Trapped in a country wide prison

[InjuredW0lf]

Hello all,

I'm new here. I have cptsd stemming from my parents abusing my physically and emotionally growing up, and being bullied by people from the same background (Somali). I got sway from them 2 years ago but I didn't know why I felt as I did because I thought it was normal to be raised like that. But I got away because I couldn't stay and wanted to heal.

After a year and a bit I made real progress until one day my uncle who I was staying with as well as my therapist suggested I spoke to my parents. From then on I was awash with guilt and shame and couldn't function. My aunt also didn't make things easy as she was very critical and foolish and stubborn and never listened.

Anyway, after being dragged so far down by I didn't know what at the time I decided to open connection with them gradually in a bid to forgive. I did so, and it only made things worse. But i still did not know what was causing my decline. Anyway as i was abiut to finally get my new apartment I froze and decided to come to Somaliland instead, where my parents were raised. Im currently here and i have now learned that i have cptsd from my upbringing and that this place and my parents are... well. My triggers.

I've been stuck in my room since learning. Most days I can barely move. I lie on the floor motionless and frozen. I can't eat. And there is nobody in this country to turn to. I need to leave but my parents (who paid for the trip) seem to be stalling because they are incredibly incredibly controlling. (They told me they had infinite funds to pay for my trip here and only when I came did I realize they broke the bank to get me here and essentiessentially stay in a house all day. My bet was they thought if they couldn't get to me this country woild)

Each day I decline. Each day I lose myself to the negativity. The relatives I stay with are just as bad as my parents but I keep the door closed to mitigate interaction. I am beginning to feel like if I stay much longer I'll feel as I used to. I don't know how to cope.  I don't know what to do. If I go back to canada I'm moving across the country from them and never speaking to them until I am ready.

What do I do? How do I maintain belief in myself in the face of the same type of inconsiderate, rude, controlling, abusive behaviour and language these people seem to think is GOOD? (Just to give reference for you all they consider female genital mutilation to be normal and they abuse animals, one mayor killed 250 dogs recently because there were too many on the streets in their view... I could go on)

Thanks

[Candid]

What a horrible situation, InjuredW0lf.   

I decided to open connection with them gradually in a bid to forgive. I did so, and it only made things worse.

I understand. I did the same thing with my parents about 25 years ago after a long estrangement, and it was so horrific that I knew I would have to cut contact with them for life. 

I need to leave but my parents (who paid for the trip) seem to be stalling because they are incredibly incredibly controlling. (They told me they had infinite funds to pay for my trip here and only when I came did I realize they broke the bank to get me here

I'm puzzled.  Are you saying your parents are in Canada but they sent you to Somaliland at great expense?  Is there anyone in Canada other than family who would be willing to take you in if you went back? 

Don't despair, my friend.  I'm glad you decided to join our forum, and I hope you'll find what you need here.

[Dee]

I've lived in the region and I know that is a difficult culture.  Most people don't see it, but if they dig, it's there.  If you are Canadian, go to the embassy, if they have one there.  You may need to go to Nairobi.  The embassy can often help with emergencies, such as citizens stuck in a country that is dangerous.  You can go to consulate as well.  You need Canadian citizen services.  Also, the US consulate or embassy has reciprocal agreements where they can assist you in the event there is not a Canadian embassy or consulate.

[Three Roses]

I have no insight or suggestions apart from what's already been said, but want to add my support. I hope you can update us. We care. 

[InjuredW0lf]

Hi all,

Thanks for the replies. They kept me going in the hardest moments, they're all I have to go by currently. This is more talking to myself in a place I know it makes sense...

Everything around me is a trigger, everyone around me is abusive or inconsiderate or inhumane. This is not a culture; this is disguised narcissism where everyone is participating and perpetuating such behaviour and mistaking such feelings as caring. The negative effects and symptoms are too long to list yet none ask why.

This is the perfect scenario to go insane isn't it? Barely moving, coming in and out of ptsd flashbacks and having to close my eyes and imagine I'm somewhere else because where I am is disgusting, not bwing abe to eat..

I lived like them for a while in my childhood. I ruined my brothers confidence as a result. I abused him thinking it was good for him (I called it "training"), or when he did something great for his confidence (he is mildly autistic and finds it hard to fit in, so he decided to do a daily PA announcement under the pseudonym M squared, and he was fantastic, everyone loved it, and I berated him so badly because I thought it was useless as my parents um... instilled the fact that nothing other than school grades mattered in life. He quit soon after. I wanted to kill myself when I figured all of this out, and I still haven't managed to find a way to apologize. My own little brother who needed me the most). I'm trying to remember that despite the fact these people think they're doing good, they're not,  and I see my past perspective as proof

I'm afraid of becoming that again. Not just because it's painful and I lose who I am, but I want to help my brothers or my little cousins to never be this. I want to help but I'm losing my heart forthe first time in my life. Ive always had courage but when you just crumble automatically what can be done? I don't know how to stand up for myself in the face of criticism let alone stand up alone.

-------


I spoke to my parents yesterday. I pleaded but they took offense as if I'm a failed project called me suicidal, berated me, guilt tripped me and hung up on me.

I don't see any way out of this other than dissociation. I'm losing perspective.

Lastly I noticed I used I so much in this post, that I am surely so long gone into the hole of narcissistic abuse there may be no hope left to cling onto.

From *,

InjuredW0lf

[AphoticAtramentous]

Try not to blame yourself for what you did to your brother. It was not really you who did those things, more like a by-product of your parents' abuse. The fact that you've noticed what's happened and that you want to apologise is a really big step. I don't think you could be like that again. The more you grow, the more you understand what is appropriate/normal and what's abuse. You'll figure out exactly what it means to care and nurture someone, without the pressure of narcissistic caretakers. ^-^
You may be injured but you're still strong, you can get through all of this!

[Three Roses]

Someone suggested a visit to an embassy - can this be done? would it help?