Moving Forward: Advice Please!

[dutchierich]

I'm finally at the point in my recovery where I feel closer "normal," that is, that I'm seeing the world through less-foggy lenses. Over the years I've worked very hard to complete a number of projects that I could use to generate income, but it involves me really putting myself out there, selling myself and my work, and for some reason I'm frozen from doing that.

It's a combination of self-doubt and some unidentified paralysis. Maybe it feels so big that I'm scared to try. Maybe it's that I don't know how to ask for what I want. I'm really good at what I do, and part of me has tremendous confidence that if the right people were reached they'd respond positively. But I'm frozen, stuck, and I really feel like now's the time for action. The feeling of urgency may be linked to the sense of foreshortened future, one of my CPTSD symptoms. But it's also that the events in my life have led to this point. All other career choices pale in comparison to earning my own way with my own work

Any advice on how to break through the wall, to unshackle my life from its past?

[Three Roses]

Not sure I have any insight into how to combat this, but I want you to know you're not alone.

I struggle with this, too. For me, it's almost as if it's a fear of success, not failure, that keeps me bogged down. Fear of drawing attention, maybe?

Sorry i couldn't be more helpful.

[Dee]

It's not the same, but I am always afraid of doing things.  I just took a short trip with my kids, I almost cancelled, I cancelled the last one.  I just start feeling that I can't do it.  I get those feelings all the time, like I cannot possibly do something, or it is too much, or I am too scared.  The only advice I have is to role play potential scenarios and how you may handle it.  Also, I try to think that the worse case is I can come home.  Really, if I get there and can't get on the plane I really don't have to.  Yet, I take it one step at a time and I seem to be okay.  Sometimes it is okay, get into the car.  Now, park, I don't have to go inside, just park.  Then, go inside, I can leave if I want to.......

[woodsgnome]

I've felt that way--the sense of being 'close' to recovery. Then a setback throws me for a loop and I re-enter the valley of despair. In my better moments, I can regard that as the valley of lost illusions and regain a little equilibrium.

As to shedding the past life crud that I feel drags me down, I've tried lots of approaches. Many are okay for a while, then become less useful for a variety of reasons.

Of all of these, the one I like best only occurred a few years ago when I ran into an author (Jeff Foster) and borrowed a visualization/metaphor he suggests. I've mentioned this in posts on here before, but it's a simple one I like and, frankly, works as good or better than lots of the fancy techniques bandied about. It may not be for everyone for various reasons, still it's a starting point to shifting the thinking process around painful memories.

This non-technique just involves juggling one's thoughts a bit. Picture life as a movie--or series of movies. The screen (consciousness) on which the movie is projected isn't selective; it accepts any show put onto it--comedy, drama, horror, documentary; anything is possible. Remember, the screen is blank to start with, neutral as to the type of show projected onto it. Show over, it reverts to blankness, ready for the next movie.

Like any movie, the viewer can become so involved that one can forget the present reality of life outside the movie. It might even shake one to the point of feeling lost and disoriented once the movie is over. But that's the critical point--the movie does end, and you find yourself back in the present.

I try to view the past as the old movie--yes, I'll likely at times get emotionally subdued by it. But if I acknowledge where I'm at now, I'm no longer a character in that flick or a viewer--I'm on to a new movie, one I can script or craft to my present circumstances, even if they're built on elements portrayed in the old movie. I can turn my focus forward, aware of the past but not trapped by it. And not staying in it just because it's my old familiar standby movie.

Like any coping mechanism, this doesn't work all the time. That old movie/new movie viewpoint doesn't keep me from dropping into that valley of lost illusions. Still I've found its simplicity speaks effectively too; when I can remember that the old movie has indeed concluded, the lights are up--and I'm free to leave the theatre.

Whether or not you find this useful, dutchirich, I hope you'll find a way forward that works best for you.   

