Intro Post <3

[Strawberry Tooth]

I was diagnosed last Thursday.  I am glad to have found this website full of information and the forum so quickly.   Everyone seems kind in posts but I've felt shy to say anything, and I hope this isn't a terribly negative post or makes anyone feel bad, I'm being as plainly honest as I can in one shot so I don't wimp out on posting again. 
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so  TRIGGER WARNING on Symptoms, but I will try to not be graphic.

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The doctor is very adamant that I have this thing.  I should accept that something is absolutely wrong with my brain.  I've known that my symptoms were some type of thing that most people never act or feel like.  I have now seen MANY articles and lists of symptoms that sound like they were written by the people that live with me.  I felt sick looking at myself on the pages and I have cried a lot since then. 

I feel far away from the diagnosis and am unable to connect with the idea.  I've only heard of people who have been to war and came back, and were unable to mentally come all the way back.  I'm not a veteran and I feel like no matter what I went through in my life, it's not anything compared to the things they've seen.  Also, I have been the director of my life since the day I turned 18, so by this age I am pretty damn sure that I am the common denominator in all the problems I am facing.  I want to hide this condition from everyone and at the same time, I want to connect in secret with the other people who have this mostly so I can be sure that it's real and how to make the best of things and manage life like a normal person.  I also feel like nothing inside is truly going to change, maybe my perception though.  Whatever causes these feelings and my body to react how it does has been here my whole life. 

SYMPTOMS WARNING

I have finally hit a point where whatever is happening has taken over.  I have giant public meltdowns pretty much any time I'm made to go out with people, handle chores, ride in the car for a long time, or sit in a room without windows.  I mend all my clothes to avoid clothes shopping.  The doctors have me take medicine that helps  with the anxiety.  I was so scared and worried all the time that was making it physically impossible to leave (because bathroom problems).  The medicine helps, I've been on it for over a year.  I now can make it to necessary places, usually on time.  I still go up and down emotionally, sometimes the switch is severe.  I can't keep a train of thought or remember things from day to day.  I go blank and just stand there and I don't notice until there's a noise or someone comes in the room.  The nightmares have been there every night since I can remember my first dream.  They have been the reason I feel like I became a writer and artist.  It's like living another life when I go to sleep.  I own a house in my dream, and yes, it's haunted as *.  Lots of tornadoes, and millions of light switches everywhere that either don't work or only barely turn on.  Some days when I'm awake, it's all gore in my head, lots of visions that I can't predict that come zooming in from nowhere and I can't NOT see them.  One of the main reasons I went in and got honest with the doctor in full:  the visions were becoming so vile and real that they were making me flinch, even around people.  I hear voices behind the doors that are speaking so low I can't hear the words, but they sound like warnings.  Sometimes I clean all day.  I have to be reminded to eat a lot of the time.  I am 6 feet tall, and I usually weigh 130 to 145.  There are good days, there are wackadoo days, there are down days, some days I'm in the closet with the light off. 

I hope that I haven't offended anyone, and this post reached the right place.  I will continue to read the forum, it's good to see both the posts that seem a little close to home and the ones that sound like hope. 

[Candid]

Hello and welcome, Strawberry Tooth. I see nothing offensive at all in your post and I hope you'll get to know us, and feel comfortable posting more. It's great that you found the site so soon after being diagnosed. Well done!

The doctor is very adamant that I have this thing.  I should accept that something is absolutely wrong with my brain.

"This thing" being CPTSD? As we often say here, CPTSD is an injury, not an illness. We've had to adapt to trauma, and to finding no one who understands where we've been. The adaptations themselves can become problematic, eg. if we isolate ourselves because we despair of being seen and heard. People who don't have CPTSD often say very hurtful things.

I have now seen MANY articles and lists of symptoms that sound like they were written by the people that live with me.  I felt sick looking at myself on the pages and I have cried a lot since then. 

They are wrong about you, Strawberry. None of this is your fault, and one day you'll know that.

I'm not a veteran and I feel like no matter what I went through in my life, it's not anything compared to the things they've seen. 

Most of us feel that way to start with: that we didn't have it so bad, or we imagined it, or even that we caused it. Your official diagnosis of CPTSD means you've been through more than enough to overwhelm anyone, and for a very long time.

I am pretty damn sure that I am the common denominator in all the problems I am facing.

You are, but that doesn't mean any of it is your fault. CPTSD can impair our judgment to the point that we make very self-defeating choices.  If we knew better, we'd be doing better. It's been five years since my official diagnosis and I still struggle with self-esteem, self-care and addictions.  If I beat myself up for that I just add fuel to the fire.   

I want to hide this condition from everyone and at the same time, I want to connect in secret with the other people who have this mostly so I can be sure that it's real and how to make the best of things and manage life like a normal person.

Well, you've done that.  You've found us.  

