Men on the Forum

[complicated man]

Its hard to tell, but it appears that most of the posts are from women.  I would like to hear from any of the men on this forum.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi complicated man
I am not sure re men and many people use user name that does not determine sex..
Of course men suffer cptsd and I have met some when I have been to 12 step meetings
I am glad to see you are here and asking for what you need
I wish you all the best in your recovery

[Candid]

it appears that most of the posts are from women.

It appears that way to me, too.  Overwhelmingly.  I hope some men will identify themselves here.  I'd be interested to see where I've assumed wrongly.

[sanmagic7]

i've known of several men here - i hope they identify themselves to you. 

unfortunately, historically, men have had a more difficult time asking for help for different reasons.  i'm glad you're here and hope you get the support you need.  here's a hug if you want it     

[Blueberry]

I do have the impression that a lot who routinely post are women. Though there are a few exceptions, I believe. At least it would be nice for OP if any men made themselves known to him, even if they don't want to be open about it on the forum.

[complicated man]

I am interested in hearing from men who have been through therapy for cptsd.  I get frustrated with my therapist (T) sometimes.  I am very literal and "bottom line" oriented.  I find myself thinking, "can we just skip to the answer".

I am interested in hearing the opinions of women on this board, including their take on this post.

[LittleBird]

Hi complicated man,

I'm glad you have found this forum.

[Kat]

Complicated Man, thanks for bringing up the subject.  Your username is interesting, given the subject.  It's really tragic that men are expected to come out of the horrors of abuse somehow unscathed.  Such an unfair and ridiculous expectation.  It just really doesn't make sense.  It's saying that female brains and male brains are affected and adapt to trauma differently, which is bull.

I'm interested in your experience in therapy.  Could you say more about the dynamic that is frustrating to you?  I feel like I'm sort of a "bottom line" oriented person, but I don't think I feel the same frustration that you seem to be expressing.  On the other hand, I don't think I would consider myself quite a "literal" thinker. 

I can see how not having males reflect and affirm you experience could be difficult.  I hope you'll keep posting and reading and exploring. 

[Three Roses]

I find myself thinking, "can we just skip to the answer".

I wish we could! But unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your view), this therapy stuff is a longer process than that.

I'm a cut-to-the-chase kind of person, too. I wasn't raised to see my thoughts and feelings as having any importance, so being encouraged to look at them feels odd and a little uncomfortable.

As I understand it, a good T isn't going to do therapy "to" you but rather "with" you. She's interested in what's inside; there is no right answer. It's more her job to be a guide on your journey and less a guru that's gonna hit you with a magic wand and make you better (although I would prefer that )

And although I hate to contradict anyone, there is evidence that the male and female brains are different physically in ways that have nothing to do with how you are socialized. More on that here - https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hope-relationships/201402/brain-differences-between-genders

[Kat]

Interesting!  I'll have to the link later, but now that you mention it I'm recalling reports I've read about the differences in "female" and "male" brains.  I found it absolutely astounding that when tests were done to see what areas of the brain were active, some men's brains showed NO areas active (as in thought processing).  As I recall, this doesn't happen in women's brains--there's always something going on.  I can't wrap my brain around NOT having thoughts running through it.

[complicated man]

Thank you to all that commented.  I believe that this is a discussion worth having.

20 years from now, I would not be surprised to see several subsets of cptsd.  I also believe that there will be several approaches to treatment, depending on your subset and other factors, possibly gender.

Although I wish I was being treated by an expert, there isn't one that I could find in my area.  I get frustrated at my T sometimes, but I chose her for a reason.  Although fairly new, she has shown the willingness to learn about cptsd.

[woodsgnome]

Even taking into account some male/female differences in brain chemistry, most topics discussed here--love, support, and yes, abuse--are gender-neutral. They're only human, very human. As to the abusive side, both genders are prevalent in having caused pain for so many so often. We all hurt.

