like you have a good support group with your husband. It is encouraging to hear that. I hope you find this place as wonderful as I do.

Like you I am among one of the younger members here. It is good that you can start to work with all of this earlier than even me it seems.

We are always her to help, and listen 

[Kizzie]

Welcome Oskivia!     You've had a rough go of it and yet you kept a small spark through it all into recovery and healing.  With support from therapy, your H and here, no doubt you will be able to fan that into a lovely fire to keep you warm and safe from now on.   Glad you found your way here