You may some day decide that you wouldn't trade your life and your understanding for that of  "a normal person". IMO there's nothing quite like CPTSD to show the phenomenal strength of the human spirit, how much individuals can bear in psychic isolation (always a feature). When we begin to love and celebrate ourselves, we have much to share and teach. We have depths most people can't imagine.

Welcome aboard, anyway! It's great that you're here. 

[Fen Starshimmer]

Hi StrawberryTooth and welcome to OOTS! 

There is nothing negative or offensive about your post. It's other people who don't understand CPTSD that make us feel we are the problem, when in fact it's what happened to us, what was done to us.  Like Candid says..... none of this is your fault. Our brains adapt to severe ongoing trauma to cope, and as a result, we become more sensitive to our surroundings, suffer nightmares etc. You might want to consider looking into some great books out there to help you navigate your way through this, eg Pete Walker,  Judith Herman.

If it's any comfort, I used to feel like a 'walking panic attack', and could hardly go anywhere without feeling triggered. After years of exploring different healing methods, my quality of life has greatly improved and I am no longer so easily triggered, and nor do I dissociate as much. There is hope.... definitely. The diagnosis is often the first step on the journey to recovery. It certainly was for me.

Warm wishes and hugs 

[Three Roses]

Thank you for your post, Strawberry Tooth! It takes courage to write about what we've been through.

I want to be sure that "this thing" is complex post traumatic stress disorder and not simple. It doesn't mean it's more complicated, "complex" refers to the cumulative effect of traumatic injuries piled on top of each other. Totally different than PTSD. The medical community is slowly coming around to this awareness.

You might try the book "The Body Keeps The Score". Here's a link to Part One of the audio book on YouTube:
https://youtu.be/EKjBM6MxTKg

Thanks for posting! 

[Strawberry Tooth]

Good morning!  Thank you for replying, especially the words regarding injury vs. illness, they are hopeful to me    


MORE POSSIBLE TRIGGER STUFF

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I went in to be frank with the doctor because.........the last time I went to handle a payment, two nice sheriffs were eventually sent to my house to make sure I was okay.  Long story about how I can't function around money.  But I wanted the medication/Q&A sessions to be working, so I've been reporting to Dr. V "mostly good".  I want it to be mostly good more than anything.  She's seen me lose it one time before, and I felt like she didn't expect that at ALL.  She's tried to bring it up again and I just kind of shrugged it off.

I WANT TO BE CLEAR SO I'M NOT IN THE WRONG PLACE AND OUT OF LINE HERE: 

She didn't say the phrase "PTSD" or "CPTSD".  She just started showing me some methods she was going to be using to treat me, a model about a resilient zone and stretching that so I can deal with more ups and downs.  It looked like a graph with a nice wave and there was another wave graph with a lightning bolt (trigger) and the wave going up and down and plateauing.  She said that she believes I skip the low part and just go straight to the high level that is on the end of the graph, which sounds pretty accurate.  She had me download an app.  She did say I have a lot of traumatic stress and started talking about coming in more often.  She scheduled three future appointments, and if you have Kaiser, you may have the same problem with constant reschedules.....NO ONE gets a 3-pack scheduled during the actual appointment afaik .   She gave me a hug, and told me I am her hero.  Don't get me wrong, I'm just as confused as you are.  She's kind and helpful but never bridges that gap, like what doctor does that in a giant Kaiser hospital?  I will put more as she lets me know Officially™, but it was just her mentioning trauma multiple times and some of the keywords about treatment (JUUUUUST realized that she mentioned the eye-movement treatment in a previous appointment, so maybe I'm not as good of a liar as I'm thinking) that got me to this page.  There's no one specific cause/occurrence for feeling and reacting this way, I can't pick one, even if I did, the symptoms go back farther. 

Honestly, the world is pretty garbage, I know it for many facts personally, like this world is sick, SICK.  Even worse happens Out There to Other People, and I don't want any part of any of it any more, and it's become a large problem if I have any interest in engaging in life.  I don't have a preference if it was just me, but I have a wonderful son and husband and I need to be okay so that they can live happy lives.  Watching Netflix is okay but so is going to school functions and nice outdoor places like the beach that is ten minutes away, and I've been to two times in 3 years, both forced.  I owe one city library 50 dollars and it took a week for me to rack up the nerve to take my son to a DIFFERENT CITY'S library to attempt to get him a card.  We ended up having a great time and both walked out with cards.  This happens and then I go home and the problems that can't be fixed or shouldn't be thought about so intently come rushing back the minute I get home and alone.  I want to balance it.

Anyhow, thank you for writing back.     I really appreciate the words of reassurance and once again, some phrasing just hitting too close to home lol.  I am glad to have met you guys here......have a pleasant day until we meet again

[Candid]

Don't get me wrong, I'm just as confused as you are. 

No confusion here about your Dr V. Even if she's never heard of PTSD/CPTSD, she's recognised that you've been through too much and are overburdened. Sounds good to me, what she's put in place.

