Hi - I'm new here. Thank you for being here.

[Noel]

  Hi Everyone.  I'm new here, and feeling grateful that I found this group.
              I am relieved that I have a diagnosis or designation of CPTSD, which answers the question:  "What is the matter with me?" and just the knowledge about the symptoms takes a lot of stress away.  The CPTSD began at six years old. 
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TRIGGER ALERT:
I witnessed a horribly violent act from my mother upon my little sister of three years old, and I had to stand in front of my little sister, or there would have been a fatality.  Our mother had escalated in violence over a period of 3 years, and my sister could have been a poster child for child abuse.  As for me, the mother used abandonment, and lack of connection.  Both parents were violent and sexually abusive and it went on for many years, and finally stopped when I left home, and my younger sibs were out of danger.
END TRIGGER ALERT:
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     I have spent years and enough money to buy 2 homes with therapists who meant very well, and they were very safe, but they had very little or no concept of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or Chronic Stress Disorder.  Their offices were refuges of safety for me.   I made progress in integration, and after quite a few years, I left therapy for a break.
    These past two years have been very hard.  I have chronically felt shaky, and weak, and spend too much time in bed.  I am able to function as a teacher, and a grandmother, but I always feel like my legs are going to give out on me, and that I need to get to bed.  The doctor can't find anything wrong with me, but unless it is a matter of work, or childcare, I am otherwise in bed, and now it is greatly altering my once active lifestyle.  I am seventy years old, and I am wondering if it is a matter of age.     
      Whatever it is, it has been going on for 2 years now. Sometimes I feel frightened if not terrified that I will never be able to enjoy life again. 

[AphoticAtramentous]

Hey, Noel. Glad you could find us here!
I'm sorry to hear what's happened and sorry that it's stuck with you for so long. I hope you can find some help and soon, things will get better!

On a side note, I like your profile icon/avatar. Is that your own pet? They look quite adorable.

I applaud you for battling all this for such a length of time, it's inspiring!
I hope you stick around. ^-^

[Three Roses]

Welcome! There's another member here who has the very same symptoms in her legs as you. She's in the process of trying to get it figured out, hopefully you two can share info and find solutions. Thanks for joining!

[Noel]

Thank you for your warm welcome.  I tend to isolate and perseverate on feeling terrified, and trying to manage symptoms.  I keep a low profile everywhere, because I have never been able to get over, or through, or around the symptoms, let alone heal them, so out there in the real world,  I stick to language about the subject I teach, and not stick around for much socialization when the teaching day is done. I just don't want anybody to see the damage in cognition, or anyting else.  So, I welcome this opportunity for outreach.

I am very glad you are here, and I can barely believe I found a site that is focused on CPTSD.  Sometimes I cynically call what I have Chronic Traumatic Terror Disorder.  I hope I can connect with the member who has this weak legs sensation.     

Thank you for your replies, and I look forward to connecting more with you.

[Candid]

I have spent years and enough money to buy 2 homes with therapists who meant very well, and they were very safe, but they had very little or no concept of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or Chronic Stress Disorder.

Well said. I envy the younger ones who don't know the world before internet, truly the Dark Ages in which people with CPTSD were groping and stumbling through the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt).  This forum alone is a miracle to me, a groundswell of people all doing our bit to bring enlightenment to the medical/psychiatric community.

As Three Roses said, we have another septuagenarian going through similar issues.  Her name is sanmagic7.

Sometimes I feel frightened if not terrified that I will never be able to enjoy life again.

I'm no spring chicken myself and I don't know how many times I've had a 'last' straw and thought  I'm never going to come back from this. 

TRIGGER WARNING
In my experience the straws got progressively heavier, but it's just now occurred to me they didn't; it's that anything less than The Big One doesn't register with me now.  Last month I was first on the scene when an elderly neighbour passed away, wedged against her front door so I had a devil of a time getting in.  I went through the motions for about four hours as ambulance, police and finally undertakers trooped through. I mentioned it in passing next time I saw my temporary counsellor and she was insistent that "it must have been very distressing".  The fact that it wasn't is what gets me called hard and uncaring.
END TRIGGER

That's also why I have to put myself aside to 'be with' the young relative, for example, whose husband recently walked out.

I'm so glad you found us here, Noel.     I hope forum membership will make as big a difference to you as it has to me.

[sanmagic7]

hi, noel,

i'm the one with the wonky legs.  gonna be 70 this year.  sounds like we're in the same backyard, so to speak.

i've gone thru all the tests, brain scans, etc.  nothing physically wrong.  i do not believe this is age-related.  as i've been pondering on it over the years, i do believe the legs thing is a c-ptsd symptom, connected to emotions, especially anger, that i'm not expressing. 

it could also be related to stress, and the stress part may have something to do with anxiety and/or fear.   again, emotions that i'm not expressing.   i've had a difficult time recognizing my feelings throughout my life, but i didn't begin having trouble  with my legs until i was in my 40's.  looking back, i can see where the c-ptsd was in full bloom by then - i'd just been coping with it differently until my body couldn't take it anymore.

as i keep recovering, i've been noticing that the problems with my legs has been of shorter duration.  it used to be that after a particularly stressful experience, i'd lose my legs (as i call it - they just wouldn't move normally, even tho my brain was supposedly sending the correct signals.  i guess now that it wasn't sending the correct signals mainly because it was overloaded with unexpressed emotion/feelings) anywhere from a few hours to a few weeks. 

after resting and de-stressing, my legs would come back, sometimes slowly, sometimes in a flash, as if nothing had been wrong with them.   it's been very frustrating, has taken a lot of time and thought to figure something out that made sense to me.  it seems, tho, that the more i get out honest thoughts and feelings about what i'm going thru, the better it's getting.

