Complete wreck.

[unklekrappy]

Where to start?  I'm a 45 year old man who has been diagnosed as Bipolar II for more than 20 years.  I've always managed to keep it mostly together, but recently my life and symptoms have become increasingly unmanageable.  I'll start with some background.

I was always the fat kid, so my torment started very young.  This was compounded by the same from my father and siblings...even the occasional teacher.  I received a bit of physical abuse from a teacher and peers as well.  Girls were always particularly cruel, and my family humiliated me when I started being interested in them.  This was my entire life until I met my wife.  I had 17 years of feeling loved and cared for.  She had MS, but I was a nurse aide, so I was prepared to take care of her until I lost a leg to cancer.  She Passed away the day after my birthday last year.  I'm now a disabled single father.  This of course is just a very summarized overview.

Once my wife died, I slipped right back into the self loathing.  My attitude became one of unsurprise as...if it was going to happen, it was going to happen to me.   Since I also have a hypersexuality component to all of this garbage, my life is becoming more and more unmanageable.  I was on dating sites for a while, but they were too expensive, and nobody ever responded to me anyway [I wrote to over 200] leading to flashback after flashback.  I finally got to talk to a woman who I allowed to treat me like crap for several months before I finally had enough and let her know how I feel.  Now, I'm full of shame and despair since realizing that I'm suffering from this complex trauma makes me realize that Even if I could attract a friend, chances are good that she's not going to want to deal with me.

I've been shaking for the 2 days since I stopped talking to her, and xanax isn't really helping me.  I'm terrified to see a therapist because all that therapy has ever done is trigger me.  I feel hopeless, and my only time of peace from my head is during sleep. 

I don't know how any of you might be able to help, but I appreciate you letting me spill my guts.   

[Three Roses]

Welcome, UK, and thanks for joining! I'm sorry for your loss, your wife sounds like she was a beautiful and caring person. I think you'll find here a group of people seeking recovery from the same kind of background as yours, so they understand. People here listen and validate, and we won't try to minimize anything you've been through.

CPTSD has been misdiagnosed as a number of things, bipolar disorder is one of them. I hope you find the answers here that you've been looking for. Glad you're here!

[AphoticAtramentous]

I'm really sorry to hear about all that, mate. I don't have much advice to give but I'm happy you found the forum and I hope it helps you! ^^