I know it for many facts personally, like this world is sick, SICK.  Even worse happens Out There to Other People, and I don't want any part of any of it any more, and it's become a large problem if I have any interest in engaging in life.

The world looks like that to me several (but not seven!) days a week, then something shifts -- often just that I get a good night's sleep -- and I get a better take on it.  I've found that the inner work I've been doing in the hard times, mostly unconsciously, has had a huge effect ... even if it was 'only' soothing myself to hold on through it. I'm certainly a veteran of riding the dragon.

I don't have a preference if it was just me...

I hope you start to see things differently, and find some enthusiasm for life, although I know that can be a tough call. My theory is that when we're keeping a lid on lots of bad feelings, it gets to the point where we can't feel the good stuff, either.

I hope you have a good day, too. 

[Strawberry Tooth]

Hello again! 

Sorry for absence, I haven't been online......  I've been out in The World

The last few days I've been working on getting the DMV and my car handled so I can drive again.  There are so many things that have fallen by the wayside because I just stopped dealing with things (like the mail), putting my hands on them and possibly making bad go to worse. 

I went to the DMV and it took around 2 hours.   I was frizzled getting out the door and forgot my charger, so I had to save the phone for emergencies and couldn't use it to pass the time.  So guess who spent 2 hours people watching?  The person who physically runs away from the sight of people.  As I was sitting there desperately trying not to space out, I noticed a little boy running in circles around the group of chairs, hollering and giggling.  Most people seemed irritated with him, but I felt this 'child's joy' just washing over the blank yellow tones of the room.  I feel blessed that I forgot that phone charger, I would have never noticed him.  I got my DL handled (look out road!) and should be driving again within a week.  I asked for Window 13 in my mind when I walked in, and out of some thirty-odd windows, I got my lucky 13.

I also went to WalMart    Yesterday seemed very big.  I found medicine for my betta Cannon, who has been sick a long time.  I came home and cleaned his tank and put the medicine in, and I haven't felt that good inside in a long time as I did watching him dance around in the happy water.  I picked up a journal in the Back-to-School section.  I'm going to go read posts here about how to journal, online it says to write about the hard stuff and work it out like that, but I don't think I'm ready to just barrel down that hill as a rookie. 

And @candid --  'Several vs. Seven', thank you so much for this.  It hit me in my heart. 

[Candid]

Sorry for absence, I haven't been online......  I've been out in The World

indeed, and certainly no need to apologise!

As I was sitting there desperately trying not to space out, I noticed a little boy running in circles around the group of chairs, hollering and giggling.  Most people seemed irritated with him, but I felt this 'child's joy' just washing over the blank yellow tones of the room.  I feel blessed that I forgot that phone charger, I would have never noticed him. 

I really like this, too.  Those people who were irritated are the ones who weren't allowed to be children themselves.  There's far more of that about than will ever be acknowledged, and obviously it becomes inter-generational.  Don't know how many times I've been one of those lips-pressed-together angry people who can't stand the little brutes, their running around and shrieking, nor their bawling when they're hurt.  I could never have run about shrieking in glee at 'home', much less in public.  I can't remember a time when I was allowed to cry (much less wail!), either.  That was a time for baby to be abandoned (Mother leaves the room, if not the house), so that when I was a bit older I knew to remove myself and hide whenever I felt bad.

It's great you were able to share in this little boy's glee.  Provided I'm well-rested, what I used to think of as spoiled brats are a feel-good thing for me, too.  I can certainly gauge how far off-base I am by how I'm perceiving others.

I haven't felt that good inside in a long time...

It was Louise Hay who wrote: "When we learn to love ourselves, little miracles are everywhere."  Your delight in the exuberant toddler.  Getting number 13.  Getting betta better.  Spontaneously deciding to buy an appealing journal.  I know there's some car stuff in there, too, but that goes over this bus-dependent's head.

Well done, you. I take it hitting you in the heart was also a good thing? 

[Blueberry]

  Yesterday seemed very big.  I found medicine for my betta Cannon, who has been sick a long time.  I came home and cleaned his tank and put the medicine in, and I haven't felt that good inside in a long time as I did watching him dance around in the happy water.  I picked up a journal in the Back-to-School section. 

Way to go, Strawberry Tooth!  Your post reminds me that when I actually accomplish things I've been intending to do but haven't been doing I get a surge of energy and it makes me feel really good! I admit I've never heard of a betta Cannon before but I guess it must be a type of fish?? I don't always look after my pets the way I should either. Sometimes they are sicker longer than they should be before I do something.

So now thanks to your post, I'm shutting down the computer and going into the kitchen to get a start on the dishes. I almost always feel better after washing (some of) them.

[Candid]

I've never heard of a betta Cannon before but I guess it must be a type of fish??

Turns out a betta is aka a Siamese fighting fish.  ST calls hers "Cannon".

[Blueberry]

Ah, thanks Candid. That makes sense now I read it that Strawberry Tooth's fish is called Cannon.