[Whobuddy]

I don't really have advice for getting past this but maybe my thoughts about why this happens in my life might help. I am realizing that I feel like there is a limit on all things positive and good in my life. The limitation is a belief that it is forbidden to be happier, more successful, or do anything better than my FOO. I am LC with FOO but when I talk to them, I don't like to tell them of anything positive about myself. Somehow they imprinted on me that I am the lesser one, the smaller, weaker one and I must always be that way. Visiting them puts me right back into that childhood dynamic and I have chosen not to do so - at least for now.

Btw, I wish I had a stronger word than 'realize'- it is more like a brick hitting me in the head causing me to wake up to something that has been there all along.

[dutchierich]

Three Roses, the fear of success has been suggested many times as an answer to this problem, and I frankly don't understand it. Can you talk a little bit more about it? How does it work? Why is it there? Or whatever insight you have is of course welcome. It's something I've always wanted to understand better.

Dee, I am the same way. I have trouble leaving the house, that is, unless I'm running from a dangerous person. Then I'm out the door! But when I'm in a comfortable living environment, I tend to hole up and leave the world behind. This is a freeze response for me. It usually involves drugs of various kinds and limited to no external contact, even through social/electronic media. What helps me to break this cycle is, well, to get out of the house! Exercise is key. Like you intimate, just making the effort to go somewhere is a plus. Visualization is a great way to handle the social anxiety piece, thanks for the tip!

Whobuddy, I hope you can break free from the grip your FOO have over you. One way I've dealt with this is to measure my own self worth based on what I know about me, not how I stack up to the expectations of others, especially the FOO. What I did was never good enough for them, it was never perfect enough, and when I stopped trying to please them I started pleasing myself, and that's made a big difference

woodsgnome, thanks for the great visualization exercise! This speaks to where I am in recovery at the moment, learning to "switch off" the horror film that was my past. I'm gonna incorporate that into my current effort, which involves "thought stopping" suggested by Walker. This might help to turn that awful projector off. It's a movie that I didn't buy tickets for. The plot is depressing and there's not even popcorn! To continue the metaphor then, as you've mentioned, when the projector stops there's still a blank screen. Why not make a really awesome movie for the audience of one in the theatre? Visualization has been used for centuries to foster success. What a great way to convert the movie theatre of my mind from a run-down, sticky-floored dump showing the same, tired, thirty-year-old trash, to a sleek, clean, modern cinema center, complete with tasty popcorn and comfy seats! I'm gonna think more about this one.

I think also that I've identified a new piece to my CPTSD recovery, and that is the inner/outer critic. From what little I just read (from Walker), I think this undefined paralysis comes from the critics. I need to investigate further. Thankfully I found OOTF! What a help!

[Three Roses]

Three Roses, the fear of success has been suggested many times as an answer to this problem, and I frankly don't understand it. Can you talk a little bit more about it? How does it work? Why is it there? Or whatever insight you have is of course welcome. It's something I've always wanted to understand better.

Not sure I understand it either but for me, when I think about success, it feels so foreign. How will I feel? Would I be a different person? I can easily see what I might gain, but what would I lose? It's uncharted territory.

[justdontknow]

I learnt something interesting about success at uni the other day. There was a talk about careers and they said that success can actually breed stress because you're putting ever increasing expectations on yourself. And thinking about it, that makes a lot of sense. Whenever I achieve something I always just feel like I have to move onto the next thing and it's more pressure as i'm such a perfectionist. Also, doing well means people will think I deserve more responsibility and think I should know a lot when I'm not very good at being put on the spot and answering questions under stress. I have a tendency to just freeze and appear like an idiot and my behaviour in real life doesn't match my record of grades, experience etc. I guess I'm scared that i'll get found out for the fraud that I feel I am. No matter how well I do, it doesn't feel deserved. And it feels like it could get taken away from me. This is just my explanation for why I think i'm scared of success.

Unknown/un-chartered territory? Less predictable. Not being able to hide from others and isolate oneself? I don't know.