don't know if any of this is relevant to what you're experiencing,   it just sounded similar.  i certainly do hope you can find some relief.  i'm also in the process of getting back into therapy to see if i can get help with this.  best to you, noel,  and a kind and caring hug to you.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hello dear noel and thank you for sharing ,__ I feel sad to hear what your childhood was like and i send prayers for you and your siblings
Its such a blessing that the abuse stops somewhere and when I hear about your grand daughter that is wonderful
I can relate to the past 2 yrs I have had a similar experience ,,
There is a book ' the body keeps the score' by Bessel van de kolke that may be helpful . The premise that are bodies store unprocessed trauma is widely researched ,,
I have started doing scaravelli yoga ( its gentle and so.good , doesnt seem to require the effort of other styles) and I am finding this very helpful.
I've suffered headaches all my life and not lower back pain,,
Magnesium salts help me too to get the ache out of muscles but this may not be what will help you ?
I can relate to the 'terror' too and isolating .. I wonder why I'm alone like I am at that no one appears to really care ( not totally true) but I know I don't trust and this is an area for me to work on
Another thing that I'm looking at doing is having something like kinesiology to test all the vitamins\ minerals in my body ,,
The central nervous system is so intricately connected to so many parts of us and for us needs knowledge and healing ,, have u thought of going to a body worker/healer? Somatic worker ?

[Boatsetsailrose]

There is a fb group that may be helpful
' healthy nervous system revolution'
It is facilitated by Irene Lyons and her work is informed by Peter lavine and others. It is a closed group so feels safe and it may be a place you could get some good s uggestions / help

[Noel]

Dear Candid,
Thank you so much for your helpful comments.  It is wonderful to know that there are people here who are in my age group.  The time has come for me to reach out to others with this same condition to try to connect better, not only with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder  ( in my case "Chronic Traumatic Terror Disorder" ha ha),  but with others who are dealing with this too, in an effort to stop the silent and secret war inside of me.  I do believe in the power of a group.

It is wondrous that this site exists.   

[Noel]

Dear sanmagic7, 
Thank you for connecting with me about your legs, which sounds almost exactly like my legs.  They started going out about 2 years ago, after the first family reunion my sibs and I have ever had.  The parents are gone forever, but not forgotten, and my dear sisters and brother and I met with most of our grown children.  It was a wonderful occasion, and, when the four of us, my sibs and I talked alone and among ourselves, the topic turned to the quality of our parenting, and of course the quality of our upbringing.  As adults, we have always been very open about the damages, and the victories, and, we all "get" each other.

So, when I returned from the reunion, even after having had such a wonderful, warm, loving time, soon after, my legs began to give way, I began to feel a deep and sweeping exhaustion that has persisted for 2 years, and now affects what I can, and cannot get done.

Doctors can find absolutely nothing wrong with me, and so I am beginning to believe that this weakness is a somatic message, and I am beginning to think that my nerves, after the years of child and adolescent abuse, failed marriages, and more, are breaking down after all.   I put myself to bed believing that soon I would be better, but that is beginning to be counterproductive. 

I also just turned 70.  I feel like I am missing a developmental milepost, or, that I am missing out on something important. So, I am so grateful you are here.  Despite this writing, despite my legs and that yucky feeling,  I have a life.  I wonder what the milepost is?  Since I know now about CPTSD, I don't want to miss out on another developmental step.  Thank you again for your help.

[Noel]

Dear  Boatsetsailrose
     Thank you for connecting with me with all of these suggestions which I will try.  I will certainly read The Body Keeps the Score, and remember to use magnesium salts, because there is some pain involved.  I always feel like I have low grade flu symptoms. 
       I have done kinesiology, (muscle testing?) and it has, at the very least, saved me a lot of money as I was throwing one supplement or medication after another at this thing.  I didn't know it was CPTSD then.  I didn't know CPTSD even existed.
       For now, I am out of money for body work, somatic work, other therapies. but it is always on my list when I can earn a little bit more money.  Write now I am reading "The CPTSD Workbook"  by Arielle Schwartz who provides some great exercises for dealing with Avoidance, Intrusion, and Depressive thoughts and behaviors. It is a fairly simple book.  And most importantly, I am reaching out of my "bubble" in this most helpful group. 
   It's just good to be able to talk about it.  It is like releasing the steam out of a pressure cooker, little by little.   
   
   Thank you again for your generous and very timely suggestions and support.

[Boatsetsailrose]

The work book sounds good noel ,, its so good when we find something to connect and do some healing with isn't it ,,,
Re the magnesium salts - I use a 500g bag and soak for at least 20 mins - it is amazing how good they are for aches and pains ,, I've been buying the bags in the UK for 1/4 of the original price in a sale so its worth shopping about 

[sanmagic7]

hey, noel,

i have those flu-like symptoms as well, usually, again, when i am stressed.  actually, i'm experiencing them today - face is hot, eyes burning, body doesn't feel well.   i learned from another group that this is also a thing, and it's called 'stress flu'.  when i read that, i felt such relief.  i was always so afraid that i was actually getting sick.

no, it's a bodily reaction to stress.  exhaustion/fatigue comes with it.  i've learned to examine what's going on around me to cause this (i know what this one is from) and just take some time - sometimes a few days - to de-stress myself as much as possible, and it eventually leaves.

hope this is helpful.  i'm seeing all this now as symptoms of c-ptsd rather than 'it's all in my head' type of thing.  that makes me feel better, less stressed in itself.

best to you with all this.  big hug.