Out of the blue *Triggers*

[Jmama1208]

Hello there! I'm new here, but looking for someone to say "you're not crazy...this is CPTSD". From the age of 15-18 I was in a very controlling and violent relationship that I somehow got the courage to end. Then from age 20-22 I was in an even WORSE relationship. This man was pure evil. He'd lock me in his apartment (I was in college a state away from home), wouldn't let me see my friends and half the time I couldn't go to class. He made me do things for him I can't even talk about and he also raped me numerous times.

Now, I got married and had a baby at 23 (different guy, totally nice but a drinker) and I just put all my focus on my son and making sure we had enough money. 2 years ago (age 29) I had an emotional breakdown and had to be hospitalized. This is when I told my parents, best friend, and ex husband exactly what happened to me and that's why I had that breakdown.

Anyway, I'm 32 now and I can't stop these obsessive thoughts about what he did to me. It's like I blocked it out for years, and now, Out of the blue,  it's all flooding back! I'm remembering things and having major panic attacks, crying spells, and becoming more and more manic.

Why is this happening to me now?? I'm going to meet with a lady at the YWCA tomorrow to see about therapy and groups, but it's like my brain is trying to take me down. I can't stand this!

[Dee]

I wish I knew why things just hit me, sometimes things I haven't thought about for years.  I know I was triggered, but it is hard to find exactly what the trigger was.  I am working in therapy to know my triggers and to be able to cope better with them.

To me it sounds like you have a plan to take care of yourself.  You are meeting with someone, accepting help, and finding what may fit for you.  This is a brave and scary thing to do.

Welcome!  We are here to support each other during this difficult journey.  It isn't linear, but we can move forward (then back, then forward). 

[Sceal]

I dunno, but maybe because you're now in a safer spot, and your brain and body is finally allowing yourself to actually react towards the abuse. During the abuse it was a matter of survival - and breaking down back then wasn't an option because of the fear of making everything worse. Mixed with the fact you are acknowelding what you've been through?
Just some thoughts.

[Three Roses]

Welcome! I also had things come up out of the past, but I don't know how I managed to forget them and function day to day. We have tons of reference material here, two books that helped me a lot are "The Body Keeps The Score" by Bessel van der Kolk and "CPTSD: From Surviving To Thriving" by Pete Walker. Pete Walker also has a website, http://pete-walker.com.

Hope you keep posting and asking questions - we're here to support and validate. Thanks for joining!

[rbswan]

Welcome Jmama, just wanted to say "you're not crazy" and I identify with those feelings.  I am 51 and things are still coming up sometimes.  This is a great place for information, identification, recovery and loving support.