Hello

[PureJoy]

First, please understand that my username does not reflect my current status.  It is a state of being that I truly would like to reach, though.  Ironically, my parents gave me a name that means "Pure Joy".  But my life with them was anything but joy.  My mother recently passed away and was diagnosed with BPD (and other PDs) only two weeks  before her death.  My sister and I had already known in our hearts and minds that she had severe problems.  I was the scapegoat in my family all my life (almost 60 years old).  My older brother and sister have alternated being the golden child.  My dad was the enabler and mostly just ignored us kids and tried to stay out of my mother's wrath.  He passed away 3 years ago, and had in more recent years  tried very hard to connect with us kids.  It made a huge difference in how I viewed him and related with him, and now I miss him so much. 

My heart goes out to each of you suffering CPTSD and I pray we all can recover.  As the definition of CPTSD indicates, my problems are the build up of a lifetime of traumas.  Most of the time I am so overwhelmed by which fire to put out that I retreat and basically cover my head. 

I was caregiver to my parents for the last 6 years and it has taken a toll on me that I never dreamed would happen.  I have mostly shut down, only going to the grocery store and post office (with terrible dread) when I absolutely have to.  It takes me days to get the courage to get ready and get out the door.  If my husband is home to go with me, it is much easier, but still a dreaded chore.  I am pretty terrified of most people, including my oldest daughter and my sister.

Well, I didn't mean to ramble on.  I am so grateful for this site and again I thank you Kizzie.  I hope everyone has a good day and a victorious one making progress toward healing.

[globetrotter]

Welcome PureJoy. May you find the path to peace.

[Kizzie]

Welcome to Out of the Storm PJ.  You didn't ramble on at all, you have been through a great deal and have a lot to talk about so post as much as you need to, it's about your recovery now.

That was an enormous amount of stress you were under, my heart goes out to you.  Taking care of elderly parents who don't suffer from a PD is hard enough, but when there's a PD involved it's a hundred times more stressful and retraumatizing.  I say retraumatizing because when I was around my parents in adulthood before I started to recover and they would behave in a PD fashion it retraumatized me, shot me back into the original trauma from childhood and added another layer for good measure. It's hard to explain to anyone who hasn't gone through it but I call it "death by a thousand cuts" - no one thing does you in, it's the accumulation, the 'pile on' if you will.  Did your siblings take any responsibility for your parents? Are they a source of support for you at all?

I have been there as I'm sure most here have - being so overwhelmed you just want to hide under the covers.  It's a rational response to an extreme and unreasonable situation actually, your system is overloaded and stretched thin so try to be kind and patient with yourself.  Have you talked to your physician about what you went through and how you are feeling?  And are you seeing a therapist at all?

It is all about self-care now PJ, finding ways to protect and nuture your "self" and finding others who can help you with that, friends, peers here, family, professionals, whatever works.

Glad you found your way here 

[Badmemories]

Welcome to our forum pure Joy.  We are all In the same boat here. Peeling away the onion layers! I just went/going through a severe depression. I to am afraid to go out much! Iam moving out of the hole and actually got some things done today! As you can see from my post I have a people filled weekend planned. I have to say I did go through a real panic packing stuff to go... But I kept on keeping on which is my Marta now!

I have been making progress reading this forum, visiting the links other posters suggest, and writing here. It helps to realize WE are not so alone!

[Butterfly]

Hi PureJoy. Same here with the grocery store only when needed. Crowds have recently sent me into panic mode more frequently. I've always considers myself a homebody but because of my volunteer work I do get out of the house but mostly into open spaces.

What works for me so far for groceries is ordering some supplies online and doing a weekly produce run early in the morning as the store opens and before it gets crowded. I save my big shopping for monthly and have my list in my phone so it organized by category and I can buzz right through the nearly empty store.

Most recently I discovered if I leave my purse home and just have my wallet and phone in my pockets I can leave the cart at the end of the aisle and run down to pickup one thing if that's all I need in that row. Not having to worry about my purse leaves me free to move about with the cart and the not having to fumble makes the experience much less cumbersome and difficult.

Some might view this as hiding from facing things and I should go when it's crowded but I view this as working within my limitations and accepting what works for me.

[PureJoy]

Thank you all for the warm wecome!!  It is so comforting that you  "get it".  It is also very sad that we are going through this. 

Kizzie, you hit the nail on the head with your description of taking care of elderly parents.  It is definitely retraumatizing.   Most of those years of taking care of my parents were just me.  Not a lot of support from older brother and younger sister.  They live out of town, but I had to beg them to help me.  It was only in the last year or so that my sister finally started realizing the disorders my mother had.  I actually had a breakdown when my mom accused me of killing my dad.  He died from lymphoma complicated by blood sepsia(?) and Hep C.  At some point I just gave up and my sister did step in for a bit.  She got better at helping and hired some caregivers for mom.  Brother did not get better at helping.  We siblings have not had much contact in recent months.  This whole ordeal has torn the family apart.  The parents are gone, but the damage lives on.   I have not had the strength to go to the doctor yet.  Have had bad experiences in the past with doctors.  I know I need therapy and I hope to do that soon if my husband gets a better job. 

Badmemories,  so glad you are coming out of the hole of depression.  I have been in that black hole so many times and each time it feels like I won't make it out.  But I always do, so that is encouraging. 

Butterfly, that is a great idea about how to handle the grocery store.  Yes, whatever works for you personally and nobody should judge.  I have been told I am in la la land when I am out in public.  I see nobody.  I try to just tune out what is going on around me and concentrate on getting the job done quickly so I can leave.  That is wonderful that you can do volunteer work.  I would like to try that someday. 

Thank you again everyone and have a wonderful day!

[KAF]

Hi purejoy.

You are not alone.  The death of my father and the care of my chronically ill mother put me back a long episode of repeated trauma that ended all aspects of my successful life due to CPTSD.  I am only in initial recovery attempt now...so I have no words other than to say, I understand.

Be well.