That said, I'm a guy, and I hurt; and was physically harmed, emotionally abused, and sexually violated by people (FOO, teachers, clergy) of both genders when young, and a couple of times beyond those years.

When it comes down to my core sense of wanting to receive and express love and compassion, I'm hard-pressed to note what is truly different. What differences there are add flavour and tone based somewhat on gender, but the core desires and needs are the same in both (although I stay away from experts on something I can sense in my heart).

If it's true more women than men find and contribute to this forum, perhaps it only reflects what this western cultural norm has taught--that men are gruff and strong and to express and feel what's inside--especially grief and hurt--is somehow taboo. Huh? That's wildly bogus, and yet it prevails and prevents many men from finding their deepest humanity. It's awful that sensitive sorts are considered outside the norm, whatever and why that is. And it's worse when sensitive people of either gender are ridiculed for having and showing tenderness.


My early experiences ruined me in many ways. One effect is that i'm sexually remote--asexual to be precise. Though I've had close emotionally loving and affectionate relationships, the sex side can function like a giant flashback hindering and freezing/freaking me out at that point.  I've virtually given up--tried some sex therapy but it was way too clinical for my taste. Plus, there's nothing wrong with being asexual anyway. I hurt, it affects me, and that hurt derives from how I was treated by both men and women who'd gone off the rails. Yet for so long I feared their actions reflected something wrong with me, and that my asexuality made me some sort of freak.

While I may look and seem like this macho woodsy guy to many, that also misses the point of how I came to be this way. My flight to the woods was my escape from the years of abuse. If anything, some guys are disappointed to find out I don't tote a gun (or even own one), drool over sports spectacles, relate to sexual banter, and/or do all the other typical gender expectations.

I choose operate in a neutral space--if I like something, it isn't due to whether it's considered male, female, popular or image-driven. I did split wood and things like that for many years, but what's that got to do with male or female, if one's circumstances call for it? I may be a woodsman, but I also have known quite a number of woodswomen living virtually the same lifestyle. It's a misshapen culture that slaps these meaningless stereotypes on everything concerning gender identity.

I've already rattled more than my share here, but in my case cutting to the chase doesn't always result in answers, and instead can bring up more questions. Which is okay--the nature of therapy might require loads of patience to get to any definitive answers (although we'd prefer otherwise). Sometimes one discovers areas they hadn't realized before--good and bad. The best therapy can seem rough that way, but at least it's thorough. Fortunately, my current female T fits my needs almost perfectly. She'd rather partner with my issues, and that often requires patience, fortitude, and stamina to explore, and perhaps explain what is, after all, called complex cptsd.

And here's to us--women and men--who are seeking peace with however we've come to be here.

[LittleBird]

Haven't had time to read this whole article, but might answer some of the things coming up in this thread:

http://www.who.int/mental_health/prevention/genderwomen/en/

[LaurelLeaves]

I am interested in hearing from men who have been through therapy for cptsd.  I get frustrated with my therapist (T) sometimes.  I am very literal and "bottom line" oriented.  I find myself thinking, "can we just skip to the answer".

I am interested in hearing the opinions of women on this board, including their take on this post.

Hi Complicated Man,

I am also very literal.

My pet peeve with therapists is they usually have a pet diagnosis that they want to pin on everyone.  For example, one thought I was in denial about my sexual orientation; I am not.  Another one thought I had ADD; I do not.  Another one thought she could "cure" me in a few sessions with behavioral therapy; I knew she could not.

I think that T's want you to find "the answer" for yourself, rather then "skipping to the answer".  They try to lead you there, but not tell you where they are going because they think if they tell you "the answer" you'll just reject it.  Unfortunately that meant I had to go thru many sessions the one who didn't believe in my orientation, before I figured out where she was going with it.

I feel better with male therapists, although I won't reject trying a female one.  But I haven't found a T that I am very comfortable with yet.    I think I should look for one who says their is focus is PTSD, so at least we are on the same page about one thing.  My gender is trans man.