(Yet another) Is this an EF? (Possible TW)

[Asche]

** TW ** Mention of suicidal ideation. **

I've been having episodes that I've been calling "Emotional Flashbacks," but they don't seem much like what the threads on "what do youre EFs feel like?" thread.  Would these be called EFs, or something else?

Right now, I have two kinds:

* I suddenly feel like I'm in a lot of pain, but not localized, and it's not like a physical pain.  Sometimes I think, I wish someone would kill me so I wouldn't have to feel this.  I'd cry if I could.
* I don't feel anything emotionally, but I find myself clenching my fists or wringing my hands and my face and shoulders and neck tense up as if I were in a lot of pain or something, but I don't feel any pain.  I keep thinking I should be able to relax, but somehow I just don't.  Eventually, slowly, I relax.

These episodes last typically a few minutes, not for hours or days like some report.  I generally can't point to a trigger, though occasionally  just before one starts, I remember that I was thinking of something I had done "wrong", or at least something that could have been considered "wrong" when I was growing up, and starting to feel like I was just the most awful, horrible entity in the universe.

Up until a number of years ago, before my transition (I'm a trans woman), the episodes consisted of feeling like I was awful, etc., and wishing I could kill myself.  To the extent I can remember, they started in childhood.  (Back when i was a child, I really did want to kill myself, but the idea of dying scared me too much for me to actually do it.  Now they're just intrusive thoughts.)

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome, Asche! I'm glad you're here. 

In answer to your question I'll post some excerpts:

http://www.pete-walker.com/fAQsComplexPTSD.html

One common clue that we are in a flashback occurs when we notice that we feel small, helpless, hopeless and so ashamed that we are loath to go out or show our face anywhere....Another clue that we are in a flashback occurs when we notice that our emotional reactions are out of proportion to what has triggered them, e.g., when a minor, present time upset feels like an emergency or when a minor unfairness feels like a travesty of justice; e.g., a spilled glass of water triggers an incessant diatribe of self-hate....At the core of the abandonment depression is the abandonment melange – the terrible emotional mix of fear and shame that coalesces around the deathlike feelings of depression that afflict an abandoned child.

https://healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.wordpress.com/2014/05/24/constant-muscle-tightness-in-complex-trauma-survivors-armoring/

I am currently reading Pete Walkers book on complex trauma and he describes constant muscle tightness, which I have suffered all my life, as 'armoring'. I have not heard it described this way by anyone else and it makes perfect sense.

My massage lady once described my body as being continually 'braced for something', which she was correct in describing, and is a symptom of my hypervigilant state, that always assumes subconsciously, that I need to be prepared for trauma. In the case of my body, I always have my 'armor on'.

Hope this gives you some answers, thanks for joining!-

[Asche]

Three Roses: I'm sorry, I'm having a hard time relating the quotes to my own experience.

Fear, shame, helplessness, etc., are pretty much a constant in my life, as far back as I can remember.  It's just that at around age 12-15, I learned to block them out and bury them and ignore their crying and force myself to do what needs to be done (Raw Bits, anyone?  ), or distract myself.  I can't see them as "episodes,"  they're just my life.

What seems to have changed since I started transitioning is that the worst of my childhood misery is no longer split off into the inner 11-year-old; I seem to have integrated him/her because I no longer feel her/him as a separate person, suffering and crying and feeling abandoned inside me.

These episodes distinguish themselves from the "just my life" stuff in that they are so, so forceful.  The pain feels unbearable, and even when I don't feel it, my body reacts as if I were feeling the worst acute pain I have ever felt.  (Kidney stones anyone?)

[Three Roses]

I'm sorry they weren't helpful to you. Maybe someone else has some insight here? Maybe some of our trans people have had this same reaction?  I hope you hear something soon from one of our other members. Sorry I couldn't be more helpful but here's a gentle hug if you want one